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Hello.
I’m a newbie to this forum but I would really appreciate advice from people who may be in a similar position to me.
I met my ex back in February 2005. She had her own home and I moved in with her just a couple of months later. About a year or so later we decided to try for our first child. Unfortunately, about 21 weeks into the pregnancy we were informed about massive complications with the development of our baby and after serious discussion with the doctors we decided we had no other alternative but to terminate the pregnancy. The birth was induced and our baby boy was born alive and lived for a very short time and basically died in my arms. Because he was born alive an inquest had to be held by the local coroner and we then had to go through the funeral proceedings. The whole experience went on for several months and destroyed us but a few months later we decided to try again for another baby.
Our beautiful daughter was born in August 2007 and I have been there for her every single day of her life since the day she was born up until last October when we decide to split up and go our separate ways. I was always the one to bathe her, then dress her and then put her to bed every night and that became my routine.
When we split we managed to agree between the two of us that I would pay £200 a month maintenance which I pay direct to her in cash each month and I currently have my daughter for every other weekend from Friday night through to Sunday night.
I was also seeing her at her mum’s house twice a week for 2-3 hours each time. I was quite happy with this arrangement because I was able to take her up to bed to read her stories and I would stay with her until she was asleep.
A couple of months back I discovered by accident that my ex was having a relationship with somebody who she works with. However, this other guy was already in a relationship with another woman and was seeing my ex being his partners back although my ex knew about the “other woman†all along.
I had my concerns at the time and basically told her that I wasn’t happy about her sneaking about and I made the point that I didn’t trust her because of it. I made her promise that she wouldn’t introduce this new guy into our daughter’s life with consulting me first but we had a blazing argument and I ended up saying a lot of vindictive and nasty things that I should never have said.
I have now been banned from visiting her home and although I still have my daughter to stay over at my place every other weekend I am now only allowed to see her every Monday and Friday night around her grandparent’s house. This is usually from about 5:15pm when I finish work until 7:00pm each night. At 7:00pm I am then asked to leave and my daughter is then taken back to her mums. I am no longer allowed to put her to bed and read her stories anymore and she is always distraught when I have to leave although I am told that it doesn’t take long for her to calm down when I’ve gone.
It just breaks my heart and I feel I can’t cope with things as they are. I have tried to communicate with my ex and I have suggested that I have our daughter stay over at my place once or twice during the week rather than just visit her for a couple of hours at the grandparent’s house but she has refused to accept my proposal.
She got annoyed when I last spoke to her about earlier this week and has threatened to take away all visitation rights altogether. She has told me that if I push any more then she will insist that I only get supervised visits and that I will only get to see my daughter once or twice a week. She also told me to get myself a solicitor and then challenged me to fight her through the courts if I was wasn’t happy.
I have done a bit of researching on the net but it seems that I’m completely stuffed. I understand that because my name is on the birth certificate that I have automatic parental responsibility in the upkeep of my child but why does the law bother to give me this responsibilities yet it wont stand up for my rights as a father?
I am a good father and everybody in both of our families knows this. My ex herself constantly tells me how good I am with my daughter but she just wont give me the access that I would like. We've been to [censored] and back together and I can't believe she'd start to use our daughter as a means to get back at me like this.
So where do I stand and what should I do from here?
Thanks in advance for listening to my boring story. All advice will be gratefully appreciated.
Hi
Welcome to the forum, an child access is a complicated area , I will get our legal experts to cast their eye over this and repond for you.
Cheers
Hi there
I'm really sorry to hear about this situation and I can imagine how distressing this must be for you. We all say things in the heat of the moment that we shouldn't but it is a pity that your ex has taken this stance - she really should be putting your daughter's needs and interests first.
I know she has now said to you to get a solicitor and fight for access through the courts and I am sure you want to avoid this at all costs if possible and so you might want to consider mediation as an option. If so, you can get advice about this and how it works through the National Family Mediation and their number is 01392 271610.
I hope this helps.
Dear JJBenbow,
You need to think carefully before making a decision. I do echo Mike's view about going down the route of the National Family mediation (that is if you have not made one yet). No matter how you look at it you are probably going to be frustrated in many ways than one since the ultimate thing you want is to be there as a father 'for' your daughter. You may find it hard to believe but both you and your ex may be hurting in this situation but your daughter is the one currently used as the bargaining power. She is human not a thing! Legal action may complicate rather than simplify even during times of resolution. The decision is yours ..wishing you all the best
Regards koka
Dear JJBenbow,
We apologise for the delay in responding to your query.
It’s is your daughter’s right to see both of her parents, not yours or the mother’s right to see your daughter, and until your daughter is of an age to make her own decisions (usually this will be approximately when she reaches a teenager, but absolutely at 16 years old) it falls to the parent that she lives with to make these decisions on her behalf.
This means that the mother is able to control all contact that you have with your daughter, and is able to restrict this if she believes it is necessary. The mother is also within her rights to refuse you entry to her home if there have been issues or arguments whilst you were there in the past, and the court would not order that you enter the home against the mother’s wishes. Having said this, the mother should be reasonable and not restrict contact unless there is a real reason to do so.
As it has been stated in other posts, the first option should always be to consider mediation, and you have been given the number for National Family Mediation, they also have a website at www.nfm.org.uk that may be useful.
This allows you and the mother to sit and discuss the matter with an independent person and attempt to reach an agreement regarding any issues that you have without court action.
Should this be unsuccessful then you will still have the option of applying to court, and the court are more favourable to those who have attempted mediation and other methods of negotiation before applying.
If you applied to court you would usually be applying for a contact order, and this is a legally binding order stating the days and times you are to see your daughter, and the mother is expected to comply and the order can be enforced if she does not.
A contact order is granted to a non resident parent in the vast majority of cases, and usually there would have to be very serious reasons for this not to be the case, although the matter would still have to go through full court proceedings to ensure that the court hear all the facts.
You stated that you already have parental responsibility, and so you have the right to a say in important decisions affecting your daughter’s upbringing, for example medical treatment, religion, education and your child going abroad. This does not necessarily mean that the mother requires your consent to make such decisions, but that she should seek your opinion on these.
No parent is given an automatic right of contact, regardless of whether or not they have parental responsibility, and this is something that has to be sought by a court order for contact.
Also, contact and maintenance are completely unrelated in law, so whether or not you are paying maintenance is not a consideration for the court when deciding whether or not to grant a court order. The court are very much in favour of a child having a relationship with both parents, and it is very rare that some form of contact is not granted.
With regards to whom your daughter sees, such as new partners, this is for the mother to decide when your daughter is with her, and for you to decide when she is with you. So neither of you are legally required to consult the other prior to introducing your daughter to new partner’s, and the other parent will have no say in this matter, as it is expected that the parent with care of the child at that time will act in your daughter’s best interests.
We hope that this information is useful to you, should you require any further advice please contact the Child Law Advice Line on 0808 8020 008 and an advisor will be happy to help you.
Kind Regards
Children’s Legal Centre
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