Hi all,
Let me just say, I'm not entirely comfortable talking about my feelings/problems, I am the sort of guy who bottles everything up, puts on a brave face and gets on with things. However, since having my daughter 6 months ago this has completely changed, I don't think I have ever cried so much in my entire life. Anyhow, I'm desperate for advice, comfort, constructive criticism.... ANYTHING!!!!
So it all started 6 months ago when my daughter (Chloe) was born, delivery was a horrible ordeal, Chloe didn't breath for 6 minutes after coming out and was put into special care unit to which she stayed for 7 days, not only that but my partner was rushed into theater where she was given 2 blood transfusions. I want to be totally honest as that is the only way I'm going to get any helpful advice, I held a lot of resentment towards Chloe for in my eyes endangering my partner's life and I found it impossible to bond with her, I didn't hold her till the day she was released from special care and even then I felt totally uncomfortable and felt I wasn't ready.
When we took her home, I guess I know I didn't do enough for her (in the emotional sense) I would make her bottles, do our washing, keep our home neat and tidy but I couldn't hold Chloe when she was screaming as I got frustrated to the extent I had to put her down within seconds. So obviously Chloe became more attached to my partner as I was at work during the day and when I came back I wouldn't hold her. Now I don't know if this is because of laziness or something to do with the resentment I held for her but mine and Chloe's relationship got worse to the extent she wouldn't let me feed her, change her, dress her even talk to her!
I knew it was my fault, I knew I hadn't done enough for her but I didn't understand why she would act that way towards me when she let other people do all of those things, I took it very personally but tried to make the effort with her but every time she screamed because I was interacting with her it made me feel worse and worse. I felt like a [censored] dad, I took it out on my partner, we argued about mine and Chloe's relationship every single day and everyday Chloe became that little bit worse towards me.
In the end, the arguing between me and my partner put us on rocky grounds, we ended breaking up about 5 times in the past of 2 months. During one of the last break ups I didn't see Chloe for a few days, when we saw each other I got the biggest grin from her, and the cutest giggle, it just warmed my heart as I very rarely got these before, that was 2 months ago, since then our relationship had seemed to get a lot better, but the last couple of weeks things have started to go down hill again, she would cry when I change her, and then this evening I was downstairs with Chloe and my partner was upstairs reading and she wouldn't let me hold her, so I put her on the floor and she stopped crying, so I got on the floor with her and I started playing with her toys around her, she interacted with the toys then looked up at me and started crying again. So I got up, left her to it and she stopped crying, so I tried again and the same thing happened, she was screaming because she didn't want me to interact with her, she wanted my partner.
I have broken down this evening, I don't want things to go back to how they were, I liked having a relationship with my daughter and I loved the fact we were getting the bond that we didn't have four months ago. I don't want to lose my partner because of this either, when mine and Chloe's relationship is good mine and my partner's is perfect. We have been in love with each other since the day we met we could be the perfect family, I just need mine and my daughter's relationship to be how it was 2 months ago!
Hi Joe, and welcome on here.
You've got yourself into a vicious circle really, and because Chloe is picking up on your feelings, and probably nervousness that if you're around her she's going to cry, then she isn't feeling so safe around you.
It may be an obvious question, but have you spoken to your partner about how you feel - it seems to me that she could help you both grow towards each other by encouraging Chloe around you (I'm not laying any blame at all on your partner, it's simply that she may not realise what the problem is)
I will also ask Relate to pop on and give some advice - you all obviously want the relationship to work which is a very good basis for moving forward.
