[Solved] NRP Dad - new relationship issues
I'm hoping you can provide some objective and impartial feedback re the following and please feel free to be open and blunt if required.
I have 2 children under the age of 6 and they live with my ex wife.
I have been in a very close and loving relationship with a woman who has her own 8 year old son.
We still live separately but are both very keen to live together as we love each other very much.
My ex wife belongs to the category of women who Exploit feminism and give it a bad name.
From the moment our children were born my ex wife jumped at giving up her job and subsequently had no interest in going back to work even when she could have easily worked part time during nursery and school hours. They were at nursery 4 days per week from 10 until 3 for 2 years and I have no idea what my wife did in her spare time because there was certainly no evidence of anything in the house.
marrying her was my mistake and I take full responsibility and the above is just to give you context.
Now my new partner is a very hardworking lady earning good money. She is at the moment still married because I am not in a healthy state financially due to being made redundant and we are waiting for my situation to improve before she leaves her husband and we get our own place.
And now to the area where I would appreciate your feedback.........
My new partner hates my ex wife for being all the things that give women a bad name. I totally understand and empathise with her. Especially as my ex wife will indirectly benefit from her hard earned money.
As a result she finds it very difficult to separate my children from their mother and subsequently has never been happy when I talk about them.
She is also concerned about the degree of contact I have with them ..... I want to see them every alternate weekend and have them stay on a Friday and Saturday night and then hand them back to their mum by Sunday lunchtime. So a total of 4 nights per month.
This is something she is very unhappy with as I originally told her it would be one night every alternate weekend. However I have realised since that this isn't enough.
She is now saying she is unwilling for us to live together based on the above and that we will need to remain as we are.
So a simple compromise from me would change this... Have my twins for the weekend but only on the Saturday night.
Equally she could compromise for me.
I guess you may feel that the only people who know the right answer are me and my new partner. However once you are I a relationship it's impossible to be objective and that is what I am hoping you can help with
Sorry but I'm going to be blunt, in my point of view you have taken on her son who I assume is around all the time, I may have missed something but that's something you have done because you love your partner. I personally believe that she should at least be happy for you to see your children as much as possible as well because we all know how much we wish to be the best loving parents possible? Just my 2 pence worth, I know we need to give and take in certain situations but your kids must come first in my view.
Hope it works out how you want,
I'd bin her, holding you to ransom because you spend too much time with your children? What a load of rubbish she should be supporting you and your children and promoting contact, you only see them 4 nights a month that is absolutely shocking, get rid and think about your kids to hell with your ex too both of them don't matter it's all about your kids.
Did I read that right? She is still married? If so I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her and I bet she would do exactly the same to you in the long run, don't you feel ashamed seeing a married Woman? I would for sure.
I've just re-read your post and I can't believe it! Wanting to reduce contact with your children just to please a Woman? Shocking I feel sorry for the kids 🙁
Thank you for the honest response and it wasn't blunt it was just typed with passion 🙂
I think it would be fair to say that my new partner has every right to feel the way she does about my ex wife. I feel the same way.
And of course it's because of my mistake that she is going to suffer. I can't undo it but at the same time it doesn't change the fact that my appalling judgement will impact on my new partner for the rest of her life.
You might argue that she could walk away if it's that unbearable but the reality is she does genuinely love me and apart from this one thing we are perfect together. She really is that uniquely weirdly perfect person for me. I never believed in that stuff before I met her.
I understand your point about our children and I do everything I can to let them know how much I love them. They are in no doubt of that.
But I also understand how difficult if not impossible it is for my new partner to surgically separate mother from children .
I have decided I'm going to try one night instead of the 2 when we finally get together properly
And no I'm not looking after her son because we are not yet living together but yes it goes without saying I will do everything I can to support her and win his trust. But it is easier for me as she married a decent man and there will be no detrimental impact on me at all.
