Ex partner with unborn child not allowing me to scans, birth or 50/50
So I was seeing a girl for 4 weeks when I then decided it wasn’t working out and told her we should leave it there and not see each other anymore, she then told me she was pregnant. (I didn’t take it well and thought she was lying ) so it was a massive shock and I defiantly didn’t like the thought of it for the first week and was in denial and shock, after that i was fine.
My ex then decided to go all crazy becuase I didn’t want to be with her regardless if her being pregnant and then wanted to get back with my ex partner that I was with before seeing her, she ended up blocking my number until the 8 week scan and told me 11pm the night before the 8 week scan the time and I still made it 8am the next day. After the scan We had a argument outside the hospital and she was very controlling and seemed upset/angry and jealous that I wasn’t with her, she then continued arguing over text dictating to me when I would see our baby and the school, GP, namings etc and wasn’t taking anything else as an option. I just wanted 50/50 with alternative weekends and weekdays and she wasn’t having none of it. I then left it a day replied again being nice stating the things we didn’t agree on and said we should discuss them, she replied that I no longer will have any involvement until the child is born. As you can imagine this was horrible for me and I’m so depressed about it and feel out of control, so I instructed solicitors.
We sent a letter stating I want full involvement and want to go to mediation to sort out issues.
She replied with her own solicitors and has lied to them and said I was ‘threatening and intimidating’ which is ridiculous and has stated she won’t be attending mediation until after the child’s birth as it’s premature and she doesn’t want me at any of the scans, appointments etc and I’m also not allowed to be at the birth. I then assume I won’t have a say in our babies name either. She has said she will put me on the birth certificate but will discuss this at a later date, so I’m not very hopeful of that. She then has said she will send scan pictures in the post, she sent me a picture then told me she would post, 20 minutes later she said roads were too busy so instead of posting it I will have to come and collect it from her house, which is strange if she feels I am intimidating and threatening.
so my worries are:
1. - she has said she will breast feed (out of spite) so I can’t have the child as a new born. What will happen with this?
2. - Will I be able to name our baby?
3. - Will I get 50/50?
4. - How long will it take to get her in mediation then court after the birth?
5. - Can I really not go to the birth?
I feel so useless and out of control, I can’t believe it’s 2021 and we as fathers have no control over any of this, equality is crucial. The is dictating everything to me and bullying me because she knows I can’t do anything.
sorry to hear your going through a tough time. I can relate to this as I went through court involving a new born.
1. breastfeeding is not a valid excuse to keep child away from you. court ordered my ex to give me a private room at her place, for me to see baby.
2. she may decide to name the baby without involving you. if you want to fight that, then you would have to argue about that in court. In my opinion its not worth the hassle and stress.
3. It's very unlikely court will give you 50/50 for a new born child, but you can still ask for it.
4. You can wait for child to be born, then book a MIAM mediation appointment for yourself. mediator will decide whether or not to invite her for talks. if they don't invite, they will give you permission to apply to court.
5. If she does not want you to be present at the birth, it is better that you not go. better not to make a scene there, where police could likely be called.
hi there thanks for the reply, it’s been like a emotional rollercoaster ride so far.
Although having to see my baby in the mother’s house isn’t ideal it’s great to know I will at least be able to have my own time with the baby.
Is there any certain age where 50/50 access is more recommended do you know?
I have got mediation booked for this week to speak with someone on how to move forwarded so hopefully that will be helpful.
Your right it would not be good to just turn up although it’s devastating to think I won’t be able to be at the birth of my first child, i think it will destroy me but that’s. A decision that is on her not me I suppose, completely out of my control, just a shame that it has to be like this.
i didn’t know that although she has stated to my solicitors she will put me on the birth certificate so that is very strange I can’t be 100% sure but I believe I’m going to request to get a DNA test to be sure.
Have a look at the www.gov.uk website for registering a birth and it explains the procedure for unmarried parents. You can both go together, you can sign a statutory declaration of parentage and she can take this with her or there can be a court order giving the father parental responsibility which has to be taken.
