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Difficult Father/ Daughter Relationship and Partner

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Im hoping you dont mind me asking Dads how I can improve this situation. Ive been with my partner about a year and half (we are both around the 50 mark) and he has recently won a custody battle as his 13 year old daughters mother is being investigated for neglect. His son of 18 from the same woman has been living with him for 5 years he is now 18. Since the daughters arrival almost 2 months ago we have had nothing but chaos. It has come to light that she had a cannabis addiction from smoking with the mother, she steals, lies (about absolutely everything) has made false allegations about her father in the hope of returning to her mother, she has ran away 3 x (the mother also instigated all of this) etc, etc. She lives now with her dad, her father(my partner), her brother and his 82 year old father. Due to insufficient space she shares a room with her dad (she has the double bed and he sleeps on the floor on a single mattress). She walks around the house inappropriately dressed, hot pants, and on a recent occasion just knickers and a t- shirt, she bends over revealing her backside often and sits with legs open. I have brought this to the attention of my partner and said it needs to be addressed as it is concerning. Whenever I am in their present she is constantly hugging her father (Today was 3 x in 5 minutes) and he is very affectionate, stroking her hair etc. In this time, he does not want to hug me, or have intercourse with me and only comes to stay, at a push once a week. He is ususally grumpy and says, he feels bad leaving his daughter with her brother and his dad. I feel she is deliberately trying to wind me up and due to the stress of everything, it is really difficult for me to talk to my partner about how I feel. I feel unappreciated and unloved, as he only seem to need me to work in his shop and help out with all the social services/ medical /contact centre (for seeing mum) appointments. Can anyone advise/ help.Everytime I try to explain how I feel, he goes straight to stress and say he doesnt want toalk about our relationship. He doesnt want to hug or kiss me anymore. Please help/ share your thoughts..I would just like to understand if possible, how he might be feeling, and if there is anything I should or shouldnt do. I am reaching out as I really want to support them both but am struggling.

This topic was modified 1 month ago 2 times by vixta
Topic starter Posted : 12/06/2024 7:05 pm
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It sounds like it's a really difficult situation for you. The role of the step parent is not a simple one and it is usually unfamiliar to everyone involved. But on top of that your partner's daughter has been through a big change of having to leave her home. It may have been far from an ideal place for a child, but it's the home she has grown up in and it's very possible that the only thing that she feels like she can control in her life right now, may be her connection with her dad. That must be scary for a child. 

Your partner may well feel torn between the two of you and also between the other family members living there together. It sounds like it's difficult for everyone. He might appreciate any positivity you can offer at this stage - however small!! In fact, your positive, kind and helpful presence might be just the thing they all need and it may slowly rub off too! If you could, try to give him some space to find his feet in this new situation and let him know that you are there for him and also for his daughter. He may feel like he can suggest ways that you could help, otherwise simply knowing that you are on his side, will be a huge boost for him. 

Regarding the daughter's behaviour around the house, see if you can start to chat or connect with her at any moment as it arises and maybe she will learn that you are someone she can get to know and trust. Her behaviours may well calm down as she settles in and gets to know everyone more. Complement her on any items of more suitable clothing(!) she wears or things she likes to do and see how that goes!


Parent Support @ Spurgeons & mum of 3

This post was modified 4 weeks ago by Cloud
Posted : 25/06/2024 4:55 pm

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