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The V Word

I sat in a classroom this week where a lady told me all about how a baby gets from ‘in there’ to ‘out here’. She made it sound very easy. After sitting in an antenatal class for 2 hours, ‘easy’ wouldn’t be the word I’d use to describe it. I’d go with ‘miraculous’, ‘hard work’, or ‘beautifully gross’.

We arrived at the clinic where the class was taking place several minutes early. I don’t really know why, but I felt panicky as soon as we walked in. There were a bunch of pregnant women (as you’d expect), wearing handwritten nametags (which I hadn’t expected) sat around in a semi-circle. The silence was only broken by a bubbly midwife doing her utmost to make the occasion as comfortable as possible, and encouraging us to fill out our own nametags.

I wasn’t sure if this was an appropriate occasion to design a decorative nametag? Or write a nickname? In the end I decided against both and wrote ‘SIMON’ in block capitals. I sat next to Faith not sure whether I should make eye contact with the people sitting around us. The session started with a ‘group activity’ and off we went talking about all sorts of things. I soon felt quite bonded to the handful of other men in the group. As the class progressed, it turned out none of us knew too much about how the baby gets out of there. I had been fearing a graphic video but it never came.

My only moment of real alarm came when the midwife kept saying ‘vagina’. Now don’t get me wrong, I am a mature person. It was in context and would have been absolutely fine if it weren’t for Faith nudging me every time she said it. I thought I was going to burst into laughter and make a real fool of myself, but the adult in me won out and I left the class with my dignity intact.

So now we feel just a little bit more educated on the subject of birth and I have learnt that I am much more mature than my wife. I think that next week I will feel more comfortable in the classroom and I might even mix it up with a nickname on my nametag…I could decorate it too…

This antenatal class is about to get crazy.

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