Hi,
Until recently I had a outstanding relationship with my ex partner when it comes to do with my children. My two kids are 11 and 10
Always paid my way in monthly payments directly since we spilt up, and my two children stay with me every 2 weeks at the weekend, Friday until Sunday evening, (they live 40miles away).
Then she met someone and things have started to change for the worse. First she asked me if I could pay more towards my two children. I upped the amount by £30 a month( not alot more money but I do have two other children. Four in total.)
Secondly, she stopped picking up the girls on the Sunday so I have done the picking up and dropping off. Again ok I will do that if it means seeing them.
Then a CMS big brown envelope turned up through the door to do a proper assessment and see how much I should pay her per month.
I have received the letter back and it is £46 less than what I pay now. Basically she thought she would get more, but now will get less.
Since that day, I haven't been able to have my kids stay over and contact is now becoming increasingly harder as my calls and texts to the kids aren't going through.
The kids have also started sending me messages where they don't want to come and stay with me etc.
But i read the texts and know they aren't from a 11 or 10 year old girls. (I'm not stupid).
Now tonight I have received a "reconsideration letter" from CMS where my ex partner is now saying I don't have them at all to stay. The case was worked out on 52/104 days a year. Which means they will drop the days down to Zero.
I just want to see and spend time with my children. I miss them dearly and its really getting to me. I don't know what to do!
They want evidence from me to show i am having them stay over. I want to have them but for the last month I've not been allowed to see them at all.
I still have my daughter birthday presents!
Does anyone have any advice on what to do next?
I just want regular contact with my girls! I'm assuming my ex is doing this purely for the money. She hurting me more than money ever with.
Kind regards
Macca
Hi,
Sorry to hear what your going through. It's so horrible if a parent is withholding children for financial gain. If nothing changes you have option to take legal route. But have to try mediation first.
I recommend circle mediation. They offer £500 of free mediation vouchers: https://www.circlemediation.co.uk/
presuming you don’t already have a court order in place. Prior to applying to the courts you are supposed to go to mediation, I’m not a believer that this ever works. You need to keep details of all communications with ex get things in writing. Do you have mutual friends who would try help you or the children's grandparents, would she respond? Or you could try a solicitor letter asking her to resume contact for benefit of children. Solicitor might even suggest saying to ‘ prevent court action being taken. Do you thing that would concern her and maybe make her think twice about stopping contact? You could even trying sending a letter/email to her yourself re resuming contact or leave me no option other than to apply to the courts for an child arrangement order. How do you think she would take this? You need to get a child arrangement in place, which can be done through courts or with help from a solicitor.
I’m no professional just someone who has been through 10 years of [censored] with my ex and had several court hearings, with some success.
Good feedback from @warhammer.
However much it bites you, grit your teeth and be civil and considered in your response.
Mediation is required before you can make a court application to the court.
You will need to seek a provider that can facilitate a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting, otherwise known as a MIAM. If mediation proves unsuccessful, the MIAM facilitator will provide a signed document that allows you to make an application to the court. Keep this document safe. The MIAM is a chargeable (albeit legal aid is available in certain circumstances) independent service. Typically, it costs between £90-£100 per person per session.
Proceeding down the court route can be a long drawn out process. While the courts appear to have cleared a lot of their Covid-19 backlog, you can expect to wait at least six to nine months for a court hearing in England, in some cases longer. The first hearing is normally only one-hour, whereby the presiding judge may seek the intervention of CAFCASS to carry out a report on the court's behalf, from which the findings are discussed at a follow-up hearing; e.g., in another four to six months' time.
If contact is becoming infrequent / irregular or the other parent seemingly making excuses in a bid to alienate you, speak with the school. Most schools have a wellbeing / welfare officer (or share one with another school). They can speak with your child and flag any wellbeing concerns, which could provide good (impartial) evidence should you need to consult with a legal professional re. access. If the other parent, for example, was deny a wellbeing / welfare officer speaking with your child, that wouldn't look good on the the obstructive parent.
As for the £46 deduction, the CMS base their annual calculations for child maintenance on the last fiscal / tax year. If your partner has, for example, made a claim to the CMS, even though you were paying or prepared to pay voluntarily, then there's an argument to say that you are just following the CMS' rules based on their application. You can of course make voluntary contributions to you ex-partner / the claimant, but that remains your prerogative.
You could try and reason with the other party and say that you will continue to support your child(ren), but you will pay the lower amount while the CMS claim is in place. Alas, you will simply be complying with their rules. Encourage your ex to drop the case with the CMS and you will happily pay her a £30 'without prejudice' uplift for all the time it's affordable. Also, try and agree on activities you can do with the child(ren); i.e., one takes them swimming, the other takes them to football, netball and/or gymnastics, etc., that way there's a common activity to point to (albeit CMS 'shared care' assessments are based on overnight contact, not activities) based on their enrolment / subscription. Whatever you do, don't allow yourself to be bullied. Explain that you are looking to take a conciliatory approach, which is in the best interest of the child(ren)'s welfare to ensure they have a happy relationship with both parents.
I hope this is of help.
Dear All,
Thank you so much for the sound advice and Support! Felt quite alone in all of this and its been uplifting to see such great responses in a time of need. Sometimes you feel alone but there are people in the same boat.
Really glad a Google search lead me to this forum.
Thank you each and everyone one of you.
I have emailed the schools as a start.
Will keep you updated.