Hello!
I haven't been around for a while so thought Id up date.
Still the same, nothing has changed. Eldests behaviour is deteriorating at an alarming rate.
We have our FSW but shes not much use to be honest, shes weak and doesn't tell you how it is. We've had a few CIN meetings, again, nothing changed.
Hes had the youngest a few times, failed contact a few times, middle one no longer wants to go, I do encourage it but he gets upset / angry, doesn't want beating up by his older brother every other weekend. In a way Im thankful, it kinda keeps him away from the negative behaviour and his behaviour has very much improved over the last couple of months, we haven't had an incident in a long time.
Ex still continues to play the fool, booking holiday without inviting the younger two, failing to let me know when the other will be out of the country, defying my rules and encouraging the eldest to not do as I ask. Failing to attend meeting, sending his new partner in the hope it will wind me up, confiscating childs phone for which Ive now had no contact for over 3 weeks, when I asked ex to get him to call me he told me to ring his partners phone if I wanted to speak to him, I know its petty but really? Should I have to be ringing my ex husbands girlfriends phone to speak to my own son.....I think that's for his own self gratification!
I feel like Im watching my first born self destruct and there NOTHING I can do about it. I don't know where to go from here.
Im in two mind whether to just let the FSW know that Ive had enough, I cant communicate with liars and people who deceive me, Im tired of sitting in meeting listening to [censored], lies to the social workers, just telling them what they want to hear.
Its making me ill.
We are 3 months in now since we got the order, Im still the subject of mind games and my child is the target.
Its not fair.
I'm sorry to hear this Crocs, I think it's damage limitation at this stage and protecting the younger ones from negative influences. Change the things that you can but walk away from things that you can't change no matter how hard you try....you need all of your strength to protect the rest of your family and they can't be sacrificed for the one that there is no hope of saving.
I'm not saying turn your back, make it clear that you will be there for them but only under your terms....I think it's called tough love.
Good luck Crocs x
Thanks NJ
That's been at the back of my mind. I guess I just need reassurance I was about to do the right thing.
The order is there for him to collect the two and I guess if eldest wants to come to me he can call me. I then need no contact with ex.
I don't think I'm going to involve myself in anymore CIN meetings either. I find it extremely infuriating having to sit and listen to the lies that he spouts.
One day he might realise eh?
I agree entirely with NJ, and your assessment. One day, your eldest will hopefully come to his senses and need some roots, and your ex isn't going to provide that, in which case there cold be a good conversation between him and you. Otherwise, he may continue to self destruct - and ultimately, you've done everything you can to stop that, but you need to stop it spreading to your other 2 children. It's a hard decision, and I'm sure that if I were in your position, I'd be struggling with it as well. Ultimately, your eldest is old enough to see what he is doing is hurting you and his siblings, and as long as your ex encourages it, I think you've really done more than could be expected.
I agree a bit of tough love is in order with the eldest you have done all you can and it must be affecting you terribly to have this going on for so long, concentrate on your other two they are going to need a happy mum 🙂
Hey Crocs, sorry to hear this, I can only echo the things NJ, actd and Slim have said. The younger two have to be your priority now. Hopefully your eldest will realise sooner or later. The ironic thing is, whilst Dad seems to revel in the games and using your eldest as a pawn in his games, it's likely to have a long term effect on the relationship with his father.
Sending you all good thoughts and best wishes. Take care of yourself x
Thanks everyone.
Quick update. I spoke with the FSW, told her my decision to take a step back for my own health and sanity, she was obviously not happy but she understood, I explained that I cant carry on with his lies and mind games, the fact both him and his partner lied to me about taking eldest out of school for a holiday and refusal to give me the dates they are away and she agreed he was out of order.
Theres been some issues with an E-cig, school have been sending him home and I told him he wasnt to bring it to my house, turns out its the new partner buying them for him at £25 a go......everything we try to do, enforcing boundaries etc, they just contradict and its that Im not coping with, I feel like Im putting all my efforts into turning him around and they are just ruining his life.
So the FSW suggested some mediation with her and he refused. Hes also since changed his mobile number with passing it onto the FSW and also cut off my eldest contract. Its been 4 weeks now since Ive had a decent conversation with my son. The FSW said I should just ring his partners phone if I want to speak to him but its not the same, we were really getting back on track, he used to facetime me up to 3 times o nan evening and we'd sit and have a laugh and a chat.
So Ive stood down a little. We have another CIN meeting in a few weeks time which Im not going to attend, Ive messaged the eldest through and app which he doesn't get on regular, Ive explained that although I cant contact him as much as Id like it it doesn't change how much I miss and love him, I left him my number in case he lost all his numbers when the contract went and told him to ring me anytime.
Lord knows why his dad behaves like this. Im a believer in karma though and one day soon it will come around.
Update:
He's taking me back to court for the two children.
One has made a passing comment that they want to see him more.
He's now accused ME of not communicating, despite him changing his number etc.
This is ridiculous! How long can this go on for?
I just want to be able to move on, make all my children happy and give them a good life!
Anyone any advise?
I'm worried sick. I really really don't think it would be a good thing for them to live there. I'm all for my children being happy but I also think they need what's best.
They certainly do need what's best - I'm finding it difficult to think of anything to advise you though. Anyone else any ideas?