[Solved] what access do you get to your children?
Hi everyone, first of all i don't want to lie, i'm a female. i would love some advice on custody from a fathers point of view if you would be so kind. i believe that children deserve 2 parents and am extremely proud of myself and my ex for how amicable our relationship has been in the 4 years since we split. my ex has our 2 children every wednesday and friday overnight and every other monday night too. we take turns for xmas and birthdays, alternating every year. he takes them on holiday when he likes really. anyway, he is taking them abroad for a week in may, but has asked if he can also take them in april for a week also. as its only 5 weeks between the 2 i have said no as its a little too close together. i came to a compromise that he could take them for 4 days but thats not good enough. i feel bullied by him but refuse to back down and have said he can take them g=for a week in august as its a bigger gap. am i being unreasonable? what access do you get to your children? i believe i have always been very fair and put our children before anything else. i don't want to fall out with him, our children need us both in their lives 🙂 please reply
There really isn't a set amount of contact to be honest.
It's great that you have worked together in the best interests of the children thus far and it would be a such a pity for that to change.
I don't understand the reason for your refusal, if you left the decision up to the children what would they say? I bet they like to go away on holiday and lets face it who doesn't! If you weigh it up, they spend most of the time with you, roughly 70% and if you look at it that way then an extra week from time to time isn't too much to ask. It boils down to the children and whats good for them...and spending time with their Dad can only be a good thing...they will thank you for it as they grow up.
I agree with nannyjane - you sound like you have got a really good amicable agreement, and something like this could make it go bad. I don't know what your reasons for not wanting this holiday in April are, but if there are good reasons, then talk them through with your ex to try to come to some understanding so that he backs off a little and understands your position as much as you understand his, and make sure that the children are prime consideration for you both.
Well done for your attitude to your ex being included fully in your children's lives - that really is the way it should always be.
my only reason is that its a little too close together. i have spoken to my daughters, 1 wants to go, the other doesn't. i'm afraid if i say yes now he'll think he bullied me into it. i have no problems him taking them on holiday whatsoever. just not twice in 5 weeks. school holidays i get to relax the routine of early nights a little and want to spend some quality time with my girls too. this is honestly the 1st time i have ever said no to him about anything. i did explain my reasons and he seemed to agree but then started intimidating me. i don't want or need all of this. if there wasn't only 5 weeks inbetween i would have no problem. he actually told my 8 year old that its mummys fault she can't go on holiday and he made her cry but blamed me. i think that is unfair. i said no to a week, i agreed to 4 days? thats not a no to me. he usually takes them abroad for 4 days at a time so don't understand why he can't this time? thanks for your replys and advice 🙂
I get none, haven't done for years, the ex made sure of that
I personally don't see your reason as being a good one...it has an element of control about it...having said that I do agree that both parents are entitled to quality time during school holidays.
The daughter that doesn't want to go may be saying that because she thinks that's what you want to hear, a very common response in young children, they want to please. It was wrong of him to tell the 8 year old that's it's your fault, the children shouldn't be involved in this way. That needs addressing and is a reason to stick to your guns on this occasion.
I also understand that agreeing at this point might send the wrong message. However you need to get your relationship with your ex back on track for the children's sake. Might I suggest that you discuss future holidays with him and draw up a more formal agreement of the split during holidays....to be completely fair a 50/50 split would be the ideal then neither of you can feel aggrieved that you're not getting enough quality time. With set weeks already decided you can both forward plan for holidays away etc. Put some flexibility into it by agreeing that any changes can't be last minute and at least a months notice is needed, except in emergencies.
For this current conundrum, sticking to the 4 days is what you are most comfortable with, its a compromise but if you draw up a formal agreement for going forward and give him an equal share that should get it back on track.
You couldn't be more right, totally hit the nail on the head, it's so important the kids are put first, you've always got to think what's good for the kids and put your own feelings aside. Coming from one mother to another x
I see my daughter for approx 10 hours a week, no overnights, its heartbreaking. I am hoping mediation will help matters but I'm not holding my breath