@bill337 hey man I feel your pain , I’ve just been going through this BS myself, not a nice taste in your mouth , I’ve been seeing this girl for 10 years we’ve never been together or been a couple , it more like friends with benefits that went on too long. So she got pregnant in June 2022,I haven’t spoken to her since then she messaged me on September 19 2022 saying she’s pregnant by me and she’s 14 weeks knowing full well I haven’t spoken to her in 3 months since June , so I was sceptical due me haven’t spoken to her in 3 months so I thought she was lying , so I told her I had the snip to figure out if she was lying or trying to fool me , so it turns out she was actually pregnant, so anyway I wasn’t open to being dad due to our past situation we wasn’t consistent we always Argued so I thought having a kid together wasn’t the right decision it was cause drama and headache something I didn’t want to deal due to me not like drama and arguing with people constantly, so anyway I had some time to think on the situation and my head came round to idea of being a dad , so I tried to be civil with the situation, I’ve asked her to come to the scans with her before the baby was born so it would be easy for me to accept fact I’m going to be a dad and make sure I’m there for everything so I can start bonding with the kid before it’s here , she refuses and denied me coming to the scans took her friends and her mom instead , I offered to take her shopping to buy baby clothes and stuff for the kid straight up refused me , we kept arguing through last remaining months of her pregnancy, from December 20 2022 she cut off all communication with me blocked me on all platforms, didn’t message me till she given birth march 9 2023 , didn’t even invited me to the hospital whilst she was in labour, went on to name the kid herself without involved me I had to find out what baby look like from Instagram didn’t even had the decency to send me pics everyone know what that kid looked like before I did , never been so hurt in my life those are the things I really wanted to experience being a dad for the first time and she took that away from me and denied me all that and expects me to be normal and start playing daddy this whole situation have completely put me off being a dad just put a nasty taste in my mouth and pushed me away from wanting to have any relationship with that child especially if I’m not the birth certificate she can switch at any time and say your not seeing the kid , I was still open minded to meeting the kid. So we agreed to for me to come hers to see the kid for the first time march 14 2023 at 18:00 , but I told her I’ve got a doctors appointment before for some checks up she I don’t know how long they will take , so I message her 2 hours before and told her I’m going to be half hour late due to the traffic, she turn around and said don’t bother coming if you can’t make it on time I’ve made plans now , I was like really only half hour late what difference is that what plans are more important than that child meeting her dad for the first time , I was arguing with her on the way to hers whilst driving ending up having a massive accident that day didn’t even ending getting to meet the kid , she did not care one bit not even asked if i was okay, all my family and friends told me to just cut her off and cut my losses with that , no matter I do it will never be good enough for her , all to do with that fact I hurt when I told her I had the snip when she first told me was pregnant keep holding over my head constantly making me feel bad for one mistake I made
So first things first, not being in a relationship with this woman is going to be the most important thing you can do.
Keep all communication to Whatsapp where you can to avoid any accusations of being threatening or anything.
Personally, naming a child is such an awkward one if you're not together, even with my ex wife we were the happiest couple you could imagine when we were having our girls and I basically had zero say in finding out the [censored] and naming them it's just something you're going to have to write off but suggesting if she names your child could you put the middle name in seems a decent compromise to offer.
If I was in your shoes I would try to establish a relationship with her parents, not to point out her flaws to them but to kind of say, look this has happened, I want you to know I'm wanting to be involved as much as possible, but without taking over completely, she doesn't want me at the birth and i get that, but here's my number if you could keep in touch with me a bit throughout that day and i'll make sure i'm in a nearby cafe or pub (orange juice of course) When me and my ex wife split up, the good relationship i had with all my in laws really helped while we established the new normal, to a degree anyway. They'll appreciate that and it may even provide an extra avenue into seeing your new born more than you may have done.
Elephant in the room, is it yours? It's a horrible thought but probably best nip that one in the bud on day one and have it found out either way just to be sure.
Use this time to prepare for having to fight to see your child, but also do your best to get to a stage where you don't have to. This next few months is going to be hard for her too, she'll need your help more than she realises right now and if the penny does drop for her it'll be better for all three of you if you two have an amicable relationship at least.