[Solved] I'm just a man !

Hello warden14,

Your confidence has increased considerably in the last two weeks. Keep it up and look after yourself.

I believe that in a few months time your situation will be a lot better than it is now if you are able to stay positive.

Just a ramble for today.

As I muster the strength to face another day the thoughts of last night still burned in my mind
I am scrolling through the texts messages again from my boy my beautiful boy each one like a blade in my heart
“I don’t believe you anymore dad “ mum was right your just a liar “
Now that’s two out of my four children that wont speak to me the damage done by mothers poison is certainly taking hold now.

I know I have to get up I know I have to go to work when all I really want to do is curly up and hide in this room but this isn’t an option so the battle starts again the battle to be normal smile and pretend to the outside world all is fine.
Funny when people ask if you are alright we always respond with yes I’m fine or a similar lie. We don’t wan’t to show how we really feel as in reality no one really cares and its just politeness

I am now sat at my desk in an office full of people who seem happy one in particular who loves talking about how perfect his life is I always wonder if it really is. I have to face the day my job involves meeting people families especially this really is a kick in the you know what’s I sometimes want to say to them especially when there being mean to their children you have no idea how lucky you are but I don’t .

I have no idea what the future holds for me initial mediation will be at some point next week I cant help feeling that knowing what I know this is a complete waste of time and money as nothing productive will come of this but hey I have do what I am told and I know its a step in the right direction for now.

I can’t help to wonder and it plays on my mind constantly how long before my baby girl will forget me can’t be long now imagine that someone so special in your life and they may not know who you are how is that fair?
I am going sign off now as I feel like I am starting to ramble off in a different direction

(just noticed a lot of "I s" in this post well I want to be in my kids life)

I can't give any particular words of comfort because it won't change the situation you are in. People get on with their lives, in the way that you are doing, so the happy people in you office may also be facing their own battles in their daily lives.

Keep talking on here though, it's better than bottling it up - we are listening.

The days now seem to merge into each other my whole day is consumed with thoughts of my children so much so I find it difficult to function
everyone is being so kind and supportive but the words spoken to bounce off me like I am wearing a shield of self pity "pick yourself up" It will soon get better " "it will be worth it in the end" All said with the best intention but totally ineffective on my wellbeing.

I actually feel guilty for writing the above seems like I am being disrespectful to all the kind messages I have received and I am not I can assure you. It feels like nothing can penetrate this coat of sadness that I am forced to wear by a selfish heartless individual who strangely enough I used to love.

Raging winds and heavy seas I ride them everyday but not with ease.
My darkness still follows me my heart still broken my coat of self pity still weighing me down. I'm still searching for the answers the light at the end of the tunnel that's supposed to be waiting for me I can't find it I've looked oh how I've looked.
The war rages on the the everyday battle to survive life's little wars the battle within is a lot harder fight some days you win some days you lose but the war rages on.
Children are not property to be used in the war not bullets to loaded in your hatred gun not pawns in your bitter game their just children they didn't ask to become soldiers in your battle they didn't ask to collateral damage they just want to be loved by a mum and dad and the thing about war is that it's really sad no one wins and there's alway regret
So I'm preying and hoping and longing for a day in the sun a day by the shore to hold my children and never let go I'm here I'm waiting my arms open wide for the day you open your eyes and see what's real and what's a pack of lies I love you my darlings of this you be sure I may be missing I know I'm not there but my heart is still beating and my will is strong hold on my children hold on .

I feel your pain

My ramblings may be morbid and seem self pitying
They are a true reflection of my own thoughts and feelings
Written off the cuff and sometimes without direction
But from the heart

My son your nearly 10 now double digits we laugh and say
Your growing tall just like your dad all I wish is that your never sad you just play football and be a lad
Times have been tough and there's more storms ahead but don't be disheartened don't worry your head
Your dads a strong man and never gives in.
I'd like to say your mum ok she miss understood just got carried away truth is my son my beautiful boy
Your mum a [censored] a a self centred horrible retched woman who would rather put her feelings and needs before her child
I'm not aloud t speak the truth it's not politically correct its not the done thing children should never hear adult things

so I bite my lip and just smile and just treasure our limited time
Your an amazing boy my son

You write so expressively....getting it out helps I know, I used to write a lot, I still do but its all to do with forums matters and statements these days!