Hi dads! New member here;
I'll try to make this as short as possible but included all needed data. but I'm sorry it's so long!!! My wife and I have been married 12 years and she has two children by the same guy in her previous marriage. My wife's mother worked with her ex unbeknownst to anyone to get the children into his custody by pergering herself saying that my wife was neglecting the children and the judge believed her because what mom would do that to her daughter right? Well her meth addict mom did and we were blindsided by it. My wife left on business for a week and the divorce papers were sitting on the counter to be filed when she got back. She had custody of the kids the entire time they were separated as well. When she got off the plane her mom was there to pick her up, however, her mom served her with papers before she could even get anywhere. BD (Bio dad) had come to the house the day she left and MAM (Meth Addict Mom) had given him the children to take back to his mom' (BDM) house. In the papers were a set of temporary child orders that stated the kids were to stay at the residence that they resided at.... which was BDM's house.
Taken aback at what had happened with MAM, we found what was supposed to be the 10th best lawyer in the state. He told us there was nothing we could do about the orders and that over 90% of cases in the state place the kids where the temp orders state. My wife had endured heavy gas-lighting through her marriage by BD and we were slowly finding out by MAM as well and needed help from a psychologist and a psychiatrist along with anxiety meds so she could get through the therapy she needed and repair the damage. BD uses this in the decree as a condition of release of supervised visitation that she must continue the therapy and she had to put him on the release forms so he could call and get detailed information on her condition, diagnosis and all appointment information and medication compliance. He attempted to gain access to her session notes but that was not provided and he never checked it again unless my wife did not allow him to make sole decisions on the children and then he would threaten her with it and court like any socio would do. Her lawyer (who did nothing but bill her and show up to court and ask a few softball questions) was obliterated by his newly barred lawyer. The lawyer did put in a provision in that at the 1 yr mark of the divorce it would automatically mark a change in circumstance for the children allowing her to re-litigate.
So at the 1 yr mark things had change drastically on both sides. Our new lawyer walked us what we needed to do to get ready for court. He refused to answer the door for 3 weeks so he wouldn't be served. He was sent a letter stating that we were going to file paperwork to allow the case in anyways and he magically took the papers. We had 247 detailed occurrences of child neglect on his side. And these weren't small. We are talking sending the kids to school with shorts and t shirts when it was snowing outside. Or getting a 16 yr old pregnant (Stagatory rape anyone?), having her move into a house his parents paid for cash while he made the new girl take care of the kids day in and day out. After their kid was born he would take the 6 month old baby out to the lake, get in not putting the child in any form of safety gear and basically pass him back and forth like a football. That year we scrambled to get the children into swimming lessons as he would routinely push our oldest who had no swimming training whatsoever off the dock into deep water with no life jacket. That was the first picture our PI took and we made sure it was front and center. The court ordered a home study on both homes. When he came over, he talked a lot about BD being in the navy and how he was in the navy. I handed him the very organize folder and a tape of phone calls that proved that he was abusing my wife verbally still and proving the gas-lighting when he asked us what our concerns were. To my amazement he didn't even open it. He never did. The only thing he did was mention in the report that he was met with this overwhelming folder of "what we called evidence". We had gone over everything in detail with our lawyer and it wasn't un-admissable items. I mean, failing to cover the kids on any insurance for 6 mos forging copies to us making it look like it was... really?
We get the report back and the entire first page was this outlandish story of how my wife slept with 30 guys while he was in Iraq and that she was leaving the kids alone to go have [censored] with people who paid her... it was really bad and it couldn't be further from the truth, however even though he made that a large part of the report he never asked one question to us about it. Scrolling down he had a home assesment for BD. His new ex had gotten fed up and left him right before the study was done. BD called my wife saying that she was cheating on him and their son was severely malnourished and he was filing papers to strip custody from her for being an incompetent parent... wait a sec that sounds familiar. However the day before the home study, Their kid and all his belongings disappeared. They gave him up for adoption and I haven't heard anything about him since except for how upset the kids are not knowing where their brother is. But even when informed the guy of that situation he chuckled and told another Navy story that him and BD talked about.
