Hi all, I have posted elsewhere on the forum about my marriage breakdown in July so this blog post is more about the emotional fallout a few months in.
I have found the hardest thing in all of this has been accepting the immense change, going from best friends/ soul mates to fairly bitter enemies. My ex has developed a new life with only the most tenuous links to the old one (contact with our 8 year old son and her grandmother). This has left me with no contact with her, even indirect, that provides insight into her state of mind. I struggle to see her as it seems to prompt a real downturn in my often positive emotional state so I avoid her, which she takes as rudeness.
I find it hard to accept that she is with a man that, quite honestly, I think she would have laughed at if I'd brought him home as a mate from work yet she's ditched me, her family, our boys and everything else she held dear to be with him. It's tough that you don't get to discuss it with the pre crisis version of your wife!
The boys are clearly affected but she refuses to see it, our 12 year old refuses to see her despite my best efforts (although I'm secretly glad when he says no - petty I know!) and my 8 year old is asking for less time with her, not to stay over night etc.
The hardest part is that for all the talking to friends, posting on here, becoming and expert via the internet, covering the legal side, being the best parent you can and trying to understand - it just doesn't change anything, it's still a nightmare. I still dream about her every night, wake at between 4 and 5am and ponder until the boys get up and spend long periods of every day distracted. I really thought we had something special.....
Hi,
Lots of us have gone through what you describe, the person has gone but you still miss the dream. There is no silver bullet here I'm afraid, time does heal everything eventually, and you can still concentrate on being a really good dad (which is a marvellous thing in its own right).
Best wishes,
AO.
...it's hard and I can understand how you feel, it's part of the healing process but it will get better. It's rather like a bereavement where you go through five distinct stages -
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
The five stages of grief are not intended to be worked through and ticked off like a list, rather they are guideposts, helping us to identify and understand what we may be feeling. Not everyone will experience every stage, and many people will go through the stages in a different order.
You have your boys and your home and one day you will be able to sleep well and wake up looking forward not back.
I've copied and pasted this from Psychology Today website for you, I'm pretty sure when you read through it you will relate to it.....x
1. Denial
In this phase our heart rather than our head rules our belief system as we try to adjust to the idea of life without the person we’re losing. Even though we know the relationship is over, we really don’t believe it. Against the better judgment of everyone around us, we can’t help but entertain fantasies of things somehow working out. We see hidden glimmers of hope buried in clear indications that it’s over. Yes, this is the phase where we are most susceptible to late night texting.
2. Anger
Anger can manifest in many different ways – anger at your ex (“How could he do this to me? Why can’t she stop being selfish?”), anger at God or the universe (“Why can’t anything ever work out for me? Why am I cursed?”), anger at people or situations associated with the break-up (anger at the other woman; anger that your partner lost her job, because that is when she “changed”), and anger at other people who don’t agree or stand with your anger (“Can you believe George and Jane still want to be friends with him after what he did to me?”). This is the phase where we think it’s a great idea to tell anyone and everyone what a psycho-crazy vixen our ex was. This is also when we think it’s crucial to send our ex hateful emails because we don’t want him thinking he got away with anything.
3. Bargaining
Bargaining often goes hand in hand with denial. Bargaining can be looking for any possible way to make the relationship work through negotiation, threats, and/or magic – for example, telling your ex that you will change, or move or go to therapy, or telling him he is hurting the children, his family, your family, and the dog by leaving. And, of course, this phase is not only limited to bargaining with your ex. Many people bargain with The Powers That Be, promising to be a better person if only the ex will come back. During this stage, you may take a new interest in astrology, tarot cards or any type of voodoo that will forecast a reunion. This is also when we attempt to enlist all friends and family to “talk some sense” into him.
4. Depression
Depression, like anger, also surfaces in many different forms, for example feeling tired all the time, not wanting to do anything but lay in bed, feeling disconnected from people even when you’re with them, being on the verge of tears most of the time, trouble sleeping or sleeping too much, loss of appetite or overeating, increase in drug or alcohol use and (the big one) hopelessness. Hopelessness is the most pervasive and debilitating, It is the thing that leads us to believe that nothing will ever be or feel different than it is right now. Hopelessness makes it feel like you will never move on and that nothing will ever work out for you in the future.
5. Acceptance
Finally, this is the phase in which we are able to make peace with the loss. It doesn’t always come on suddenly; it often happens gradually, little bit by little bit, interspersed with some of the other phases. Acceptance doesn’t always involve harmony and flowers – there is almost certain to be lingering sadness. Acceptance entails making peace with the loss, letting go of the relationship and slowly moving forward with your life. Sometimes it feels like this phase will never come, which usually means you’re still struggling in an earlier phase.
Knowing your phases of grief can help normalize your break-up experience. It’s also important to know that there are no time limits and no rushing the process. Grieving is like digestion: there is nothing you can do to hurry it along. It takes time and the only thing you can do is try to get through it. But take heart in the fact that this, like everything else, will eventually pass.
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Hi Crisis,
Sorry to hear things are rough.
It's never an easy thing to deal with a break up, and it's doubly hard when it happens in this way - in many ways it feels like an abandonment rather than an end to the relationship. I think for you, that may be a part of the problem do you think?
Because there hasn't been an opportunity to say your piece, and give yourself that closure, it still feels "unfinished"?
As Othen has said, there is no cure-all for this situation i'm afraid. It does get easier in time, but the road there isn't always smooth. The only advice I can give is to focus on the kids, and focus on yourself... Getting stressed out, or overthinking the situation (we all play the "what if" game at some time or another) will only affect your well being. The kids need you to be strong and consistent for them - and the best way to do that is make sure you are 100% and fighting fit.
I would also say, keep yourself busy, your mind occupied with other things. Maybe arrange some time with friends or family, follow up your hobbies, etc.
Also, just regarding the comment about your ex regarding your avoidance as rudeness - is it worth emailing her or writing to her just to clarify that you need to just not deal with her at the moment, etc? Just a thought.
In any case, keep your chin up crisis!
All the best,
BD