Hi,
This seems to be a new take on an old theme. Abusive parenting.
I have a 12 yo daughter who is having a hard time getting along with her mother. To her point, her mother is pretty strict. She is a stay at home mom and uses timers to ensure my daughter is not on her phone too long, has been criticle of her friends on many occasions, says she thinks she's leading a boy on who my daughter calls her "boyfriend", calls her two faced, idiot, and [censored] on occasion.
In addition, after one particularly rough fight between them she told me that she wished my daughter was never born.
I've tried reasoning with my wife, explaining how the things she does and the words she uses when fighting are not helpful and only act to make matters worse. However, it seems like when she gets to the point of fighting, all of our discussions about how to handle them gets forgotten and she falls back on being abusive.
I've forgiven her in the past, but I'm at my end now as my daughter recently threatened suicide because of one of their recent fights. I told my wife that this type of fighting ends now and that if she cannot accept or change her approach to these fights then I cannot have her living in my house any longer.
Has anyone else experienced this? Normally you hear it's the father who's like this, not the mother. I feel like I need to protect my daughter from her, which only angers my wife further as she feels I'm not defending her. Because of this our marriage is in jeapordy. My wife does not want to get therapy and even after all of our discussions about her abusive nature, does not think she's to blame for any of the fighting - she blames my daughter, her friends, and me.
So I'm ready to leave her, but wanted to see if anyone else has been in this position.
Hi there
Its a difficult situation, especially if your wife wont agree to seek help for her anger issues. In my opinion, childrens well being and safety must be the priority. Your daughter is probably a typical almost teenager and there will be arguements, but theres no excuse for abusive behaviour.
Have you spoken to the school to get some pastoral support for your daughter, someone she can speak to about her worries. Even if your wife wont seek help, you can ask for it for your daughter. Talking about suicide is serious and not something I would want to leave, so it might be helpful for your daughter to speak to the GP about how she’s feeling too.
If the situation is serious enough, the school might want to involve Social Services. Theres a lot to think about.
Your daughter might also benefit from talking to someone, heres a link to NYAS who will support and advise her, you can speak to them too
www.nyas.net
All the best
Thank you Mojo.
I did set up an appointment with a counselor for my daughter, which start tomorrow. She's on summer break right now and home with her mother.
After the last incident I worked from home (thankfully it's an option for me) so I could be there to referee. My wife ended up apologizing and saying she'd stop, both my daughter and I forgave her and we had a pretty good weekend together. However, I'm very skeptical that this will happen again.
I'm back in the office today to give them time to reconnect without me, but I have to say part of me feels I'm going to have to intervene again relatively soon, if not today.
If that happens, I feel that I have to kick my wife out of the house to help with my daughter's emotional health.
Again, she meets with the counselor tomorrow and I'm hopeful that will give her another adult she can trust.
If you have any other advice you want to share, I'm all ears.
Thank you!
Really it's about monitoring the situation and being ready to intervene where necessary. Hopefully the counsellor will help your daughter... and give your wife some food for thought.
Try and keep the door to couples counselling open and let your wife know it's always on the table. Be open with her and share your fears that is she reverts back to form a separation is firmly on the cards, it may encourage her to rethink about counselling...
All the best