Today I've done what I should have done a long time ago.
Ex attended the spips course and suddenly decided we need to be civil (I've said this all along but it's fallen on deaf ears!) so apparently the best way to go about it is to meet up! NO!
We've done this before, we go round in circles , blame each other and it's never constructive. So I took the advise from here. We have no need for contact, the only contact we need is mediation and handover, I can be civil, always have been as far as the kids are concerned and certainly in front of them, wasn't me that threw the contact book after all!
I don want to meet and I no linger want to converse by email unless it's absolutely necessary.
So now I'm a joke!
The dummy had been spat out and court are being emailed (apparently) to say he'll be in non attendance once again. He doesn't want the kids again so I shouldn't drop them off!
I truly believe now that by going to court and having things set in stone is terrifying for him, we won't need contact and arguments, a line will be drawn and it will be final , this is absolutely what needs to be done.
It's the conflict he enjoys, either that or just being in contact with me.
...I agree Crocs. However I do think mediation would be a good idea, if only to tick that box, at some point the court will see that he is completely unreasonable and unable to put his own feelings aside in the best interests of the kids.
Hi Crocs,
I agree with Mojo, try and attend mediation if only so you can say you have tried, they can set this up so you are in different rooms and the mediator can go between the 2 of you.
You are getting somewhere now so keep going and cover all bases.
GTTS
Im defo going.
I was wondering though, at court the judge said she would welcome an out if court agreement.
Is it worth me emailing his solicitor with what I would suggest in court?
All 3 to reside with me.
Alternate weekends.
2 night for tea straight from school or 1 overnight stay midweek.
Alternate Xmas and birthdays
Half of all half term holidays.
If I was to do this, would his solicitor let the courts know if even if he refused? Shows I'm being reasonable right?
If you write to the solicitor, you would have their response in writing to take with you to court, you can include this with any evidence or send a copy to the court for filing. If he does agree, you can present any agreement to the judge at the next hearing.
It's good that you're planning on attending mediation as if he won't agree there either, he will just show himself to be awkward.
Hi Crocs,
Sorry to see the ex is still "keeping you busy"...
Having attempted amicable agreement before finally having to go to court, I know what you mean... some people just like to argue to toss, have to have the final word. Contact you for pointless stuff in an attempt to draw out a response.
And you are 100% right to rule it out. As the others have suggested - and you've said you're going to do - attend mediation if only to tick the box.
(my ex flat out refused mediation so i have no experience of it)
If you want to offer a proposal via the ex's solicitor it will at least show willing, whether accepted or not.
If he does agree then I would, as 1626 has said, present it to the judge saying it's been agreed, but possibly ask that it be set out in an order to ensure it is enforceable/adhered to?
In any case, i think you've taken the right response.
BD
If you copy in the court when you email his solicitor they will have your proposals on file, this should always be done anyway with all correspondence between parties during a court case.
When you send the email to his solicitor ask them to respond to you with their agreement or alternative suggestions and give them a time frame to do so, say 14 or even 21 days...depending on when the next hearing is. Don't forget to send their response to court for filing , unless they have done so.
Thank you all.
This is absolutely what I'm going to do....tomorrow., copying in the court!
My offer is more than fair, I also know that the two nights for tea, mid week Over night stay and half of half term holidays ha been refused in emails because it's simply not feasible for him to do (he works full time you know!, don't we all!) so this will almost certainly be refused.
I'm going to copy in both courts since we are moving to a different one for the next hearing.
Fingers crossed and here goes......!
Thanks again, you're all diamonds!
Hi Crocs, this man makes my fookin blood boil. If my ex offered me this, I would weep tears of joy and this whanker is knocking back what most of us on here would dream of.
Call his bluff, see how it really feels when he joins the legions of us denied contact with our children. The difference in your case is you are a 'normal' woman who unlike our respective nemesis's for all us unfortunates who aren't prepared as you are to distinguish between the end of your relationship and what's better for your kids.
I finished work tonight at 5pm. I simply have nothing to fill the post work void. I drove aimlessly for 2 hours tonight with no destination. I had to stop a few times to weep inconsolably. I checked my contacts in my phone and simply could not find one that I hadn't already bothered to much already when distressed.
Consequently I simply cried and cried until there were no more tears and am now relatively composed in comparison. Nights and Weekends I dread more than anything ive ever wanted to avoid in my life.
Sadly it seems the tears are infinite and although they may dry up as they have briefly for the moment, I know they are likely to be back tomorrow with fresh gusto and a fresh supply measured in gallons no doubt...
Maybe tomorrow at work, I can reduce the 6 or 7 times I had to sit in the toilet cubicle today crying and crying till the tears subsided. A kind woman at work today who's son is in an almost identical position to me said to me as her emotions got the better of her, 'these girls have no idea the pain they cause'. With tears in her eyes she hugged me, I gave her a wee kiss on the forehead as I felt her pain like the dagger that's been plunged into my emotions every day these last 6 hellish months.
When the bells strike at midnight on 31st Dec 2014, I shall toast being rid of the worst year of my life and hopefully get back to a form of normality. I digress Crocs, be proud of yourself, you really should be..
x
Thank you brokendad, means a lot.
Whilst he would probably tell you otherwise I like to think that whilst I probably have for some shitty things to him, ive never ever tried to taint his relationship with our children.
What make me sad most of all is that they are really goods kids but the strain of not having the routine and consistent contact is now starting to show, especially in our eldest.
I am however now seeing that whilst it was me who used to get the blame for his refusal to see them, they are starting to see the truth. Eldest now refuses to attend the interim, the middle child is undecided until the day and they youngest who is just 6 will make her excuses before we even arrive just to stop her own feelings from being hurt.
It hurts me to see them like this.
I know in my heart of hearts I've done all I can do him to see the kids but I also know you can't force a person to see their children.
I'm now going to call his bluff as you put it and see how that goes.
Wish me luck!
Best of luck Crocs. You never know, he may make a counter offer which might be acceptable to you and it can all move forward.
I went to mediation today today, only for the first chat, he wasn't there.
We spoke about things and how I didn't qualify for legal aid but the first appointment is free is he qualifies (which he will) and I said I'd like to try if he would too. The mediator said a lot could be achieved in the 90 mins, if that failed, then I should go to his solicitor with the proposal, I have plenty of time so I'm going to do that first.