When we looked at the finances part of the report for his side, he made the statement that he was securing a job as a police officer for 75k a year. And the home study guy wrote "I would be seriously concerned about this if he wasn't weeks out of a good paying job and BD's parents have said they would provide him with any money that he needed for anything." Huh? Ok I'm a week out of inventing an object that will make me a billion dollars a week. Can you write me a check for your life savings until I get paid? I mean he didn't say one thing in the study that was true and he never fact checked him. He is still a shelf stocker boy at walmart. He never applied to any police stations or had the intention to.
The final notes said our home was too formal. The kids were colouring pictures in the breakfast nook quietly and when they had to talk instead of interrupting they waited to speak and always called him sir. It's called good manners look it up. The end result? He said they need to stay with BD. What a crock. We went to mediation and it was more of the same [censored] but the Judge said "the report says BD so it will be "BD" Our lawyer was speechless. He started asking pointed questions about it and he said the report is the only thing that matters even with the evidence of neglect. My wife just broke down and cried. Here we spent our entire life savings to get the kids back (about 70k) and it all hinged on BD going into the navy. His final determination was that BD was fine and my wife overreacts to everything.
After that miscarriage of justice BD though he now could do anything without consequence. Our daughter was diagnosed add and dyslexic and he refused to take her to tutoring and she was failing most of her grades. He didn't care. His parents started leaving them home alone for days at a time.... it was truly over to them and their behavior resumed with their retirement. BD continues to feed BDM and BDD lies about my wifes instability and how she is crazy. Our daughter never gets new clothes and is only allowed to wear our sons hand me downs and the ones we send over for her. He refuses to send them with a weekend bag of their stuff instructing them to bring home anything new we buy. When we buy them a pet for their birthdays when they get them home he will intentionally kill them the next day while they are at school and punish them for not taking care of the pet. We gave our daughter 500 earrings (X3 pairs) because she breaks out if its not pure. She would set them down for the night and when she woke up they are gone.... 3 days in a row. He told the kids he bought his house cash and his car. So my son wanted to work as a stocker and ditch college because he could earn enough there to afford anything he wants. He told them that they ruined his life beinjg born and told them my wife was responsible for it. He has told them they cannot date and has our son believing it's useless and he doesn't want a family, nor our daughter. My son is almost 16 and has never had a girlfriend, his first kiss, his first hand holding nothing. He told him as recently as this month my son will get his dodge when he turn 16. When we firt heard this lie we called BD and asked him and he said there was no way he was getting it. I have a loaded 2014 camry in the garage for him and he's determined he wants and is getting the dodge.
Now that you know the pathological narcissistic sociopaths inner workings... some things have come up this month that is really serious and I need advice on how to handle it. First, in socio style he tells the kids they aren't old enough to know about the divorce. That's been the line forever. But we find out the other day that he's been setting the narrative for what he wants them to know and when they get here will say "we aren't old enough to know" He's lied to the kids and told them HE left my wife because she cheated on him. We tried to clear that one up with a little bit of honesty letting the know their dad was the unfaithful one and that's why my wife LEFT HIM. Even though we have paperwork and docs to prove something we are saying is correct they still want to believe him.
And now the big one. I was talking to my daughter and asked her to the daddy-daughter dance. That's something her and BD has done but he leaves after 15 mins and goes home and plays video games. I thought it would cheer her up from not going to hers. She responds to the text with "No thank you, you really need to take" I never got a reason from her so I sit her down and ask her what brought her to no. And I told her don't worry about me being upset I'm not the kind of guy who gets [censored]-hurt over stupid [censored] (like her dad). So she says two things that really bother me.
1. I said no because I think you're jealous of Dad.
2. I don't want to go out alone with you. I just want to see you at the house.
I cleared up one really fast. I'd never be jealous of that loser. But the second one she wouldn't tell me why. She got really uncomfortable and said nothing until I told her we were done.
Now for the question to you guys. I know in my heart by her movements et al BD told her I would sexually abuse her if she went out alone. In the last 13 yrs I have shown no pattern of this and I know it's to kill off any relationship we have because she doesn't like her dad at all and it's his MO to try to look better. I'm also sure there is a lot of parental alienation going on. So how do I dispel this despicable stuff he's loaded into her head?
hi,
that was some shocking stuff. heres some info i found:
Overcoming Parental Alienation: How To Reconnect With Your Kids
When you’re trapped in the vicious cycle of parental alienation, how do you break free and reconnect with your kids? Read on for important tips to help you re-establish healthy, loving relationships with those most dear to you: your children.
