Dad dot info
Free online course for separated parents
Forum - Ask questions. Get answers.
Free online course for separated parents
Notifications
Clear all

Recently widowed stepdad

 
WillingFather
(@willingfather)
New Member Registered

Hi everyone, new to the site and I could use some help. This may be a long story, not really sure how to even write it out but here goes.

My wife passed away on January 7th 2022,we had been married 6 years, together for 12 and living together as a family for 8. My wife had 3 kids, 17yo, 27 yo and a 29yo. The 17 year old turns 18 in February and still in high school. I have 4 kids but they aren't the topic here.

My step daughter's father has randomly been around for the past 12 years, he has never had a stable job, a stable home or a stable life, my wife let him see it daughter more for her than for him and I encouraged it. Her dad had some issues, bi-polar, history of drug use and a few others.

I have a great relationship with my stepdaughter and when her, my wife and I all got covid at the end of November, my wife was hospitalized 3 days later, the time my stepdaughter and I spent together during isolation only made us closer. Fast forward to January 7th,the day my wife passed. My 2 stepdaughters (17yo and 27yo),my step daughter in law and my father in law were all present when they removed my wife from the ventilator. The most difficult day of our lives! It broke my heart to have to watch my daughters lose their mom.

3 hours later, my 17yo and I are back home, neither of us saying much, still trying to process the day when my stepdaughters dad starts texting her, saying things like "now that your mom is gone, I'm going to come get you to live with me". My stepdaughter responded saying no, this is my home, this is where I want to live. He responded with a bunch of nasty texts ending with a guilt trip threatening to kill himself because she didn't love him. She blocked his texts for a few days until he had called down and she felt comfortable talking with him again.

I had a long conversation with her, asked her what she wanted and explained that I would support whatever decision she would make. She said that the doors not want to leave, she wants to stay with me, I have been her dad for the past 12 years and nothing has changed. I was relieved to say the least, the thought of her having to live with him, in a nasty travel trailer, with no stability just hurt me.

Just a little more history before I move on, last year the father sold some family property in another state for an unknown amount of money, this was property that was supposed to be passed on to the children. He immediately bought an expensive truck, an old travel retailer, a broken car for the 17yo (that 11 months later is still sitting broken in my yard) a broken car for the 27yo that is also still broken. Both cars were bought with promises that he would have them fixed. Now he is broke, working random under the table jobs and is trying to sell off stuff to survive.

Ok, moving on. I had a talk with the father on the Monday following my wife's passing about how he treated our daughter, let him know that it was selfish, ridiculous and would not be tolerated. He apologized, but I don't take anything he says seriously. Since all of that occurred, they have been talking randomly, she had seen him once because he needed siege to ship part for his truck.

Last night she showed me a text from him asking to borrow $20, (this is not the first time he had asked her to borrow money). she told me that she told him no, that she only had $79 to last until she gets paid in a week and a half. This morning I logged into my wife's checking account, I'm waiting on some things to clear before I can close it out. I saw my daughter's account below my wife's with a balance of $59 (they have a joint account) I checked and she sent him the money anyway. I'm not mad at my daughter, I'm upset that she lied to me about it, and I'm sure she did it cause he guilted her into it. I'm not sure how to approach this. Im concerned about contacting him because he will complain to her about it and I don't want to lose her confidence. I'm at a loss at this point. 

Quote
Topic starter Posted : 28/01/2022 12:58 pm
WillingFather
(@willingfather)
New Member Registered

..

ReplyQuote
Topic starter Posted : 28/01/2022 1:26 pm
Bill337
(@bill337)
Famed Member

hi,

I think you should overlook the fact that she borrows her dad money. He must be struggling a lot. Maybe it's not a good idea to contact him. he might think your interfering with his daughters relationship.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 28/01/2022 10:10 pm
WillingFather
(@willingfather)
New Member Registered

@bill337 thank you! 

ReplyQuote
Topic starter Posted : 28/01/2022 11:26 pm
Warhammer
(@warhammer)
Trusted Member Registered

Hello sorry for the loss of your wife and I’m sorry that you are now going through this. Your stepdaughter like you is grieving and you both need the  time to do this without the added worry and stress from her father. He may have hounded her or given her a sob story to make her give him the money. Did you tell he that you knew she had given him the money? She may have told him no more after this one time. I think you should let this one go and continue to support her through the loss of her mom. Kids do forgive and want to please people, especially a parent. As she grows she will see his faults for herself and realise it’s not normal for a father to behave like this, you are her role model and it sounds like you are doing a great job. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 01/02/2022 7:48 am
Warhammer
(@warhammer)
Trusted Member Registered

Hello sorry for the loss of your wife and I’m sorry that you are now going through this. Your stepdaughter like you is grieving and you both need the  time to do this without the added worry and stress from her father. He may have hounded her or given her a sob story to make her give him the money. Did you tell he that you knew she had given him the money? She may have told him no more after this one time. I think you should let this one go and continue to support her through the loss of her mom. Kids do forgive and want to please people, especially a parent. As she grows she will see his faults for herself and realise it’s not normal for a father to behave like this, you are her role model and it sounds like you are doing a great job. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 01/02/2022 7:48 am
Share:

Pin It on Pinterest