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11 year daughter not talking to me

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Hi. Thanks for listening. I have 3 children with 2 different mothers. 2 girls aged 11 and 8 - siblings and a son aged 4

i left the martial home in 2016 when my daughters were 6 and 2. 

my eldest daughter was my best friend we were inseparable. She at one point staying with me every other weekend and once per week

i had a petty disagreement with her just after Christmas. Involving me asking her to do something and her refusing. 
she asked her mum to go home and be collected. I haven’t heard from her since. Not by phone. Text or Face to face. It’s her birthday next week 12 and then the following week I was taking her to Harry Potter studio. I love all my kids and this has broken my heart. Her mother is not really doing to help either. I feel I have been alienated by the whole family. I pay CMS and do loads of fun things with them 

I feel lost. Please help. I have also signed up for the free parenting course 

Topic starter Posted : 23/01/2023 10:24 pm
Honorable Member

I'm sorry as that must be very painful for you.  I'm not an expert on children but owner if you can send her a text saying you're sorry there's been a misunderstanding and that you hope she still wants to go to the Harry Potter studio.  Its good that you're doing the parenting course and I hope that proves helpful.  She is growing up and its likely she'll begin to spend more time with friends at weekends but that shouldn't stop you having a relationship with her.  Maybe you could invite a friend along with her?

Posted : 24/01/2023 2:06 pm
Estimable Member Registered

Hello Mjw1978,

Thank you for sharing your post on here. I am sorry that this has happened to you, but want to say well done for signing up for a free parenting course. It can sometimes help to gain a new perspective on, how as parents, we can communicate better with our children, so I hope that you find it useful.

With regards to the incident you shared about concerning your eldest daughter, I would suggest that the time has passed now for you to be focusing on what caused the actual disagreement in the first place, and that it would be best to concentrate on building bridges with her again. 11/12 years of age can be a difficult time for a girl, as they hit puberty and become more aware of feelings and emotions that they can't always necessarily articulate or know how to control, so what can seem a petty argument to us, may be far more serious to them. 

The very fact that you have bothered to share your dilemma shows that you care, and want to re build the relationship with your daughter. Keep communication going with her, as we know our children sometimes do refuse to do as we ask, is there anyway that you could discuss what happened with your daughters Mum, so that she has then heard both sides of the story ? Encourage your daughter to respond to your contacts, saying that you would really like to see her and re engage with her because you love and care for her. Might writing a letter help? In it you can talk about the future and about wishing to begin again. Perhaps focus on things to look forward too  - like her birthday - for example.

Sometimes when our children refuse to do as we ask them, there can be underlying reasons as to why they are misbehaving or being uncooperative. It could be that she had had a bad day with family, school, feeling tired, over excitement of Christmas or was simply worried about something. 

I'm sure you will understand that being a parent isn't always easy, and sometimes we can be the most unpopular people, but your daughter will know you care and love her as you attempt to rebuild the relationship you had before this occurred. Don't be hard on yourself, these times will sort themselves out, keep spending time with your daughter, keep encouraging her and praising her efforts in school etc.

I wish you all the best and hope that you are able to be a great father/daughter partnership again soon.


Fegans Parent Support Volunteer



Posted : 26/01/2023 3:16 pm

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