[Solved] Walking away
I'm looking for help in dealing with walking away from a child.
The amount of pain the mother has caused me is unbearable and I'm defeated. I just need to get away and heal from this traumatizing situation. I won't get into details here but I think anyone dealing with what I've had to go through would understand fully.
I need some sort of help on how to handle walking away.
I’ve done the same thing. Not sure how you feel but I didn’t feel like I had another option. My ex made it almost impossible ( 4 separate court proceedings in 4 years) then started manipulating my child against me and my wife . It’s really impacted my child who, over time, was drained and mentally harmed by it. I couldn’t put her through that . Plus, the mental impact it had on me and my family was enormous. Counselling. Antidepressants. I just couldn’t do it anymore.
It was important for me to keep some form of contact and I have JUST successfully obtained a indirect court order that allows me to send letters/ cards& gifts which specifically says must be read out and given to my child. Also says I must be kept updated with the address of my child. You’d think the ex would be happy she’s ‘ won’ and I’ve given up but ..no! She even fought me for the indirect order! 3 court hearings just to get me permission to send OUR child a birthday card! This is the type of women I’ve dealt with.
But after everything, yes it hurts that I know I won’t physically see my child now for many years , yes that breaks my heart but it’s been 6 months and it has got easier as I know in my heart it was the right thing for my situation. Hopefully. Ex will be less manipulative towards my child now and she’ll have a better life with less distress and being used as a weapon. The emotional harm my child was suffering was awful to see. Especially knowing I couldn’t do anything.
My mental health is improving, my relationship with my wife has improved ( ex really did cause us issues with her toxic behaviour) and I don’t have to deal with my ex at all! Which is absolutely bliss! No seeing her, begging her to allow me contact, no control or manipulation. It’s wonderful!
Not sure what you are looking for but that’s my story. My only advice would be to try and remain in indirect contact if possible, send everything recorded and keep copies. I’m hoping that one day, I get to explain my side of things abd my child will understand why I had no choice. I have also kept copies of text messages, court documents etc that prove how hard ex made it .
Hear if uou want to chat
Never give up on your child. God will find a way one day....
I know how you feel, I have been there too on a number of occasions. It does sometimes feel like there is no other option as everything seems to go the mothers way. But do not give up, you are the father to this child and I bet they don't want you to give up. Do it for them, they will appreciate hoe much you fought for them.
If it is getting too much, you should reach out to your family and friends and discuss it with them. Honestly, use this site, there are so many of us in the same boat as you. I have been in and out of court for the last two years, nothing to do with me, just my ex making things difficult. I did not see my two girls for nearly 8 months, no contact at all. I am now seeing them more regularly, picking them up from school and it will be increasing more soon. People on here have helped me so much, great advice and support is always available here. But please don't give up, I know it sometimes feels like the easy way, but your ex will want this and they will tell your child you gave up on them. You are their dad and they deserve you in their life.
I'm in exactly the same position right now, Col, your experience is exactly how I feel at the mo, I completely respect your decision fair play mate.
amazing words Ferfer
Col420, that is horrible and I really feel for you.
My partner and I have had a similar experience including abuse of us for having a child together. One of my children even said to their mum that they would love their brother and told us that mum responded by saying "what if he's ugly",
The abuse, control and hatred that we have experienced from the children's mum has in turn affected the children to the point where they are now saying they dont want to have contact with me. They have never said that before and have always had a great relationship with me.
Part of me wants to give in and let the children decide when they are older, but I must show them that I fought for them all the way against chronic alienation against us and other family members.
Yes, similar problems we had. My child with my ex was told not to play with my son ( the child I share with my wife) as he ‘ wasn’t family’ my ex told my child she wasn’t ‘ allowed to love him’ . I have been told by a 4 year old that ‘ my mummy says you don’t pay for me ‘ Even though I do! ... I could literally write 100’s of comments that repulse me to my core that my vicious ex has said. I fought against my ex for 5 years. Literally ( and no exaggeration) at every single thing. From being denied to know which school my child was being sent to ( I was refused any input even though I did request to choose together) to being denied my child to attend my wedding day even though I offered to leave my own wedding to drop my child off early at Morrison’s! Because this was the ex’s ‘ only way she’d even consider allowing her to go’ in the end she refused 2 days before my wedding. The ex told my child to tell my wife she wasn’t allowed to do her hair or tell her off. It caused so much heartbreak.
I wasn’t only putting myself through hell but also my wife and my son. It then started to affect my child with the ex. Constant belittling,manipulation after 5 years has a real affect on a 5 year old.
