Hi everyone,
This is my first post so I hope I'm in the right place and can get some help or advice, any would be appreciated. I have a 10 year old son who resides with his mother; I took her to court when he was 2 and got a contact order set up. I have my son every other weekend from Friday to Sunday and half of holidays, I would give my left nut to have him more but that's the max I could get and his mother will never give me extra time with him. Over the past 8 years my son's mother has gone against the order on a number of occasions (Normally when she doesn't get her own way about something) but it has normally been resolved before it goes back to court, often with a letter from my solicitor. Contact then resumes until the next argument, and so on.
I am now married and my wife has been in mine and my son's life since he was 18 months old. Up until now when my son was with us life was perfect, we all get on so well and my son seemed so happy and often asks if he can stay longer, to which I never really know exactly what to say as I'm 100% sure his mother wouldn't allow it. I'm quite certain a lot of the events which have occurred are caused by jealousy on her part, she is a single mother of 4 (only 1 is mine) and is very bitter. She has been extremely rude and on occasion very nasty to my wife (My wife and I have very slim chances of having a baby together which she uses).
So that's a brief background story, now for my current predicament. On the 15th September I returned my son home from normal weekend contact, admittedly we were 10 - 15 minutes late (with a good reason) but this has happened on occasion and its never really been an issue. An argument broke out between Ourselves (My wife and I) and my son's mother, things escalated quite quickly which resulted in my son's mother going for my wife whilst we were still sat in the car, kicking and denting our car. That led to both my wife and I getting out of the car and then my wife and my son's mother having a fight. This is the first time it has ever lead to any kind of physical violence and I made it quite clear to my wife that I wasn't happy it'd come to that. However, In my wife's defence (as biased as this might sound but it's the truth), my wife was acting in self defence. My main concern when it happened was the children (even hers!) so I looked at the window's and luckily none of them saw it happening.
When we got home after the incident we called the police straight away, because we reported the incident ten minutes after her, our allegation was classed as a counter allegation. The police didn't interview us until two and a half weeks after, which is when we found out she had massively exaggerated what happened and even said that I'd assaulted her as well. This police matter is still being resolved but I'm pretty sure nothing will come of it as the police seemed quite confident that she'd made a lot up as there were quite a few things that didn't add up. Anyway, back onto my son, during the week before the weekend I was due to have my son again I got a phone call from his school headmistress. She told me that my son is quite anxious about coming to stay with me at the weekend. I arranged to go in on the Friday just before school ended so he could come and talk to me with the headmistress there and I could reassure him everything was okay. When I arrived, the headmistress informed me that my son was refusing to come and talk to me and definitely didn't want to stay for the weekend. This broke my heart as he's never not wanted to come with me, after having a chat with the headmistress it became clear that my son's mother had fed my son the same BS as she'd said to the police. She proceeded to tell me that my son had spoken to her about what happened and at first he told her that he didn't see what happened but only heard shouting which made him cry. But a few days later told her that he saw me raise my fist to his mum (I'm Dumfounded that my son has lied about me) and saw my wife hitting his mum, and then again after that he told another different story, which made three different stories.
I'm convinced that my son's mother is filling his head with rubbish and has convinced him that what she has said is the truth. This weekend is my weekend with my son, but again he doesn't want to come. I just don't understand why, I've never so much as smacked my boy's [censored] let alone hit him. I hardly ever shout at him as I believe if you sit down with a child and talk to them calmly you can get your point across better. I tell him every day I see him that I love him, He even told me once that he thought I was perfect which I thinks pushing it a little bit. I spoke to his headmistress today and apparently he was kept home from school yesterday (by his mum) due to anxiety, I haven't had a chance to talk to him since the incident. He does have a phone but he's told me in the past his mother listens to his conversations with me and makes him feel uncomfortable, she's also made him write certain texts in the past. He's not answering his phone, and the texts I've received back seem very suspicious.
His mother does have a history of lying and mental health problems and I know my son feels her anxiety and instability which has caused him to be anxious about things in the past. I'm not concerned about his physical welfare but I am concerned about his mental welfare, I have been for many years but have never known what to do about it. His mother doesn't have a drink problem and doesn't take drugs so I just feel stuck. I could deal with it previously cause I was seeing him but him suddenly showing these anxieties about staying with me is quite concerning. I really don't know what to do. PLEASE HELP
Luke
P.S Sorry its so long I just felt most of this information was necessary.
Hi Luke, Im sorry this has happened you must be devastated . I think what I would do is let the situation calm down then then write your son a note (give it to the head mistress to pass onto him ) explaining you are missing him and would he like to go out after school one night just the two of you, just for a couple of hours for a bite to eat , MacDonald's or wherever he likes. You will return him home or maybe the Saturday morning. I think small steps are required so you can build back trust I know you haven't done anything wrong but he has been a witness to his Mum being upset I expect she has fed him lies .