Parental Alienation (PA) occurs in high-conflict divorces when one parent turns the children against the other parent. Parents who do this are called Alienating Parents (APs), and they often are not aware that their personal feelings about their ex are not reality. APs are generally stuck in anger and look for a target to blame for their problems and painful feelings. In the case of divorce, that target is their ex, or Targeted Parent (TP).
Trying to parent a child who has been conditioned into believing you’re bad or worse is challenging. What do you do when your child appears to hate you, or refuses to see you? Here are five ways that Targeted Parents can reconnect with their kids.
Address lies and bad-mouthing. Conventional wisdom to “say nothing” in the face of bad-mouthing does Targeted Parents a huge disservice. You MUST stand up to propaganda. You wouldn’t smile and say nothing if you were accused of murder, so why should you remain mum when your child tells you: “Mommy says you wanted the divorce because you don’t love us?” Don’t respond in kind, but DO state the facts in an even-handed tone: “I’m sorry Mommy told you that because it’s not true. The divorce was a grown-up problem and had nothing to do with you. I will always love you and I will always be your daddy.” Be prepared to repeat this often.
Encourage your child to speak to you directly. Parental Alienation functions like a cult. The Alienating Parent (AP) isolates the child from the Targeted Parent (TP) so they only hear the AP’s skewed reality and come to believe that’s The Truth. How do you combat this? Tell your child to come to you if they have questions about anything they’ve heard about you, or something they believe about you that worries them. All children, be they children of divorce or in tact families, need to learn to speak to parents directly instead of using the other as a go-between. Your child might not believe you, but at least they are getting the opportunity to hear your side of the story – a story which might seem more reasonable to them as they mature and develop critical thinking skills.
Manage your emotional reactivity. It’s normal to feel angry, scared, and defensive when you’re continually being insulted and slandered by an ex who cannot manage her emotions. But it’s imperative that you do your best to manage your own emotions when you’re around your kids. If your ex tells your children you’re scary and then you act scary (because you get so frustrated you blow your top), you will just confirm your ex’s twisted version of the truth. If you find yourself flying off the handle, get help: therapy, meditation, exercise, journaling, etc. And repeat this mantra: what my ex thinks about me is none of my business.
Continue reaching out. If you no longer have child custody, or if your child refuses visitation, don’t stop trying to have a relationship with him. E-mail, text, send a birthday present, call, show up at school events. Don’t expect to get a civil response, or any response at all. However, don’t interpret a lack of response as a sign that your child doesn’t care that you’re invested in trying to be his parent. Even if your kid says he hates you and doesn’t want to see you, he probably does and is trying to test your commitment. When adult children of PA reconnect with a Targeted Parent they often ask why that parent disappeared, and admit they were hoping to be “rescued” from the AP. When you weary of your child’s rejection, remember: focus on your intention, not the outcome.
Be patient. Rebuilding your relationship with your child is a marathon, not a sprint. It could take years — even into their adulthood – before you see your efforts pay off. In the meantime, focus on your intention to reconnect and try to let go of worrying about the outcome.
Hi HoboRich - are you based in USA? If so, there is limited information we can give you as the legal system over there is different to that in the UK (we are a UK based site). However, the good news for you is that I believe the courts over there do recognise parental alienation (still in it's infancy in the courts over here) so you have more chance of having that recognised.
Bill thank you for that. We have always taken the high road with anything that comes through the kids when they ask, but more often than not they keep it to themselves I believe. I've told both the kids that their job in the divorce is only two things, love and respect your mom and love and respect your dad. Everything else you hear ignore because divorce is not nice and everyone comes away butthurt. That's worked well up to this point. I just don't want her to believe I'm a terrible person that would even think of doing that.
Yes I am USA based. We don't intend to go through all the court stuff again because they are too close to being adults. We have tried to keep the peace but this one thing I really want to dispel in her mind.