Hi There,
I wonder if I can have a bit of advice please:
Background - My 3 children live with their mother in Surrey; my wife filed for divorce in early 2009, I moved out a few months later and we divorced in 2011. It's always been very difficult and to compound things I have spent more time out of work than in work due to mental health issues causing my career to come off the rails. This has made things very difficult for my ex-wife and of course the children. My ex-wife is still very bitter about the lack of financial stability she believes I left her in and I have some sympathy with this but I just can't do anything about it at the moment. Furthermore, she will not let me know her - and hence the children's - home address and has forbidden the children to tell me.
That said, I have pretty good relations with my eldest son who has just started at University.
My 16 year old son has cut off contact from me for the last 2 years - my ex-wife says he doesn't want to see or talk to me - I guess he's still very upset. He is doing well at school, though and music is his big passion.
My 12-year old daughter I have been very close at all times but has suddenly cut off all contact with me. The trigger for this was that I told my ex-wide I would buy a card for him but would not be buying a present due to a) his lack of contact I believe does not deserve to be rewarded and b) I just can't afford to buy him anything
My daughter - I'm sure influenced heavily by her Mother - has expressed her upset with me by text message and has since cut off all contact with me. This has lasted 2 months and she refuses to answer the phone or take my calls.
I have always brought the children up ensuring they thank everyone for birthday / Christmas presents / pocket money, whether by phone call or a text / note. Since separating, my wife has not continued this behaviour with my side of family - Aunts / Grandparents - and it hurts my family when they do not receive any thanks from my children.
My question to you - Am I beling too hard on my son by not buying him a birthday present or should I uphold my standards at all times?
Hi,
What standards?......
You've said yourself that you've hardly been able to assist the family with maintaining any measure of financial stability and security over the last few years.
You've also acknowledged that this financial pressure must have made things quite difficult for the ex and your kids.
In such a situation then (especially if as you say, it is due to unavoidable circumstances), then the one thing the kids should be able to rely on is your unconditional love and support.
If you then tell the child that you are not sending him a present (or at least a card) because he decided not to see you recently, then you are making your love conditional.
It then begs the question.....
What kind of standard and parenting example are you setting?
Of course I'm sending a card, that's a given. I'll have to send it via the school though.
The example I'm attempting to set is that children need to appreciate what they're given; that's the way they were raised.
I'd be trying to build a relationship with your Children rather than sending cards and laying down the law from afar, seems very strange to me.