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[Solved] Struggling - need some words of sage advice from someone!

 
Anonymous
 Anonymous
(@Anonymous)

Hello

This is my first visit and I'm not sure where to post. Sorry if its in the wrong place.

I have one simple question. Does anybody else out there have a great job, lovely wife, 4 good kids (aged 1 to 9), but is really struggling with not losing your temper with them all the time?

I feel a fraud given that i have so much, but I seem to always shout at my kids. They drive me up the wall by not listening and it just pushes buttons in me that I cannot control. Today I drove my 9 year old to genuine tears of despair with my shouting at him, that in hindsitght was really over the top for what he actually did. I feel bad and out of control.

help - is it just me? 😕

Quote
Posted : 11/01/2010 3:02 am
j_c
 j_c
(@j_c)
Trusted Member Registered

Hey there,

No mate it's definitely not just you. I think all parents feel the same at times. Sometimes we all need time to sit back and reflect upon our parenting. Kids continually surprise you and that's the beauty of having children! You can always expect them to not listen, to embarrass you in public, to fall over etc. etc. I've heard some parenting programmes are a good way of meeting other parents, sharing ideas and thinking about other ways to do things. Strengthening families, strengthening communities is one programme. You could ask at your local Children's Centre (as you have kids under 5). Sometimes in some areas they do dad-only groups. I haven't done one myself but I work with people who run them. Failing that, it's always good to talk to other friends and relatives. Any of your friends have kids?

Cheers,
jc

ReplyQuote
Posted : 11/01/2010 3:49 am
jimjamsdad
(@jimjamsdad)
Estimable Member Registered

Hello pal, it's not just you as jc says,I find myself shouting sometimes at my 2yr old as he can be so naughty and pushes my buttons-quite often after I will give him a cuddle and say Daddy is just a grouch isn't he.

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Posted : 11/01/2010 2:54 pm
Anonymous
 Anonymous
(@Anonymous)

Thanks all - at least its not just me.... Are either of you stricter on your oldest (9 vs 7,4,and 1) compared to the others? I know I'm harder on him, but I expect more. Do you have any top tips for

(a) stopping yourself doing what you shouldn't or
(b) getting a sensible balance on expecting "more" from the eldest?

Thanks for taking the effort to respond - very much appreciated.

Elliot

ReplyQuote
Posted : 11/01/2010 3:41 pm
mikey
(@mikey)
Reputable Member Registered

Hi Elliot

Firstly, welcome to Dadtalk. I hope you find the support you need through the forum.

We all get angry with our kids at some time or another, it's normal and a fact of life. Kids seem to know just what buttons to push and they push them. It's what you choose to do with your anger that's important. Expressing your anger is important because if you don't it leads to frustration, resentment and bitterness, none of which are good for you or your kids long term.

It may help you to step back and take a few deep breaths as this will take the edge out of your anger. Ask yourself what exactly it is that you are annoyed about. It will distance you, get you back in control and help to calm you down.

It will also help to talk openly and honestly to your children, especially the older one about how you are feeling. You can say things like 'I'm tired of telling you this over and over again because I feel ..............' or 'I'm angry with you because .....'

If you feel like screaming and shouting at your kids, then your own anger may have been building up for a long time, and maybe this is something you need to address too.

You will expect more of your older child, but be aware that your younger children will be taking on board everything you say to him and know this is the way you expect them to behave.

You can give Parentline a call, it's a freephone number and they are available 24/7. Call them on 0808 800 2222 or have a look at their website http://www.parentlineplus.org.uk

I hope this helps.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 11/01/2010 6:21 pm
Goonerplum
(@Goonerplum)
Noble Member Registered

Hi Elliot,

Kids know exactly what buttons to push and more importantly, when to push them.

I know where your coming from my 13 yo hormone monster seems to make it her lifes misson on some days to see if she can't get her dad wound up. 😉

you may find these Dadtalk articles of help.

http://www.dadtalk.co.uk/articles/behav ... r_dads.php

http://www.dadtalk.co.uk/articles/discipline_101.php

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Posted : 11/01/2010 6:33 pm
zaden
(@zaden)
Estimable Member Registered

My older one (older at the ripe old age of 6yrs) has taken to shouting shutup at us, actually mainly me 🙁 over the slightest thing he does not like me saying.
Sometimes it is very tiring. Have found a new way of dealing with it now, rather than telling him not to shout and not to say shutup. I have now started shutting up and not saying anything to him at all until he has apologised. One episode over the weekend had me not talking to him for 1 hr....

It is beginning to work though and he does not say it as often anymore. He is especially apologetic when he wants me to play with him 😉
Oh fun, fun, fun...... 🙂

ReplyQuote
Posted : 22/02/2010 6:18 pm
actd
 actd
(@actd)
Illustrious Member

Sometimes saying nothing is the hardest thing to do (and sometimes I wish I could do it more) - sounds like you've hit on a brilliant way of dealing with it. 😆

ReplyQuote
Posted : 23/02/2010 1:25 am
zaden
(@zaden)
Estimable Member Registered

You know the only problem....I end up laughing because he is getting so annoyned with me being silent and the laughing makes him worse 😆

ReplyQuote
Posted : 23/02/2010 1:39 am
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