[Solved] Struggling Single dad after parnter cheated on me
I was with my partner for 12 years and we have had 4 kids together, we have always been very close and talked but things have been going just not right for a few months, I tried to take but she would not talk about it and said things where ok.
Then a month ago one night thingers where not feel feeling right she had not come for a normal hug on the sofa, I tried to talk about it again but she just went up to bed.
I was going out of my mind at this point and could not sleep at all that night, In the morning I told her that we really needed to talk and I had not slept with worry and she did not want to hear any thing about it and told me not to take time off of work as we needed the money 🙁 This was a bit strange I had to drive 40 miles each way on no sleep and it did not even worry her 🙁
Any way I called her at lunch time and she sounded a bit out funny on the phone to and cut things shortm I then got home got the kids to bed and still things where not right, she went up to be and i just guessed i have had it we need to talk. In the end we talked and I was shocked
I found out she had not only cheated on my that day but the person she cheated on me with was my best friend for the past 20 years, not only that but he was also at the time seeing my sister for the past 7 year. OMG i was in bits I had be stabbed in the back by the person I loved with all my heart and my best friend and it had in the end been going on for around 4 months and now she loved him 🙁 Looking back there where signs but i did not want to see them as I know at the time my best friend would never do that.... well i was very wrong...
We then spent the full day talking, we had been together for 12 years I said I would find a way for for give her and we have 4 amasing kids whos world was going to change for ever..... In the end she agreed it was a good idea but she would go down to her mums house for a few day around 150 miles away to think clear her head..
At that point I got on the the phone to my 'ex friend at this point and told him to back off we are going to give it a go for a few months and just see if this would work which he promised we would never see him again'
We my partner then left me with the kids while she went for her brake for a few days.... Sunday came and she said she would be coming back but would nit give a time. I guessed to give us time to talk I would take our kids to our mums so we could finish sorted things out..
I was then waiting and waiting for her to turn up and then suddenly I had a call from her sister, she told me look she is not coming back to work out things out and shes going to take the kids to her mums 150 miles away which say says is for a a few weeks but it will be for good.
I just broke down at this point but then my daddy head kicked in. It would of been so wrong for her to not only take the kids from there home school and friend but there lifes where going to change so much as it was and it would not of been fare on them.
So i stood my ground and told her she is not taking the kids ( thank god i had them at my mums at the time) this went on for a few hours and she then left. even at this time i was still giving her a chance to come back 🙁
So now a month later I still have the kids and they are doing amazing and have really came out of there shells at school which is good and with new people. I have just stated back and work ( but still brake down so much when its the alone times at night or some times at work) I have court on the 21st of dec as I have decided to go for full cust of the kids.
I have not even started on Xmas shopping yet as all my payments have stopped for tax credits etc until they work it out and my wadge only covers my bills 🙁 I will some how work that out at least we have the tree up and im spending so much fun times with them at the minute and they are my world.
I still hurts so bad, I still love the girl...I dont know why but i do. 🙁
What a story, betrayal is never going to be easy to take, I can only offer you my sympathies.
I was left high and dry and denied contact with my children almost 6 months ago - twins who are now 10 months old and a gorgeous step-daughter who is now 7. No betrayal here, just a controlling and manipulative partner of 4.5 years.
She made my life hell and she has stolen my children, leaving me to fight through court and have to prove myself when there is no justification.
I should hate her with a vengeance but I don't. Despite being arrested for sending polite texts asking to see the children, despite almost everybody around me being told a pack of lies so she can justify her action.
I love her and it hurts like hell but you know what, I prefer it that way and I am getting through it.
You had a much longer time in your relationship coupled with the loss of your best friend and the imagery that I know will be whirling around your head. I've been there, I had a partner of 20 years cheat on me and it took some time to recover from that, she actually WAS the love of my life.
The point is, we do overcome these times. We do recover and we do meet new people who we appreciate all the more because of past experience.
Nobody has a magic wand, you do just have to live through where you are at. Your children are with you, this is a huge benefit. I have got through totally alone for six months not knowing if mine are ok or the ex is ok.
With regard to forgiving the wife, don't do it. She has crossed the line and will do it again.
For child contact, it is so important you ensure she maintains close links with the children. She cheated on you, not them. Whatever she is in your mind right now, she is still their mother and they still love her.
Life will come back around one day, maybe it will take years but it will. You WILL look back and somehow be able to take positives from this situation even though it may seem impossible now.
Christmas with no money isn't SUCH a bad thing. Not easy I know BUT it will allow you to take things back to basics and celebrate what it actually means rather than focus on spend spend spend.
Just my tuppence.
I am thinking of you and your children.
Respect man you seem like a top fella hat off to you dude I don't know how I would cope in that situation I'm really sorry to hear all that it's heart breaking it's good that you have the kids, you sound like a brilliant Dad I suppose in the mean time just concentrate on them it's great they are getting along fine.
I'm a bit stumped on what advice I can give but I think it's just going to take time man you sound like you're doing really well you're a month on now and the worst of it is over that initial shock must of been a killer.
Try and do things for yourself and take care of yourself as court will be tough and you want to be in ship shape, try and eat well spruce yourself up with a new hair cut and get yourself some new clothes try and keep yourself busy to keep your mind off things.
Keep your chin up man 🙂
Thanks guys I am working hard to keep things going, Im as strong as an ox when the kids are about then crash when there In bed and I'm alone.
I have made sure she has kept up contact she phones once a day and we have met up with her 3 times.
