Free online course for separated parents
Forum - Ask questions. Get answers.
Free online course for separated parents
Advice on CMS payme...
Clear all

Advice on CMS payments v personal arrangements

Active Member Registered

Howdy folks, 

I separated from my partner 7 years ago. Not being married and as her credit was so bad she wasn't allowed on mortgage, so she found. A nice flat via council. I have always paid Child maintenance which jas steadily gone up as my salary. Every year I get a statement from CMS saying I should he paying £x a month. This year that's around £574. With mortgage,bills and debt, £574 is an awful lot of money. We recently agreed I would pay £400 a month but anything else our daughter requires, for school like uniforms, extra classes etc we agreed we'd go 50/50.

We have reached the point where it seems I'm probably close to paying 574 a month anyway. Until recently, I would go yo my ex's at the weekend , see my daughter, and get fed plus as parents we then do things together. I appreciate I'm fortunate to see my daughter most weekends and as uts my exs flat, I abide by her rules, help out whenever. However, every now and then we fall out and with it being her flat I'm asked to leave which I do!

Anyway, the point is I have my daughter zero times during the week. Clearly at some point she has gone to CMS and explained we have an agreement which I stick to, always paying the £400 plus extras each month. I know this as annually I get a statement saying I should be paying £x a month.

However, I'd like to have my daughter at least once a night to myself. The ex will not allow this as year's ago, before our daughter was born, I did dabble in drugs, we both did. She stopped everything when she found out she was oregnant. Sadly, i still dabbled. So she has me over a barrell in that regard. 

So my question is how would I even go about requesting 50/50, also please bear in mind our daughters school is 10minyte walk from my exs and I don't have a car plus live 25mins away if driving.

So, if I was willing to be drug tested to prove I'm not taking anything, who would make the call I can have her x many days, where would I even begin.

Without throwing stones on purpose my ex has put on over 10 stone in weight, plus when I have stayed over, I've noticed her bad eating habits are being passed onto my daughter who is technically in the obese range she is 10, secondary school starts next year and it concerns me that is an obvious target for bullies. When I calmly approach the weight topic, the response is....."oh if you are going to he like this then you can leave now' so I can't make any headway. Yet one of the biggest killers is weight but I'm not allowed to talk about it, yet mum can bring up historic drug use.

I don't know what to do, as feel powerless, that she holds the control and clearly is able to build a right relationship with my daughter,  yet at weekends it's difficult to do this !

So, should I pay top dollar, inform CSA but that I'd want my daughter x many days of the week. , thereby reducing monthly payments but more importantly build my relationship with my daughter! Torn between the status quo or aim for my full entitlement of Ccess, knowing I don't have a car and getting to school would be longer days emg. Train etc.


Any help gratefully received and thanks for reading this far!



Topic starter Posted : 30/11/2023 8:22 pm
Illustrious Member


if your ex is not allowing child to stay over at your place, then you can try mediation. can book a MIAM appointment. costs about £100 can try suggest you book with a mediator that offers the free mediation vouchers scheme. if mediation fails you have option to apply to court. if you go through courts, you could seek 50/50. if they decide against it, then can see child every other weekend, fri-sun, half of holidays. and perhaps mid-week overnights, depending on child's age and if school runs are manageable.

Posted : 30/11/2023 10:53 pm
Active Member Registered

Thank you very much. Really appreciated as I feel trapped and dancing to her tune because, quite rightly at the time, I was in a binge sort of addiction however that was gears ago. But when I've tried to suggest staying over or having my daughter with myself she will bring up the drug issue from years ago. I have said I'd be happy to do whatever tests she wants me to do....but what I want to move away from, its not her rules anymore and if an independent mediator then makes the rules, which I comply with then its my understanding,  we either agree with the mediastor and any rules which they say we must follow, if she doesn't comply then ultimately any court would back up the mediators guidance and rules.


I did think about tenporarily withholding any maintenence but that also wouldn't be deemed appropriate and ultimately I guess any missing maintenance payments I would have to repay plus interest , so not a  good idea. Plus the ex does use the maintenance just on my daughter, so wouldn't help my cause. Despite me not approving of her frivolous spend on either; Teddy bears or McDonald's which again I don't approve of. But if I mention anything weight/ diet related I will be asked to leave. Yet I have genuine concerns...mum has gone from 12 stone ro 20+ stone and my daughter is getting larger but i havf to keeo schtum othewuae asked to leave!

Mediation is is then !! 


Cheers a lot, foljs

Topic starter Posted : 01/12/2023 12:28 am

Pin It on Pinterest