Joe, it seems as if your life has been turned upside down by what has happened to you, your partner and Chloe. It’s no wonder you are feeling the way you are. When becoming a parent for the first time we all have different expectations on how it should be and what it will be like. It seems from what you are saying, yours is somewhat different in reality, but also some of the feelings you have towards Chloe are also quite normal under normal circumstances. The mother/baby relationship is a special one and dads can sometimes feel left out in the cold. The bond babies have with their mother is a strong one, and since you haven’t been around much, you need to keep thinking positively about how you can build that bond with Chloe. Chloe may feeling that the inconsistency of you not being there, plus you and your partner not getting along, has associated you with some bad feelings for her. This will change over time and there are a couple of things you can do today. When it comes to playing together with Chloe, or changing her, rather than being on your own with her, ask your partner to join in. Chloe will slowly associate that you being around with her mum is OK and that it is fun to play together as a family. Once Chloe is comfortable with you being around, she will warm to you. However, if you are feeling anxious towards Chloe, she will pick this up, as babies can be very sensitive to people’s feelings towards them. So think positive thoughts and feel excited when you are with her. This might be difficult to do at first, but if you love Chloe for who she is (a six month old baby new to the strange world around her), it will become easier. A good book that might help with understanding Chloe is ‘Raising Girls’. This book talks about raising girls from 1 year to 16, so covers quite a lot over a long period.
As mentioned by actd, if you have in the past bottled up your feelings, you need to start to talk about how you feel about Chloe to your partner. If you have talked to her, keep up the conversation about how you feel about Chloe and how your partner might be feeling towards you as well. It can be really difficult to open up, but try to find some space to talk when it is quiet. It can be difficult as both of you might be tired, but it only needs to be 20 minutes or so, just once a week, more if possible. When you have found some space, try to talk about how you are feeling and listen to what your partner might be feeling, too. A good book that might help is 'Babyshock' . This book looks at ways to explore how you and your partner can work together now you are parents and give you a way forward as a couple. If you are still struggling with your feelings towards Chloe, try talking to someone at Relate. Relate is not just about couple relationships but about any relationship, even the one you have with Chloe. As for the books, you should be able to get both of these books from your local library as well.
I hope you are able find those positive feelings between you and Chloe. They are there. Just try not to give up too soon, and don’t blame yourself for the way Chloe is feeling or acting.
If you need some more advice, please post a response back or contact Relate on 0300 100 1234.
Whatever you decide, take care of yourself.
Andi
Hi and thank you for your replies.
I am literally at the end of my tether, in the past I understood why Chloe was feeling the way she did towards me.
Before when she screamed I would get extremely frustrated with her because I knew if it was her mother who was interacting with her she would be full of smiles ect, and the more this happened the more frustrated and negative I felt towards my daughter which obviously made Chloe feel unsafe around me and therefore the less I could do, I understand that completely.
However, I now don't understand what I have done to make her feel the same as she once did, things have been great the last couple of months and only in the last two weeks has her behavior changed towards me but as far as I can remember nothing has happened that could trigger the change.
I am trying my best to remain positive with her, not to get frustrated with her as I am aware she picks up on those sorts of things but Its so hard to keep up when I can't see any positive changes in her behavior but I can see plenty of negatives!
I have spoken to my partner about this a lot, but neither of us have any idea on how to make things better, we've tried everything we can think of, we've tried playing with her together, my partner will do something and get a giggle fit and I will do the same thing and get screams and tears and because of this It brings tension on my partner and I's relationship.
We have spoken to our health visitor who bless her blames it on teething ect, no matter how much I try and explain that its me she wont accept it.
The only thing that has proven to work is to give Chloe a few days space but that to me isn't an acceptable solution to our problem.
I should also add the last few days we have been in a new surrounding as we are house sitting for someone, since being here Chloe's behavior has changed. At our home she only had a problem with me dressing her, here I can't do anything with her.
I don't know if the two things are connected, just thought I would throw that information out there.
Again, really appreciate the feedback, would be even better to know that there are other dad's out there that are going through the same as me and my daughter and if so would I'd really like to chat with you!
Regards,
Joe
Joe, some of what you are saying it might explain Chloe’s change in behaviour. The move and disruption is one of the things that can make her behaviour change. However, I am also wondering if you have changed your physical appearance as well? Have you grown a beard/moustache or shaved one off, changed your haircut or something else? This can disrupt a child’s view of who their parent is and think you are a stranger. The other side is when I have seen parent’s whose child is at this age there is a change in behaviour towards strangers. You might not want to hear this, but the only thing you can do at the moment is to ride this out. Chloe will come around, as long as you and your partner are there for each other and for Chloe. It might take a bit of time for her to build her trust in you, but she will eventually get there. Allow Chloe to make the decisions by herself and you'll find that she is happy to accept your relationship with her if it is not forced on her too quickly. By the second half of the first year, she will start to figure out who her parents are, as you will hopefully be seeing her each day, and eventually she become close to you. It’s quite natural that separations at an early age can be easier but from 6 to 7 months babies can become a little rocky in how they behaviour around people and she may have a few tears. As she gets used to you, she will grow closer to you.