I think the hardest was Sunday she came over to the house for 5 hours, we agreed to keep it carm and friendly... The problem was that it felt normal like she had never left. 5 minutes before she left I just could not handle it and broke down and cried she just said bye to the kids and not a word tp me and walked out of the house..
I really can't understand what I did so wrong I gave her every thing she wanted even when we struggled for money. Yes thi ngs where hard with having 4 Kids but we where doing OK. The coldness from her now just cuts like a knife. Some weekend she ignores the kids and dont phone as she's to busy with her new relationship. Also my 10 year old girl really does not want to speak to her on the phone over the past 2 days.
Man it's all a mess, I wish I was a bastered to her then at least I would understand why she did it but all I did was love her and do all she asked. She's not the girl I loved for 12 years it's likes shes a different person.
I really have to work on my sleeping 3 am seems to be my bed time at the sec and have lost like a stone and half as my eating is not great. I am working on the eating but I just feel sick after not even half a plate.
I will get there its a dam long road and the not knowing if after the sec hearing that I will keep them or not is hard.
Im posting on facebook of all the fun times I'm having with the kids so they can look back when. They are older and know I tried all I could to make it normal as I could
I know what you are saying about the sleeping thing I never had a decent nights sleep for 8 months last year whilst I was missing my daughter and the stress of court most nights I used to cry myself to sleep, I did find tiring myself out worked a little I'd pump the iron every evening after work and went for a run which knackered me out so I slept a little better which made me eat better to too.
I still miss the friendship I had with my ex more than the relationship although we are co-parenting now really well things will never be the same.
keep on trucking mate.
I mirror what's been said above, you sound like a top bloke who has been dealt a very bad hand.
My advice with regards to eating is eat little and often, I was like you when I was at my lowest and eating a full meal would make me feel sick, eat snacks through the day rather than having a big meal, then when you sit with the children at tea time dish yourself up a smaller meal that feels more managable.
Again I suffered with lack of sleep which all adds to feeling sick when you eat, I agree with slim, excersice helpsor if you enjoy reading try that at bed time as that will also relax you, try and stay off phones and computers ect leading u to bed time as they can stimulate the brain.
Thanks guys, great to be able to talk about it. I have my fingers very crossed for court as im worried they are going to side with there mum 🙁 nail biting times at the second.
I think you have a good chance in court of keeping the children with you, you just need to prepare as much as you can, have as much detail as possible about your plans to provide for the children, and also about how you care for them, talk to your family who live close to you and get agreements that they are on hand to help when ever needed being a single working parent isn't easy no whether male or female, but if you can show that the children living with you is better than being moved to another town, and that you have the support network of your family to ensure the children are always taken care of no matter what, I think you stand a good chance of the court taking your view.
Cover things like who will look after the children if they are ill and can't attend school, who will have them before and after school, school holidays and where they will be fed if you have to work late ect just try and cover every angle that shows you have thought everything through and have the childrens best interest at heart.
Also have a plan ready for contact with your ex, make it as fair as possible, there isn't a set amount that could be given, but I would say something like every other weekend, time in the school summer holidays and maybe all of the half terms (that would help yoou with child care but also show you are being reasonable) cover birthdays and christmas, every other is a good option here. If you can get something set out that you are happy with it could save issues in the future, I know you are applying for residency (custody) so not sure you would have things written into a contact order but if you show you are being reasonable and have thought about all of the logistics it should help your case.
When you are in court talk about facts, although it's hard to keep oppinions out when you are talking about something like this, it's the facts that matter, and have everything written down either in printed form so it's easy to read, or even on prompt cards.
You will be fine and if there are any aspects you are unsure of just ask and we will either have the answer or we can find it.
Are you taking a solicitor with you? I would say that if you are tell them that you want to address the judge as much as possible as that way the judge can hear your emotions rather than the coldness of the solicitor.
Quick update, I have temp cust at the minute and have Court again Friday. I have been able to hold down my full time job with help from my mother looking after the kids for a few hours until I get home 🙂
The kids have really come out of their shell a lot more than when we where together which is strange but good......
I still find my self crashing each time my ex has the kids or in the eves when they are in bed but I will get there 🙂 I'm doing a lot of reading of David Gemmell books at the sec and there are 2 quote which really stands out to me:
"I may be stupid, as you say, to believe in honour and friendship and loyalty without price. But these are virtues to be cherished, for without them we are no more than beasts roaming the land." - David Gemmell
"I have discovered in my long life that there are many words and phrases which have more power than any spell of magick. The most well-known of these is, of course, I love you. But by far the most deadly is, if only. For these two words can strip a man's strength, his courage and his confidence. They become the father of regret and anguish and pain."
-David Gemmell, Morningstar
I will update on Friday and let you know how the court goes 🙂
Absolutely fantastic mate you sound loads more upbeat this is great news well done man 🙂
Quick update, I have found out a bit more about what she is going to offer in court, shes talking about shared caring, the problem is her and her new partner is just about to move into a new bigger house 1 hour away, she cant drive so her getting them to school and picking them up will not be workable and even if she does learn I cant see living with me for a week and then living with my ex for a week would be in away way good for them..... how do people feel about it.
Shared care doesn't have to mean a 50/50 split of time with each parent, but what it does do is level the playing field somewhat. The order would state that the children live with both of you, effectively having two homes.
It's a good solution if both parents can work together as it takes away the premise that the resident parent is the primary parent and more important.