Covid then hit abd contact was stopped again for the 11th time. Even though, ex was allowing my child to stay overnight with family members. Apparently, it wasn’t ‘ safe’ for her to see me. That’s when I cracked. Just couldn’t do it anymore ... I walked away . Filed a c100 for a variation ( even though the court order had been broken anyway ) and then fought ex to get an indirect order to send cards etc...
I miss my child a lot . I always will but I do know I have done the right thing. I will be praying that one day I get the opportunity to tell my child what happened, show her the evidence abd hopefully have a relationship that isn’t manipulated by her mother.
Col, every single word resonates with me, I’m in my 8th year of dealing with what you have described.
It’s only recently I’ve considered throwing the towel in. I had my child tonight for a few hours and I’m shocked on how a year of her mums abuse has took its toll on her.
There is signs that she hasn’t turned my girl against me completely and I’m going to carry on the fight. I’m lucky I haven’t got a partner for my ex to destroy or other children like yourself and I completely respect you for making the decision you have, it must become of the hardest you’ve ever had to make.
I’m sorry to read you and your child have suffered similar to me and mine.
Yes, was the hardest decision I ever have or will have to make. I didn’t take it lightly and it took a long time to come to it as it literally broke my heart but the pain was just as bad seeing my child be emotionally harmed by her mother so severely and my son and my wife brought to tears on many occasions because of it. If tried to court route/ cafcass/ even social services. Provided evidence but because she’s ‘ the mother’ no one gave a shit.
I know I’ll be portrayed to be the dad who didn’t care and abandoned my child but I was that dad anyway ( in the ex opinion) being on my child’s life didn’t matter. I was still going to be slagged off no matter whether I saw my child daily or not at all as the problem wasn’t me or my child it was my ex’s jealousy and bitterness and until that changed ( which it hadn’t it 5 years and my god I prayed it would ) nothing would get better. I used to think that when the ex moved on and found someone that it would get better but it didn’t.
I left her and then met someone who makes me the happiest man alive. The ex can’t deal with it and would have continued to put my child through hell because of her jealousy .
Some people may think I’ve done the wrong thing. I know , for my situation, I’ve done the right thing and that’s all that matters to me. I’ve walked out my child’s life to give her some peace and a chance to have a half decent childhood. Not to be used as a weapon, manipulated, emotionally harmed, shouted at, made to feel torn between two parents or scared to show any happy emotion towards me because she knows how her mother reacts. What kind of childhood is that? What kind of father would I be to put my child through that? I’ve done this for my daughter, myself and my son and my wife . That’s it. Ultimately, there isn’t just the child that’s affected by a split family. There’s so many other factors and I had to make a decision for us all. I feel I made the right one.
As I’ve already said, I made sure I got indirect contact and so even if the mother doesn’t give my child the things I send, I’ll have recorded delivery I sent them. It’ll them fall on the mother’s head to tell my child why she’s withheld it all. Hopefully one day justice will prevail and me abd mu child can have a healthy and happy relationship without the pain and suffering caused by a toxic women.
I wish you all the best and I’ll keep a look out for your posts- I pray it’ll work out for you.
Top told my child to make her a birthday card and put in it “I love you most’ in it last night.
It seems our ex’s are cut from the same cloth.
It really is a matter of life and death if I walk away, it’s 3 times now top has been found in charge of children drunk asleep and on drugs, the latest episode has stemmed from the 3rd incident when ss and the police became involved. I know for a fact that my child will live an awful life of abuse and neglect if not end up dead.
I know 30 members of my family won’t see my child again. I’ve made the decision after reading that card that I am going to fight until I can fight no more.
Once I had removed the 2 weeks of hate installed into my poor kid last night did have many positives.
I’ve realised I can’t control what top does but I can control me doing my best to be there for my child and to have a strong head as my child is going to need me big time sooner or later. Kiddo has already sussed top doesn’t give her cards or presents I send her I’m sure it won’t be before long when the penny drops.
I’ve got a long road ahead and if I’m honest I’m dreading it, this time round I’ve made sure I’m not in a stressful full time job, I’m single and have no other stress n my life so I can fight without added stress.
I’m studying positive thinking and sticking my head into a couple of business which are doing well to keep my mind off things.
Now criminal courts are over I can concentrate on family court now. SS are pushing to vacate the next hearing and draw up an order before hand. I can’t see this happening and suspect it will go to a final contested hearing which I don’t mind tbf.
Top has made my sort of step child hate me and excluded me from her life I can’t let her do the same to our child.
Im dealing with it now. My child clearly has been turned against me and I fear she will eventually not want to talk to me at all. Im afraid this struggle will tear her apart.
But I cant walk away, until I am dead. But i dont judge others who do walk away. Better to have a living parent out of touch, than a dead or insane one.