You can get family mediation where you sit with your son and a mediator and maybe this may help..
Thanks for your reply ak57, that's a good idea regarding the note. I'm not shore he would agree to coming with me though, he didn't even want to talk to me with the headmistress there. His mother is a real problem, I know she's feeding him a lot of negative information about me and doing everything she can to get me out of the picture. She's very mentally unstable and extremely anxious and my son senses this and takes on a lot of worry; I think he's worried about upsetting his mum. I'm so concerned about his mental health, to the point I'm seriously thinking about calling social services. I've avoided doing that even when there's been cleanliness and hygiene issues in the past, which have showed signs of neglect. Do you think I should call them? problem is I get the impression they don't take emotional abuse very serious or is it just because its so hard to prove?
Hi lukepb4,
Wow - what a lot to deal with. It sounds like you have been through the mill over this.
I'm so concerned about his mental health, to the point I'm seriously thinking about calling social services. I've avoided doing that even when there's been cleanliness and hygiene issues in the past, which have showed signs of neglect. Do you think I should call them? problem is I get the impression they don't take emotional abuse very serious or is it just because its so hard to prove?
The trouble with this is the potential for things to escalate and spiral out of control - claims, counter claims, resentment, arguments......and you're back to square one again.
I guess what you really need to think about is sorting out the issues with your ex and keeping your eyes on the prize, spending quality time with you son.
Have you considered mediation? If you really want to try to sort out all the issues with your ex it really is worth considering? You and your wife and your ex maybe able to find a way to move forward that suits all parties and allows you and your ex to both parent in a way that suits the one person that really matters - your son.
There comes a time when you all have to put aside what has happened in the past, maybe not forgive but forget and move forward.
I hope this is of some help.
Gooner
I really think you should grow up and start behaving like an adult , I bet you son was petrified . Look you ex partner is a good mother or you would of reported this sooner . Who is there when your sons sick who's there when things haven't gone well at school. I guess he hears you talking about his mom too , he loves her and you should to as the mother of your son .if your nice to someone. They can't be aggressive back so what's going on . You ex has all the pressure not you
Hi 1976 Maggie,
Unless I misunderstand, you are of the opinion that lukepb4 should grow up and behave like an adult.
What is the basis for your comment?
It seems that his ex is not behaving like an adult by way of going against the court order on numerous occasions and by starting a physical altrication.
I agree that his son must be petrified and his feeling must be addressed so that he is not affected.
I disagree that someone cannot be agressive if you are nice to them as in my experience this has not been the case.
If lukepb ex was more collaborative then would you agree that this would lead to less pressure on her as he could help out more?
Regards,
Dave
Hmm ...I think 1976maggie might have more than a passing interest here...it strikes me that she may have a personal connection, it would explain the unwarranted attack!
🙂
Yes, never thought that there could be a personal connection.
It's not unknown for estranged partners to stalk the forums Daves.....sad isn't it!
What a ridiculous remark 1976maggie, clearly you're someone who has issues with your children's father and tar all fathers with the same brush. GROW UP!! really, thats very constructive advice you prat!! I would give anything to be there for my son when he's sick or has a problem at school, do you think it's my choice that I see my son every other weekend... And NO I don't bad mouth his mother in front of him, I don't need to, when he's old enough to understand properly he'll realise what an evil, manipulative liar his mum really is. Yes I'm sure he was petrified, that's exactly why I said his mother and my wife were wrong for fighting, I cant control how his mother acts towards us can I. And how the [censored] would you know if she's a good mother or not? my son's hygiene is awful because she can't be arsed to teach him how to wash properly. Every time he comes to me (after 2 weeks) he looks like he's been living on the streets for 2 weeks and leaves looking like a prince. Social services don't exactly do much about dirty children do they, and that would open another can of worms if I reported her wouldn't it. Like I said in my original post, I personally feel she abuses him mentally hence why I was asking for advice, again if the authorities don't see bruises they tend not to do a lot. In future if you haven't got anything constructive to say don't say anything at all.
To the others, Thank you for your comments, I appreciate hearing other people's point of view. Regarding the incident which I explained in the original post, the police have taken no further action, but did however state in their report that her home was very dirty and did imply that I report her. I still haven't seen my son which is frustrating as I'm missing him like mad. Its looking like I'm going to have to take this back to court, which is difficult as they no longer help with legal costs in custody cases, so I will need to represent myself. I wouldn't be surprised if this was why she caused the trouble in the first place cause she knows I won't be entitled to help with legal costs. Anyway I'll keep you all updated, Thanks again.
Dont rise to it Lukepb4....
There is plenty of advice and guidance here for you when you self represent.
Continue to be the better person, always have your childs best interests at heart and have courage of your convictions.
Good luck.
Regards,
Dave