Does anyone have any advice on this?
My ex continuously discusses court with our daughter. Over the years, our daughter has told me. Back in the summer, my daughter was upset with me at handover because I 'keep taking mummy to court'. I did my best not to react and calmly told my ex that court matters aren't to be discussed with children. My ex then said that our daughter should know what is going on and has a right to know. I walked away at that point. This morning I sent an email to my ex, which our daughter asked me to do for her, to explain why our daughter has been getting so upset at her mum's home recently. I have just had an email back from my ex saying that it's not what our daughter told me about (home-schooling in lockdown), but that our daughter has apparently said that she has been upset because I took mummy to court again this week. She then said that our daughter feels better now that it's all over, and criticised me for NOT talking to our daughter about court, saying that our daughter feels 'shut down' when she tries to ask me about court because I won't speak about it in detail with her. For the record, when our daughter asks me (because my ex has already told her), I tell her 'family court isn't like the court where criminals go, it's just a place parents go to decide on the best thing for their children'. I would obviously prefer not to say anything at all, as it's not for a child to be worried about, but I have to say something, and this has felt like the best way to address it - succinct, not giving her any details, but trying to put her mind at rest. We have been warned in general against discussing court matters with our daughter, but my ex was personally warned to stop doing it a couple of years ago, although the court never put it in our final order. I wanted to bring it to the court's attention at my resolution hearing this week, but if you've read my most recent post, you'll know that I was barely given a chance to speak and probably would have had it worse for mentioning that on top.
What can I do?
Theres nothing you can do . It seems like the email you got back from your ex wasnt that bad . You need to try and put past behind you and co - parent and try and get on amicably. You can raise it at family court , but they will do the same thing tell you both not to discuss adult matters with your daughter. If mum carries on they will do absolutely nothing. I expect your daughter may want is it to look like you both get on well as the older they get the more they see whats going on. This can make them feel a little upset from time to time and can go through stages where they have split loyalties.
What is your resolution hearing for this week ? U want to take full advantage that you managed to be in family court and just go after a great contact order and make sure u get all holidays defined if required. handover points or anything covid could complicate etc . try and agree things with ex and hopefully not have to return
yes unfortunately there is not a lot that can be done about issues like this. other than court warning or them telling a parent off. just have to try ignore any nonsense that happens at the other house.
Warwickshire 1,
The resolution hearing was to stop my ex deregistering our daughter from school, as I pointed out in the last post you commented on.
I am dealing with a narcissist. I have done nothing but be amicable over the years and continue to do so. There is no such thing as 'co-parenting' with a narcissist. Co-parenting in general is always the preferred route and is what I had always tried to do. But through speaking to therapists and other professionals, I have learnt that it is impossible and the best thing I can do is just do the best job I can when our daughter is with me. My ex is an abuser. She abused me and she has been emotionally and psychologically abusing our daughter from day one.
Talking to our daughter about court matters is causing her huge distress and is not something an 8 year old should be dealing with. I am quite frankly getting fed up with you commenting on my posts, trying to minimise something that is very distressing for both me and my daughter.
I agree, there is a huge chance that the court won't do anything about it. That's why I am here asking for some guidance should anyone have any other ideas. When your child comes to you in tears, physically shaking with anxiety because of things her mother has done or said, I'm sorry, but that is not something that any responsible, loving father just brushes under the carpet. Whether the court can help her or not is not the point. The point is, she needs help in dealing with her abusive mother somehow, and I am determined to provide her with that help.
Very rude , maybe time to focus on your hearing. I am fed up of hearing you exaggerating and complaining like a woman. Your a drama queen ! This is probably why courts have said they dont want you to keep turning up there !!!!
You post continuous and dont like it when you get given what is basically reality
Hi all
Keep it sensible on here. I appreciate that there are differing views, and of course when your children are involved then there are bound to be a lot of emotions involved, but we are all here to try to provide support and advice, even if it's not always the advice people necessarily like to hear.
hi guys, lets not argue. going through courts and dealing with children's issues is tough enough as it is. semi, even after court hearings are over you can still seek support from social/childrens services. I was watching this video the other day, check it out:
Have you spoken to her school about your concerns? They will know how your daughter presents at school, albeit a bit tricky at the moment. Presumably you have parental responsibility so the school should be giving you reports and keeping you updated on your daughter's progress.
Hi Semifinalist,
I can sympathise with your situation.. Fortunately I am not there yet and this may be something I have to deal with too.
My views are that there are a lot of variables to be considered when looking at whether to tell a child about what's going on. Their age, maturity, the situation, what they are saying, how they are feeling, their peers and what's happening there, how the ex is dealing with it, what the school says, what the wider family is saying etc etc.
Whilst ordinarily I agree that as parents we should not discuss such matters with our kids, unfortunately circumstances (and the variables above) can mean that we have to talk to them about such matters, and I guess the key would be as to how we do this.
I think the rule of not discussing probably only works where both parents are coparenting, things are amicable and both parents agree that they should sort things out without involving the kids or discussing things with them.. In almost all other situations, considering the aspects I mentioned it becomes inevitable that try as we might our kids want to know more and if we do not discuss things with them then they can feel shut out or in the absence of both parents explaining things they are unable to form a balanced view point (age/maturity comes into play) thus leaving them influenced by one side of the story..
In your situation, potentially I would consider explaining to the ex that il go along with what she is saying that u should explain to child why I'm taking mummy to court (headline summary) and then explain to child in a factual manner removing emotions (not easy to do).. Whilst making clear that as its an adult matter it may not make much sense to child, may not be easy to understand but that it's just the way the family court works and there is a process to follow..
These are just my views about how I'd handle with my kids, appreciate your circumstances are different...
I would however keep a record in writing of the ex complaining that you haven't spoken to child about the court process, otherwise you risk her complaining to the courts about what and how you have talked to child about taking mummy to court...