Im adding the above because I want to make sure I represent her perspective as fairly as is possible
My ex is exactly the same living of benefits I pay a small fortune in maintenance when I shouldn't be paying anything as I have my daughter 50% of the time, She put me through hell for a year through court which cost me a fortune I probs still hate her a little but I let it ride because she is the Mother of my Daughter and I've had to forgive her for the sake of our child I would never cut contact to please a new partner like I said it doesn't matter what the ex is like or your partner your focus should be on your kids and whats right for them who cares what your partner thinks of your ex that shouldn't even come into it you'll regret all this when you split up and you've missed out on all that time with your kids trust me.
This has to be a wind up or a troll post it's just absolutely insane I can't comment anymore I'm flipping my lid!!!! haha 🙂
You say that once you are in a relationship quote, "it's impossible to be objective .....". It is possible to be objective and you need to be for your own sake and that of your children. I think it would be a good idea for you to re-read your post and consider very carefully the type of woman this new love is.
You state your new love quote, "hates my ex wife......" Is it reasonable for one person to hate another because they hold different views?
Why does your new woman find it difficult to separate your children from their mother and isn't happy when you talk to her about your own children, is this reasonable behaviour from her, is it fair?
You say you are waiting for your financial situation to improve before she leaves her husband, will she leave him when it does? Is your being together all down to money?
Why is your new love quote, "concerned about the degree of contact...." you have with your own children, you are their father, is she being fair and reasonable? Does she want to isolate you from them, if so why?
You say this new woman is quote, "unwilling" for you to live together. Look very carefully at her reasons for saying that. Is it because she wants her own way all the time and be able to control you?
A person who tries to come between a parent and child as you have portrayed your new woman to do is not worth the time of day and I would question how much she loves you.
Please do not lose your children because of this woman.
I am the partner of a man fighting to spend time with his child.
I am not a fan of his ex (saying it lightly) but I would never ask my partner to limit his time with his child, in fact I do all I can to help him get the contact they both deserve. I can manage to separate child and mother as it's not the childs fault.
I agree with Slim that I'm hoping this is a troll but unfortunately I don't think it is. You need to start putting your child first. I know what it's like to be deeply in love and want to make them happy, but not to the detriment of a childs well-being.
You say your new love is married and now won't leave him as you want to see 'too much' of your child. I would suggest it is an excuse and that she won't be leaving her husband any time soon. Be wary of your new loves intentions as you could lose out on time with your child for nothing.
I can see you're very protective of your new love and wish to defend her behaviour, and it now looks like you're going ahead with what she wishes and for that your child may not forgive you when they are older.
You say 'your new partner will suffer' why will she suffer? From having to spend time with your children? She certainly will not have any financial obligation to your ex as your maintenance is calculated on your earnings alone, not hers.
I think a lot of our Dads will be angered by reading your post....you're prepared to compromise time with your children and not take their best interests into account because of your new partner's issue with their mother?
I'm sorry, as a moderator I always try to stay relatively neutral but I feel if you're prepared to take on her child full time, she should be prepared to do the same for yours. There are plenty of members on here who fight for every second of contact with their child they can get and for many, the reason is that their own fathers did not and it's had long term effects on them.
I would say that your new partner's attitude should be a huge red flag in this situation.
I think what has already been said pretty much covers it, you shouldn't be bending over backwards for a woman that is asking you to give up time wityh your children, even more so when she is married.
Your new partner (and I use that losely as she can't be your partner and married to someone else in my oppinion) doesn't really have the grounds to complain about your situation and your children, when firstly you will be taking on her child and secondly, she is currently married and won't leave until your finances are sorted, if she was your true perfect partner, your children and your financial situation wouldn't even factor into anything, she would be single by now and living with you spending anytime she could with you.
If you reduce your contact with your children for this woman you are making a huge mistake.
Am I right in thinking you are having an affair and your current beau will not leave her husband until you get a new job?
Some women are monkeys
to quote dougray scott
"women are monkeys mate, wont let go of one branch until the grab onto the next"
Sorry if I sound glib, but it sounds like this relationship is going to split the other childs family and we'll see another dad on here in a few weeks asking what to do about his missing 8 year old thats getting fathered by a guy.
Sorry if Ive misread