Hi,
I have been split now for nearly two years. We both have new partners and agreed when we split the kids come first and I have even purchased a house in the same village so my two boys can visit as and when they want. When I left I left a lot of items at the house to ease the disruption to the boys and both agreed a figure of £300 a month maintenance.
Over the months I have had her send me screen shots of the CMS site detailing what i should be paying or demands for money for school trips etc.
My boys have been coming to me for a Friday followed by a Friday and Saturday stay overs and anytime they wanted in the week.
My eldest lad (12), seems happy with this arrangement and seems to be ok. My youngest (9, 10 in November), has however come to me recently with a number of issues and says he is not happy at home and wants to live with me and my new partner.
This has kicked off big style now as my ex has realised that the days are linked to the amount of maintenance, how she did not realise this previously I have no idea!! Anyway, going back to my initial paragraph of " kids come first", I proposed he come to us 4 days a week and her 3, then her 4 and me three. My son was delighted with this but then my ex said no. Since then she is restricting the normal visiting the boys do in the week saying yes you can pick up from school, give tea, take football etc, but they have to be back at mine for 20:00.
My ex is very controlling and manipulating and even though I have expressed we need someone impartial to help him make a decision she has interfered to the extent in a conversation this week my son said he had spoken with mum and he is happy to stay there now. I know this will be a short-term fix for him as this is the kind of thing she does.
So, I am now in touch with a solicitor and she has requested mediation which i am happy to attend. I am concerned that she is calling the tunes and wish to exercise my right to 50/ 50 custody if the boys want it. My eldest may not want it but then fancy coming round in the week, but unable to because she says no. I know my youngest lad has asked to come and she has said no.
Myself and my new partner both work at home and are in a much better position to meet there needs, she has had to take boys to work with her and her partner is not there all the time.
Any ideas on stopping this control she has? Doing what my boys want to do and enforcing my rights as their father? Any other sensible arrangements for days of a 50/50 split?
Apologies for the lengthy message but feel some background info is vital to understand this one.
Thanks in advance
hi,
it's pathetic that she wants to restrict contact if it means she gets more CMS money. if these disputes happen on and off, you are better off going to court and get a decent arrangement. as your sons are 12 and soon 10, court would take their views/wishes seriously.
if they both want to spend more nights with you or move in with you, then there is high chance that court will accept that. don't wait till they are 15-16, as then courts will likely not make any orders because of their age.
at mediation you can suggest 50/50 like, kids stay with you 1 week, then 1 week with her, and it alternates like that. would be good if it can be resolved at mediation stage. stick to your guns and do what's right for the kids 🙂 ask for 50/50 day-to-day equal care of children.
There is a lot of confusion about 'Shared Care' and I believe that after much effort including multiple conversations with the CMS that I finally understand the detail of it.
First of all, rather obviously, if both parents agree on an arrangement between themselves then the CMS do not get involved.
If there is no such agreement and a claim is made to the CMS, then if both parents share an equal financial burden (that includes ALL costs such as clothing, school expenses, pocket money etc., and because of housing and food costs I think this also means that the kids spend a broadly equal number of nights at each parent's home), plus both parents share other 'non-financial' responsibilities such as doctor's and dentist's appointments etc., AND THIS CAN BE DEMONSTRATED, then I understand that the CMS take the view that no maintenance is payable.
If however one parent makes a CM claim and it is granted, then the term 'Shared Care' refers ONLY to the number of nights that the children spend at the paying parent's home. The paying parent gets a sliding scale discount (on the full amount payable if the kids didn't apend any nights with them) based on the number of nights per year spent at the paying parent's home. This is to account for the costs incurred by the paying parent in providing housing and feeding their children when staying with them. However the receiving parent is still responsible for ALL other costs such as clothing, school trips, and in fact anything other than housing and feeding. So I understand that for all CM cases, the receiving parent is still responsible for ALL school, expenses (uniform, school trips etc) and other costs.
If the paying parent makes their CM payments on time and pays for nothing else (other than houses and feeds their children when staying with them) then there is no further legal obligation on them to pay for anything else.
(Though of course they may choose to pay for other things - I still give my kids some pocket money for example even though legally I am not compelled to do so, Except it irritates me that I am effectively putting this money in my ex's pocket as she accounts for my pocket money in what she gives the kids herself !)
So in my understanding - by claiming and being granted CM payments, the receiving parent is by definition assuming sole financial responsibility for stuff like school trips etc. even when the children may spend half the time at the non-paying parent's home.
Apologies - I just understood that my response was somewhat off-topic !
Anyway for what it's worth, I understand that if you pay CM then that's all you have to pay and you are not legally obliged to pay for anything else except look after your children (i.e. provide housing and food) for any nights they stay at your home.
yes, you are not obliged to pay anything more than CMS payments. they give you a discount if you get overnights with kids, and that way you use that money to spend on kids when they are staying with you.