So after a fairly upbeat couple of weeks and coping well with my wife moving in with her boyfriend my mood plummeted last week, firstly when she excommunicated my sister for daring to suggest that my 8 year old may not be ready for the new ready made family she is shoehorning him into, then when he returned from a visit saying that she had told him auntie said he hated her boyfriend and his daughter! Although immature and ridiculous sometimes her behaviour really drags me down.
This Friday they are off for a weeks holiday to a destination that has caused me some distress (I suggested a romantic visit there 2 weeks before she left!). I am angry that for the last 3 weeks she has been messing my son around, missing visits, changing days etc all due to the chaos at work as several staff have left, but can ask for a week off short notice for a holiday!!
I sometimes find the emotional toll of not reacting to her behaviour impossible to bear, I spent all of last night writing and deleting texts in response to her tactless text saying she was changing contact day again and by the way could she have her suitcase from the loft!
She now has no contact with anyone from her pre crisis life (apart from 8 year old son) and has fairly viciously excommunicated everyone else including her own family.
Sometimes I wonder if keeping it civil is worth it, it feels like sometimes people can do awful things and are never presented with the consequences of their actions.
I will keep it together for the boys, I guess they're not daft and know who really has their best interests at heart!
Hi Crisis,
Sorry to hear that you're going through the mill on this one!
Be reassured however, this is the right place to come, and you are doing the right thing - although it isn't easy.
When facing these issues it's sometimes difficult to bite your lip, knowing that your ex is clearly getting an "easier time of it" and that can be stressful, upsetting and aggravating. With regard to changes to contact and messing your son around do you have a mutual agreement rather than a contact order?
Having gone through some rather impolite exchanges with my ex and dealt with the fallout which ensued, i'd say that "wherever possible" brush it off. Only have contact with the ex when absolutely necessary, and hold firm on the idea that you are doing what is best for your children and they will see the truth in time!
Hope it gets easier for you.
All the best,
BD.
Hi crisis
I agree entirely with BD - the momentary relief you may feel by reacting really isn't worth the aggravation of having to deal with the fallout later.
At some point in the future, your ex is going to come down from her cloud (or even be pushed off it) and she is going to realise the damage she has done to everyone, but hopefully by that time, you'll be in a much better place with your boys and yourself.
I spent all of last night writing and deleting texts in response to her tactless text saying she was changing contact day again and by the way could she have her suitcase from the loft!
I've been there and done that, I found not replying until the following day helps as what ever you read in a txt won't wind you up quite so much the following day.
Don't end up stooping to her level and getting into arguements over things, your energy needs to be on yourself and your family and not the one she has moved into.
I know that's easier said than done when the ex throws in curve [censored] but if you stay calm with her and take the higher ground then the stress levels will stay lower.
Think of it this way, if she sends you a txt saying XYZ, then you reacted to that negatively, then that exchange of txt will most likely go on all evening back and fourth, which will make the whole thing worse, if you wait till the following day and reply as politely as you fingers lead by your brain will allow you too then it will most probably be done with.
GTTS
Yes, I agree entirely - never fire off a text back immediately (unless it's a simple yes/no to a question that needs answering) - always think on it and re-write it - think about how it would look if it was seen by the court (because if it's negative, you can be sure that it will be) and then re-write it calmly. In addition to not providing ammunition, you are also taking back control over the situation, in that you are sending the message when you want to, and not when she is expecting you to.
Hi Crisis,
Hope everything is a bit better for you this week?
Just on the back of what ACTD has said, I really used to struggle with this kind of thing, constant texts from the ex about all kinds of pointless stuff - it would disrupt my day and generally put me in a bad mood.
In the end I changed my number and advised her to email me about anything she needed to... In this day and age, most phones have push access to email accounts so they're as accessible as text messages - the only difference being that I found my ex less likely to email me about stupid pointless stuff... and if she did, I would see it was from her and read it when I was ready to.
Maybe not entirely useful to you, dependent on the required communication between you and the ex, but a way of potentially dealing with it? Hope it helps anyway.
Cheers,
BD.
Thanks all,
Your advice is much appreciated, keeping the high ground is difficult but will be worth it in the end. I'm still adapting to the idea of my closest confidant, soul mate and (I thought) life partner becoming the enemy! I wish I had her ability to drop something and pick up something else like nothing happened!
On a brighter note, spent a great afternoon at a friends house in the country with my boys, chopping wood (8 year old with a chainsaw, Health and Safety anyone?), picking apples and riding on the ride on mower, then home for log fire and a movie. My relationship with the boys has really blossomed since the split, every cloud...
Thanks again for the support!
CW70
... Breaking up is so hard, how do people that we think we know inside out change overnight! It's a human conundrum but its her loss by the sound of it! I can't help feeling that one day she will regret what she has done...but by then she will have to live with it.
The very best "revenge" (for want of a better word!) will be that you move forward with your boys and find that life is good and that wife shaped hole you had has been filled with laughter and happiness and fulfilment.
Well put Nannyjane.
Couldn't have said it better myself!
Time is all it takes to heal the wounds left by others... Concentrate on your children and what is important to you. In time, you will get everything back on track, and maybe even find someone who is worth your love and attention.
All the best,
BD.