Hi, struggling Dad here! I have 3 children aged 4,13 and 16. 13 is my daughter, other two sons. My 4 year old is from a different mum so I have 2 ex, only married once. I have partner and we’ve been together for nearly 20 months. She has two children, 20 years old non identical twins. In general we get on, but we had a blended holiday and it’s opened cracks that didn’t realise we’re there. It’s seems my 4 year old is the pain! My partner and I had argued and she said he was a 4 year old little s*it so I retaliated and said that her children weren’t exactly role models and pointed out issue too. I then got pushed.
One night I allowed my 13 and 16 year to go out with my partner and her children whilst I stayed with my 4 year old and let him have an early night. I received updated photos which was nice and was told they wouldn’t be out late. They went at 7:30pm. At 11pm, I phoned to check where they were and coming back to the hotel soon. She asked if they should come back and I said yes, although they didn’t want too. This was clearly evident when they arrived. My partner felt i didn’t trust her and I said i do, but if you were stating longer, perhaps you could have messaged or called and said, they are enjoying the band, so we will stay out longer. Am I wrong? Did I over react?
when they came back, my partner just fist pumped me and went back to her kids at the bar! And we are staying in separate appt too, so my partner is with her daughter due her splitting from her boyfriend just before the holiday.
it’s clearly shows we think differently, and my 4 year old is a problem for her! And maybe our relationship isnt as strong as I thought!
has anyone else experienced this? I am struggling on what is right and wrong! With my age difference, it hard to give all my kids the attention they deserve…any help? We do do things together too, but you can tell, the older Ones want something different at times. I am stressed and constant headaches over this . We still have 4 days to go on holiday!
Thank you
Hi,
Hope your well. I Don't have experience of this. But there is useful advice here:
https://www.onwardapp.com/blog/blending-family-issues
https://www.lovetoknow.com/parenting/parenthood/blended-family-problems
Hello alf10,
Thanks for sharing on the forum. From reading your post, I think you are experiencing some perfectly normal aspects of being part of a blended family. Having a holiday is possibly one of the most stressful times as a blended family, because you want it to be such a happy and perfect time, and sometimes as with non blended families it is far from perfect!
I would also glean from reading this that your partner was ready for a break and perhaps just wanted some time out to relax and be with her children.
As they are so much older than yours, perhaps next time both of you could come up with some kind of informal timetable and boundaries of things like bedtimes for the younger ones and an agreement that if the other partner goes out with the older kids they let you know where they are and that they are ok.
I feel you are being hard on yourself. It’s your holiday too, so you are perfectly right to flag up your concerns. I think that once you are home and back in familiar surroundings and routines, a chat about what was good and not so good is in order. Ask your partner why she thought your four year old was showing challenging behaviour, but also say that what she called your son was actually upsetting to you and inappropriate. He is four, and having lots of older siblings and step siblings around could be too much for him sometimes. I would recommend spending some 1-1 time with your youngest especially, to re establish the bond you have, and to also perhaps do something with each others older siblings showing that both of you are committed to one another’s families.
I hope the rest of your holiday went ok and that your headaches have lessened. If they haven’t I would recommend a GP visit who may be able to refer you for some counselling either together or separately, so you can talk through the issues.
Try not to let one family holiday be a catalyst for a break up. Praise yourselves that you got through it and came out of the other side.
I wish you all well.
kind regards,
Parent Support Team