DAD.info
Free online course for separated parents
Forum - Ask questions. Get answers.
Free online course for separated parents
DAD.info | Family | Relationships | Long term | Fighting fair: managing conflict without destroying your relationship

Fighting fair: managing conflict without destroying your relationship

mattz118

mattz118

Every couple argues. If anyone claims they ‘never argue’ then they’re lying, or living in a deeply unhealthy and ultimately doomed relationship. The important thing is to be able to resolve these disagreements in a constructive manner, without causing lasting damage to the way you feel about each other

Q: Happy couples shouldn’t be arguing in the first place should they?

A: Yes. It’s not whether you argue that matters, since you’re bound to disagree on some things, or just simply want to pick a fight from time to time, it’s your ability to recognise an argument for what it is, not allow it to erode your basic respect for one another, and move on afterwards that really count.

Q: Are personal attacks always a bad idea?

A: Yes. When the red mist descends, it may be difficult to resist getting personal, and, as the two people closest to each other you’ll know exactly which buttons to press. But it won’t work. It may give you a seconds grim satisfaction, but it’ll lead to an emotional escalation of the argument, resentment, and the likelihood that nothing else you say will be listened to even if you’ve actually got a pretty good point.

Q: Should you be one hundred per cent honest when arguing?

A: No. It may seem like ‘honesty’ to you when you trot out every resentment, fault and mistake that you can think of, but to the person on the receiving end it’ll just feel like out and out attack. And don’t think for a second that you won’t be getting exactly the same hurled right back at you. Ten things that make relationships work in the long term

Q: Aren’t there times when you should just stand your ground?

A: Even if you think you’re 100% correct, try to make the effort to look at things from your partner’s point of view. This may be difficult, particularly in the heat of temper, but remember that for the vast bulk of arguments you have there isn’t really a ‘right’ and ‘wrong’, just different points of view.

Q: Won’t it seem weak if you apologise first?

A: You’re a man, so, let’s be honest, you can sulk with the best of them. A sweeping generalisation maybe, but when it comes to brooding silently whilst emitting waves of discontent, the male of the species tends to be streets ahead. However, letting an argument fester and linger can make matters worse, turning a small dispute into something larger and more damaging, as the argument itself – how long it lasts, who started it – becomes the focus of dis-content. Take a deep breath, count to ten and apologise first. A lot of the time your partner will leap at the chance to patch things up.

Q: Isn’t it best to just keep at it until we’ve reached an agreement?

A: No matter how close you are, there will be a number of things on which you’ll never agree. It can be damaging to argue over and over again about a topic on which you both feel equally strongly and upon which you simply can’t give ground – whether it’s the major things like politics and religion, or your partner’s inability to comprehend your love of Norwegian Thrash Metal. Accept the differences between the two of you and the fact that they might actually make you stronger as a partnership.

Quick Tips: Don’t deliver ultimatums, resort to sarcasm, contempt or blame to express your anger, reject all attempts to make the peace.

Do Compromise – very few things are worth either of you being unhappy. Decide what you’re really arguing about – is it the state of the kitchen, or the bad day you had at work? 

 

Updated: Oct 2017

Related entries

She’s pregnant and seems to hate me!

She’s pregnant and seems to hate me!

So your wife is pregnant, and divorce is on the cards already? Do you feel you can't do anything right, she hates you and you think this is the end of the relationship? Rest assured, this is surprisingly common. Just google the words "my wife is pregnant and she hates...

15 Ways to fix your relationship

15 Ways to fix your relationship

Although we are all locked in together, we still need to find time and space to be ‘together’. The Coronavirus lockdown is testing all of us, forcing new relationships along at a faster pace or putting pressure on the cracks in old relationships. Domestic violence is...

Staying together for your kids

Staying together for your kids

Are Mummy and Daddy really happy?   In difficult news, a study carried out by Direct Line has revealed as many as 22% of parents stay in a relationship they’re no longer happy with, purely for the sake of their children. This is a sensitive and tricky subject and...

Latest entries

Life after divorce: legal tips for men

Life after divorce: legal tips for men

A divorce is one of the most life-changing events most people will experience, and isaccompanied by a lot of emotional, financial, domestic and legal considerations. Thinkingabout life after divorce may be exciting, or daunting, or a combination of both, but it is...

De-escalation: how to calm kids down before they explode!

De-escalation: how to calm kids down before they explode!

Did you think that tantrums and explosions would be left in toddlerhood? Sadly, they're not. While older kids and teens are less likely to throw themselves to the floor because you didn't buy them a lolly, they can still be just ask explosive. In a bid to quell those...

How to deal with tantrums

How to deal with tantrums

Tantrums are one of the most stressful parts of parenting. Even the calmest dad can be pushed to their limits by a screaming child in the middle of Asda! Here's some helpful information on how to deal with tantrums to help you manage those miserable meltdowns: Are...

Pin It on Pinterest