My wife, whom I still love dearly left me in late April, taking our son who we have been waiting for 8 years and who is everything to me. I slept next to him, fed him and played with him – then he was gone . I have been falsly accused of verbal abuse to my wife and this has recently escalated to the accusation of violence. I consider myself hard working, moral and meek – I trained as an RAF Intelligence officer - and have done everything I can to make my wife happy. I was presented with a non-contact order which has meant that since my wife has refused communication, I have missed my boy’s first steps and his first birthday – I aganise over the fact that he will have forgotten who I am. I have been arrested and spent a day in the Police cells for breaking the order on the grounds according to the CPS that I sent a text to remind my wife to renew car insurance; and two personal communications advising my wife that I still loved her and asking for reconciliation. I have voluntarily vacated the house that I love, but because I wanted my son to have his familiar space. I have been forced to move into a box room at my sister’s and often have to burden my elder brother for a room when her family comes to visit. Right now I am at my Twin brother’s because there is no room at my other siblings houses. I cannot rent a property because, since the process my wife has taken over this divorce all our money has or will be used on legal and court fees – the nest egg that I had worked so hard to build up and the legacy that my Father left to me has gone (my Father died just over a year ago and my Mother is slowly dying in a care home). This amount of money could have been spent on my son's future – education etc.
I grieve for my past life and for the heritage my wife and I had. I live to see my son’s face again. I thought have had so many rounds of IVF and other adversities that my wife and I would pull together and I was encouraged when she talked about trying for another child the week before she left under the pretence of going shopping in Southport. The only positive is that I have a job that I love. A very responsible job that started the week after my wife left me – so I have had to perform well in the job whilst all the above has been going on. I grieve for the fact that my son will not have a happy family life though for my part I will do everything I can to make him happy. I do not want him growing up in an environment of hate between his parents - I still love my wife and would still reconcile with her. Has anyone had a similar journey?
Hello ACrofts, lovely to hear from you.
I'm relatively new on here and a grandmother so for the present I am going to leave it to the fathers on here to welcome you and talk of the many experiences they have had.
As I read your post I felt so deeply for you as a few phrases you used, I had heard before, spoken by my Son. I know exactly what you are feeling and going through. I am travelling through this dreadful period with him and it is gradually improving as it will for you.
Do please take care of yourself, eat well, get enough sleep and get out in the fresh air for some walks.
I know you are full of heartache and what I am about to say may sound strange but can you take up an interest which could be the beginning of building a social life for yourself?
My Son made himself take up an interest and it has been a true life saver. Difficult to do, I know but I think it brings a little balance into ones life when it would be so easy to become isolated and introspective at such a time which would not be healthy.
The time will come in the very near future when you will be in contact with your Son so you need to take care of yourself.
Hi and welcome to the forum.
I have edited your post in parts as you mentioned place names and child's names that could identify you, we are a public forum.
I'm so sorry to read your post, what a difficult time you must be having right now.
Unfortunately many of our members have very similar stories and I'm sure will reply to you and share their experiences.
It does sound like you're doing all you can for now in a practical sense, you must take care of yourself at this time and focus on re establishing some contact with your son.
It could help to attend a Families Need Father's meeting in your area, you can get support and meet other parents in a similar position.
http://www.fnf.org.uk/help-and-support-2/local-branch-meetings
Sadly, due to the orders in place, you must observe these so that your ex can't escalate matters further.
Good luck to you
I can relate completely as I was in exactly the same position this time last year I didnt see my newborn baby girl for nearly 10 months I had no family around me I was completely alone.
I missed out on my girl rolling over, sitting up, crawling, walking, talking her first birthday and my first fathers day it was absolute [censored] on earth whilst missing what me an my ex once had.
As has already been said try and not let anything escalate furthur and don't breach your order again sit tight and be whiter than white from now on and concentrate on building yourself a good case for the courts.
In the meantime concentrate on yourself as your child is going to need a strong focused daddy to fight for them, I threw myself into work big time and worked 7 days a week 12 hours a day just to keep my mind busy I took the advice from peeps on here and started to eat properly, do exercise and try and socialise more do what ever you can to take your mind off things it helps wonders trust me 🙂
Keep posting on here we will all be there you offer you support.
Keep your chin up man 🙂
I'm equally sorry for you, you can count on support on here from dads who have been through / going through similar experiences.
When I was separated from my children, it was dreadful but my mom always said "blood is thicker than water" - your blood runs through them so they will never forget you.
Sport, exercise, new hobbies, meet new people, do something you've always wanted to do...for your sanity sake.
All the best!
Thanks for your message. My chin is up - its just how the law can be manipulated and fooled by someone is determined to do this. For example how can it be that my wife can take out a non-molestation order that I did not have the opportunity to defend - by just giving lies to the court?
It is frustrating but it will get better
Thanks
Alan
You should have been informed of a hearing to deal with the non-mol. Also solicitors advice her to take it out to channel all communication through them (they need to get paid!).
Try not to dwell on the injustice of it all It wasted energy just concentrate on drawing a line in the sand and crack on with your case for being part of your child's life, you will get there all these issues are there and we just have to hurdle them, it's an absolute ball ache but be whiter than white from now on jump through all the hoops tick all the boxes and you will get there trust me 🙂
Slim 🙂
As Slim has said, focus on going forward.
However, you should have been given the opportunity to defend the non mol as everyone is entitled to a fair hearing. If you think this might not have been the case, you can call Coram Children's Legal Centre or take up a free 30 minute consultation with a solicitor to clarify.
Hello Alan,
Had almost same experience like you and after 2 years of court fight, I am slowly getting out of this nightmare.
"How can it be that my wife can take out a non-molestation order that I did not have the opportunity to defend - by just giving lies to the court?" Well, it can. Try to accept it. Don't let this injustice distract you. Just wait for your day in court and if accusations are minor, non-molestation will be lifted. What you need is to prepare yourself for the court and be calm and healthy. You will walk baby steps, but you will get there.
I had great help from this site and also from local branch meetings. From them I found out about MacKenzie friend and Direct Access Barrister, which was great help.
Wish you all the best, keep your chin up 😉
Hey Alan
I'm in the same boat.
We had Twins in Feb and she walked out with them on Fathers day, June 21st. Not seen them since despite doing everything for them for months.
I have set up a YouTube channel which will follow my story step by step and hopefully help others deal with this bizarre situation.
I am in court for harassment next week, I dared to text her and ask to see the children.....
Youtube stuff is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DriiEzRxGsc
Hello justdad,
I most sincerely hope all goes well for you which I know it will.
I thought your video was brilliant, you have brought to life what most fathers on here are going through.
You come over as being very positive, fair and reasonable, open minded, strong and a wonderful loving, caring father.
You are sincere, honest and calm in your approach which will stand you in good stead.