Hello Fellow Dad's
Just reaching out for some advice in regard to what to do and who to contact in a situation where I feel my two children are being neglected.
Just to give a little backstory I separated with my ex around five years ago we share two children a boy and a girl ages 10 and 8. After our relationship ended and I got with my current partner about a year after separating from my ex things went downhill quickly. We had several small arguments around what we would do with the house with my ex prompting me to turn the house over to her (the kids and my ex live at my former address) now just to explain I would never have tried to displace her from the house as it was a stable and familiar environment for the children these conversations centered around the upcoming divorce and how the assets would be divided. At this point my ex gave several veiled threats about what she would do if I didn't comply and basically insinuated she would ruin me and prevent me from seeing the children "stating she knew how to play the game". At this point I didn't expect these threats to become reality I was seeing the children every week when not at work and me and the ex were relatively civil up until divorce matters were discussed. but that misconception soon came back to bite me.
Around Janurary 2021 I received an email from my ex with just the words "your not seeing the kids anymore don't contact us" essentially at this point I had a barrage of fake allegations levelled at me from rape and domestic violence towards my ex too allegations of beating the children and even allegations of a sexual nature in regard to my daughter. At this point my whole world came crashing down I was scared, depressed and fearful of what was to come even though I new all the allegations were false to see them all written down was one of the scariest things I have ever experienced.
What proceeded was a year of legal fighting which began with me having to go to the police station voluntarily to refute the allegations, then meetings with social services, solicitors (spending my life savings in the process) and CAFCAS followed it was a truly nightmarish scenario and being without my children for an entire year left me in a very dark place which I know some of you dad's will be able to identify with. Ultimately the reports came back in my favour with the children giving accounts that they loved me and missed me and stating they had never been mistreated and had no understanding of what mum was implying. Essentially I was granted a court order to have the children at mine every other weekend and for alternative weeks during the six weeks holiday this was after not having seen them for just short of a year.
Okay so with the backstory told here's the present day issues I'm dealing with, for the past year or so the children have been presented to me in a pretty dirty and grimy state. There clothes smell sometimes of cat urine (there mum has a cat who pees all over the house by all accounts) they are generally abit unkempt daughters hair not brushed and sometimes tangled my son the same. The children were also withdrew from school during my absence and are now home schooled (the level of education can only be descrived as basic at the very best)
Now we've for the most part overlooked most of this (I was just so glad to have them back) so when they arrive I clean them up change them into my clean clothes and on we go with our time. We also do our best to support the children's education with me trying my best to prepare age appropriate core lessons for them. But the other major issue is my son aged 8 when we had him back we have realised he's regressed in turns of soiling himself (never had any issues toilet wise previous to my absence) but now it is a regular occurrence again for the most part we've tried to educate him on being clean and was hoping with coaching the issue would rectify itself (it hasnt). Now just to be clear I don't have any contact at all with my ex and all handovers are handled between my current partner and my ex, my ex is very intimidating and my current partner is very quiet and is easily overawed by my ex. Any times my partner has spoken about any concerns she has pretty much been shouted down and intimidated and leaves with the issues all very much unresolved. I am reluctant to speak to her face to face as quiet frankly I know that she will try to get me done for harassment or intimidation myself so I know I have to deal with this in a sensible manner.
Now the question is how do I proceed if I feel my son possibly has developed a medical condition in regard to his soiling do I write a letter to my ex first stating we need to get this sorted or do I go to social services saying she isn't providing medical care to my son? Now just for full context my ex maintains that he is soiling because of the abuse I put the children through, she also states to my partner that she thinks the soiling will resolve itself... she maintains the abuse story even though it has been disproved. I guess in all honesty I'm scared of rocking the boat in case she puts more allegations against me or stops me seeing the children again.
What should I do who should I contact, what's your views.
Thankyou for reading and generally thankyou in advance for any advice.
hi,
there is good guidance here:
You could mention your concerns to your ex, without placing blame, and see if possible to work together on this issue.
Perhaps you could talk to the school? They will have someone in charge of pastoral care. If all else fails, then you will need to speak to social services. Perhaps they could see the children in school.
Hi TiptonDad25,
Thank you for sharing your post, it must have taken some typing, but a background to your current issue can really help give a clear picture of what's gone on.
I would encourage you to seek professional guidance and advice about the issues that you have stated: the neglect and the soiling issue with your son. Obviously I am typing this now a few weeks since you posted, but these matters are of some concern. If you are concerned that your children are not being cared for in a satisfactory matter, especially with their Mum being the main caregiver, then I really feel that you need to seek advice.
The children are the most important individuals in this and as they are now being home schooled, again, advice needs to be sought, if you are concerned that their level of education is not good enough.
With regards to your sons soiling, this must be distressing for all involved, especially your son. I would always try to reassure your son after this has happened that it's ok, and you're not cross with him. Have you ever asked him why he is doing this? I know it seems obvious, but through 1-1 time with your son and playing an activity that he enjoys, he may open up to you about how he is feeling and why he is soiling himself. He could be experiencing a multitude of different emotions, especially as the children live in a chaotic household some of the time, so keep gently asking and tell him you are there and ready to listen when he is ready to talk. This is not a matter that is going to solve itself overnight. You may have to take your son to see the GP for advice.
I think you are wise not to go and see your ex partner to discuss things, as it reads like you have had a difficult time with her since divorce proceedings, so you are wise not to antagonise things.I would say however, that your current partner is being very good in being the point of contact for your children between their homes. It can't be an easy thing to do, so please make sure you thank her and spend some time with her so she knows she is appreciated.
I wish you well, please let us know how things are going, sometimes its good to get things off your chest and seek advice.
Parent Support.