That's it then. The damage has been done and I've now no chance at all of having all 3 of my children together.
Week before last my eldest had an amazing week at at his new school (on trial), he managed a full week (massive achievement) gained house points, even said he wouldn't go back to his old school if we paid him, all goin brilliant.
This week, complete turn around, two days off sick (was genuinely sick) third day played truant, caught him hidin under the bed, argument ensued and he said "I'm goin back to dads, he's bought me a motorbike" alarm bells didn't ring, I just put it down to him gobbing off, off he went and I assumed he was going back to school, I tried to take himself but he lashed out, refused to get in the car and swore at me, I even rang 101 at one point as he was kicking the door a throwin stones at my windows.
Half hr later his dad rings, I told him in no uncertain terms that I expected him to take him to school otherwise he would jeopardise the trial and lose his place. He didn't, he took him back to his were he then left him and went to work.
So he missed 4 days of school last week ad according to his dad, he won't be returning.
He smashed up my mums house and swore at his grandad, all week he's played up for them, comin in late, full of mud..... Now we know why, he has been bought a motorbike. So he's bribed him.
So he's lost his place at his new school, he's left my mums and he's returned to his dads.
Even if court say he has to live with me, now he can't. I cannot physically get him to another school in a different borough!!
It's all a game to some people, a competition, point scoring, he doesn't see the bigger picture, how his education is going to be ruined. Still, least he has a motorbike right?!
Ah, seen this after I replied on your other topic. I hate to say this, but I think you've done all you can possibly do - concentrate on your other 2 children and your own health and sanity. If you oldest wants to come back, then he needs to prove that he deserves it, and after all you've been through, I think that will take quite a bit of proving.
Crocs,
I'm afraid to say that I agree with ACTD on this one...
You've done as much as you possibly can - and it now appears to be at the point where you have no options left open to you.
For the sake of your own health and sanity, and for the sake of the other two children, I think you need to let things lay for now.
Give it a bit of time for the situation to sink in with the eldest, I suspect the shine of living with Dad will wear off soon enough...
All the best,
BD
Hi
I agree with ACTD, there is only so much you can do.
You have to think of yourself and your other 2 kids. Other than dragging him to school yourself, which sounds like would be pointless if he just played truant again. If dad isnt helping or playing ball, you're on your own, and kids are very cunning and play the cards they want to play.
You have done your best, just remember that, sometimes kids just do not understand and appreciate the hard work we put in. If he wants to live with dad maybe he should, he will soon learn that its not all its cracked up to be, when dad leaves him and goes to work and he's on his own then gets bored. I have no idea what his dad is like, but if he doesnt provide him with clean clothes, nice dinners, company and all the other things us mum do, he's soon come back to you.
Chin up, dont despair, he'll get bored of the motorbike, or get caught riding it where he shouldnt be, then he'll want you. Maybe its something he needs to get out of his system.
I've picked the kids up this weekend, he handed me a note sayin the eldest won't be returning "to that school (ever)" the point of that school was so if court awarded residence to me he could attend and if they awarded it to dad he could still attend because a bus travels from dad's town to the school.
So that's jeopardised my chances of residence now, there's no way I can get him to another school should he come live with me, I physically can't do it.
The note asked for permission to take him on holiday at Xmas, court have already ordered no on this, so I told him no, he slammed my car door so hard the whole car shook, kids screamed. I got out of the car and aske him to calm down and he flew at me, threatening me so I jumped in the car ad set off, him chasing me behind!
I've informed the police and his solicitor, I won be collectin again, he can drop off ad te kids can just come in the house.
Thanks for the advice, I agree I've done all I can with my eldest and to be quite honest unless he proves that he wants to come ad spend time at mine and he will treat people with respect ad accept there are consequences for his actions then I don't want him coming. That's wrong of me to say really but I don't see any other way.
Crocs,
I think you are entirely justified in saying what you have.
It is in your best interests, and the interests of the other kids, to ensure that you and them are not subjected to that kind of behaviour.
Stand your ground, do what you need to via the courts, and let the eldest do what he thinks he wants to do.
As Morten said, he'll soon realise that living with Dad isn't necessarily all he expected it would be... and in any case, I'd be telling the eldest that if he wants to come back, he needs to sort himself out and show some respect. - That's just my opinion, but I was always bought up to show respect to my mum.
I hope you get this all sorted out!
All the best,
BD.
My main worry is how do I out it to court, i don't want him unless he behaves is how it sounds when in actual fact the reason he behaves like this is because contact has been so [censored] and we've allowed him to get away with it.
I've tried to enforce rules and consequences however he just sees fit to ring/email dad who then threatens violence towards me because of it!
Hi Crocs,
Yes I see your point... A very difficult situation.
I would suspect the court would be understanding of you "doing what is in the interests of the children" by protecting the younger ones from this aggressive behaviour, but as you say that doesn't help resolve the issues regarding the eldest child.
Indeed, I would suggest that the issue here is the father reinforcing this kind of behaviour by threatening you himself with violence (sounds as though the eldest is mirroring his behaviours and accepting them as how he should behave)
I would perhaps push it from that point of view, that the eldest is mirroring his father's aggression, which is causing you concerns, particularly as he is now residing with Dad which is likely to only further reinforce the issues. You have done as much as you can to resolve this, but as Dad is effectively allowing this behaviour, you're at the limit of what you can do, and now require the court to aid in a resolution as amicable agreement can't be reached with the father.
Sorry, i don't know how helpful I'm being crocs, I'm just trying to give constructive feedback for you.
All the best,
BD.
Thanks badger, it's all helpful and most welcome.
I can't even think straight lately, at least here I can vent and come back to advise later, I'm screenshotting a lot of this so I can remember it and put it in notes for court. My head is completely mashed.
Hicrocs,
You are really stuck here, I mirror the advice above though as you are now at a point where there really isn't much more you can do.
The hardest parrt of this for you is at the moment your angry and upset about the behaviour your son has carried out, the issue will come when you have calmed down, after all he is still your son. I suspect that when calmed down you will fall into the regret stages and want to try again, so you either have to stay strong and say no, or what I would recomend is that you ask the court for weekend contact with your eldest, make it out somewhere that he can meet you and your other 2 children, and make it attractive to him, so somewhere he would like to eat or go.
Over time you could then start to repaire the damage in your relationship but you will still have some contact so you are able to see how is doing, being out some where rather than at your house may break the tensions and being in public would hopefully mean he would stay calmer.
He is playing the 2 of you off against each other for reaction, he tells his dad you won't allow him to do something or are forcing him to do something he doesn't want too, so that then you and his dad are in contact again, I don't know wheather he is enjoying the conflict but I would suspect that maybe he hasn't accepted the break up and any contact between you and his dad is better than none.
Just my thoughts
Stay strong and as always we are here for support advice or just to vent that frustration.
GTTS
Thanks GTTS
Last time we were out in public, he threw a table per in mega bowl, stormed off in town and I lost him!
He really is a law unto himself, saw him last night in te town centre, bearing in mind he'd been off school, he saw me and proceeded to scream obscenities and swear words at me in the street!
I've had school on today and thankfully they are happy to continue with the trial, I've told his solicitor to ensure he's in attendance tomorrow.
Good to read an update Crocs.
And very positive that school are on-board!!
Shows that you are doing the right thing, and that the eldest is potentially picking up on Dad's modus operandi...
Hope all is well, all the best,
BD.