If this goes on for more the 8 weeks, you can consult your local doctor (GP) who can refer you onto a child specialist. But give it a bit more time for all of you to settle into a routine, your new surroundings and being a family.
Hi Andi,
Its funny, I didn't even think about that, as we are house sitting I haven't trimmed my beard, Its around 3x the length it usually is.
Although I've completely shaved my beard recently and my daughter didn't change her behavior towards me, but I can hazard a guess that due to being in different surroundings Chloe may be a little more sensitive to small physical changes?
Chloe has always been great with strangers, you get the odd occasion in the street where a passerby says hello to her and she screams but its not often.
I know if I give it a few months Chloe will start to warm to me, but its so hard to see the look on my daughter's face every time I hold her, its like a look of complete and utter fear and I know I'm the cause of that, I feel guilty for picking her up. The more it happens the more guilt and frustration I feel, the more I start to loose the bond I have built over the last two month
Let me also just point out, I don't feel frustrated when Chloe cries normally (e.g. when she is tired, hungry, wants attention) I can deal with that cry for hours on end (slight exaggeration ;))
Do you have any advice on how to remain positive/calm whilst Chloe is screaming?
Joe, it can be very difficult to deal with a crying child in any circumstances. If you feel OK with her when she is crying ‘normally’, it sounds like the difference is the way she looks at you that is affecting you. I wonder what would happen if you started to laugh when she cried? I know this sounds rather contrary to what you should do, but it sometimes works. As for you, I would try not to pressure yourself in thinking Chloe is going to change overnight. Try to relax and be yourself. Step back and thinking about when she has smiled at you. Think of the good times you have had together. Step outside if she is crying too much and breathe deeply and think of the good times. Come back in again when she has calmed down. Your partner needs to smile and laugh too. Even try a family group hug. Stay positive about it. When you need to calm down find somewhere quiet where you can be on your own and comfortable; take deep breathes (for about 3 minutes and then gentle breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth) and visualise a calm place where you would feel relaxed, where you would all feel relaxed and are able to enjoy yourselves. Do this for about 10 to 20 minutes until you are calm.
Another option is to ask your parents what you were like when you were that age. You may be surprised that you might have been like this, too. Your partner might have been like this as well.
Try not to beat yourself up about this. It will get better. 🙂
Its not just the look she gives me its the difference in the cry/scream.
I've tried smiling/baby talking to her but this doesn't change anything, I'd feel bad laughing at her when she is obviously in so much distress.
My concern that day by day she worsens towards me, she doesn't get better, I never saw an improvement before when this happened and I'm worried the same is going to happen again which is why I feel so negative about it all, I don't want her to get worse with me, because as she gets worse I get worse and its a vicious circle thats hard to get out of!!
I know my partner wasn't like this when she was Chloe's age, however I'm not sure how I was
Okay so I thought Id give an update.
My daughter and I got much better, she allowed me to bond with her in a way I saw impossible 9 months ago.
Recently however me and my partner split up again, seems pretty final, CSA have been involved and most contact with my ex has stopped.
Since I moved out mine and my daughter's relationship has gotten worse again. She doesn't feel comfortable with me when I see her, she'll cry and winge if shes in my arms and seems extremely nervous when I try to engange in play time with her.
Obviously I can see that where I've gone from being there every morning to seeing her once a week has made this change happen, due to work and living arrangements once a week is all I can manage at the moment. I saw my daughter with my ex last week to discuss contact arrangements ect and my daughter was completely different with me she, played with me, laughed with me, spoke with me and she even gave me my first proper hug!!!
I want her to be like this with me all the time, I want my relationship with my daughter back, any advice on ways to do this?