I have 2 children under 7 ( one not biologically mine) living with me monday to friday and staying at thier mum's sat and sun. Over the past few weeks they have become increasingly anxious about going to her, to the point were they cry when they realise it's time to go to mums. They describe her as horrible, and I do my best to distract them from such conversations between them. I am just getting worried that this will escalate and become too traumatic for the kids. I have no reason to believe that the kids are in any danger when away, they just seem to worry about being either away from me or being with the mum......I am thinking of seeking proffessional advice, maybe a child psychologist, because I dont want to handle this wrongly and cause possibly more distress......any advice???
Hi there
Can I ask, do you get on with the mum well enough to be able to talk to her about it? Perhaps when you drop them off, you could sit with the children and mum for an hour or so, have a cup of tea and chat, just to show the children that everything is ok. It would help you to gauge the situation too, and see how they are around Mum.
If you're worried you could speak to your GP about your concerns and see what they suggest.... It would be the GP that would have to make the referral to a psychologist anyway.
Best of luck.
Hi, thank you for replying.
Unfortunately the mum and I do not have the most amicable relationship, she has a lot of guilt surrounding the circumstances of me having the children ( childrens services were involved), and the little girl has a lot of issues with behaviour at school and home ( resulting from not bonding with her mum in her earlier years).
I have spoken to my gp previously regarding mental health, due to my little girl's behaviour. We have a timeline of till christmas to see if she settles at school.
Now that their visits to mum seem to be affecting both children I will make an appointment with my gp to express my concerns.
Hi there
I understand....my son has residency of his 5yr old son and the mum also has guilt issues because of this. Thankfully my Granson seems to be coping with this really well, he does sometimes express negative feelings about his weekend visits to his mum, but settles once he is there.
It sounds like you are doing all the right things in liasing with the school and GP and monitoring the situation. There are no quick fixes but with lots of love, patience and understanding I'm sure you will get there.
I sometimes wonder if insisting on parental contact even when it has broken down is the right thing to do....I think they dont take enough notice of what the children want... my Grandson was insistent that there had been physhical abuse, he would contisistently say he had been kicked in the head....but because he was only 4 at the time, they refused to take him seriously!
At least the children are with you and you are helping them deal with their traumatic past....children are tougher than we think! Good luck with everything.
may be an obvious point, but have you sat down with your children and spoken to them about what is worrying them, and get suggestions from them to what they think would make them feel safer and happier? If you give them some empowerment, it may make a big difference - talk through all of their worries, and given them options as to what they could do, or what they could say to your ex if they are worried.
When I was married I loved it. I was true to my vows and the best provider I could be. I wanted a perfect family.
Nowadays I do not like my ex-wife full stop. She had me arrested and wouldn't attend relate or later mediation or respond to solicitors. I lost the family business - it was a MESS.
Our three children live with me. If left unchecked she can go up to 10 days without contacting them. She even misses birthdays. She walked out 2 years ago and we were divorced earlier this year. I don't understand her one bit!
Here's the thing - I believe the children need BOTH parents.
My youngest (7) says she hates going to Mum's and that it is boring but I soon realised this was because she didn't have enough toys with her - so now she takes a backpack full.
My son (9) usually argues about going to see her and won't put shoes on, get in the car etc but afterwards he is glad he saw her and more recently has been staying overnight.
I always tell them she loves them and they are glad we don't argue anymore.
My eldest daughter (14) is just showing the signs of becoming a woman and often I take her on her own to Mum's to spend the day. She always tells me how they had a good day. At first she was unsure about spending time with her and her new boyfriend. I refused to accept what had happened and this was passed onto her.
I used to quiz her on what had happened and what the boyfriend had said but mostly he leaves them to it.
Now when I talk to their Mum I only discuss the children. I tell her their problems and acheivements at school. I ask her to help with homework or reading or tell her about dentists etc . I don't get drawn into long conversations. The children always give me long hugs in front of her and have slowly come to see these handovers as normal.
She never does the reading or homework but that is OK it is just a way of me dealing with these moments without getting too upset because it gauls me to the very core that this is nearest to normal as I can get.
I think my children are well balanced and happy. They have lots of friends and confidence but they are all overweight!
For my own sanity I have been to all the therapy and doctors I could get and I also asked about my childrens mental health. Mostly the response was the same..No..children are resilient and acceptant. They adapt and if you are good and reliable and they know they can count on you they will turn out just fine.
good luck man