Good afternoon,
I'm 42 and have been married for 3 years. My wife is 38 and we've just had our first child 2 weeks ago. She's a happy and healthy infant and everyone tells me that it's a happy event,
Having a child was part of the deal when it came to us being together. I'm sure many men have children with partners simply because they love their partner, as opposed to actually wanting to be a father. Maybe I'm wrong in that assumption and perhaps it's just me. From a personal prospective I guess it makes zero difference.
I have no idea why any man would choose to have children outside of an inflated ego. If the thought of having a part of them in the world after their death, or seeing some part of them in the face of another, appeals then I 'get it'. Pretty lame reason to chain yourself to a child but hey, it's a wide old world full of various views and priorities.
I have no such desire. I don't care if she looks like me and I don't much care if she never acknowledges me as her father. Right now she's a screaming lump of flesh and has interest only in her mother. Mother provides milk and nature is smart enough to get at least one parent to bond before the natural desire to abandon the child kicks in for both of them.
I have no ability to change the future now. Everything, every scrap of time and money we can spare. will be dedicated to ensuring this child becomes a sulking teenager. In return we'll get the odd moment where she connects with us but to be honest it's a poor investment. To anyone who says they are looking forward to making their child better than they are - how much better a person would you be if you spent the focus on yourself instead of them?
The date in the title is 6 months from today. I need a date so I can think things through whilst having the comfort of a deadline. By that date I will either have reconciled with this situation or I will begin divorce proceedings. I'll provide financial support but seek zero contact with either mother or child. Scorched earth is the best way and 6 months old is the best time, before she has any memory of me. Mum is young enough to find a new dad and hopefully one who will care for her daughter this time.
I'm not going to be yet another victim of fatherhood. How many fill their lives with quiet-screaming through fear of the consequences?
I have even more respect for those dad's who find joy in their children. Someone has to or the human race would long since have been run. You lay down your lives for the good of others, so society can exist and perpetuate itself. It's an heroic stance.
I'm too old to care if I die a hero. I just want to die as someone in control of his life once more.
That's certainly an interesting view - I can't say it's one I share, but I've come through the other side so to speak. I can't say I was over bothered for children, and if it hadn't been for my son being something of a surprise, I almost certainly wouldn't have married his mother (my ex) or had another 2 children with her. But I'm glad of the children (not my ex) - we have a very good relaxed relationship, they generally do the right thing without too much input from me (though I'm always there for them if they need me), and they all make me laugh and I think the world is a better place with them in it, certainly from my point of view.
What I would ask of you is that if you are going to give it 6 months, then you try your hardest to make it work with both your wife and your daughter - when you make that decision, it's got to be based on the possibility that it can work, not that you gave up now and bided your time for 6 months.
Hi and thanks for the response.
Certainly it's a good distinction to make between waiting out the 6 months Versus trying to make it work within that set time-frame. I hope I can make the latter happen and I'm certainly going to do what i can to try and find some point in continuing.
Right now i'm trying to turn a negative into a positive. I don't want to spend time with my daughter, so i'm looking for a second job at the weekend that will ensure i'm not in the house for 24 hour period. It generates more money and makes something useful out of time I'd otherwise be avoiding her anyway.
I'm not a monster and she's cute enough for a baby. It's not her fault I don't want her in my life. I'll do what I can to mitigate any negative decision I come to.
...surely if you are going to use the time to try and make it work then that should begin with spending time with your daughter rather than avoiding contact with her at all costs!
From your last sentence it sounds to me that your minds already made up, who are you fooling here?