New to this site but saw it and thought might get some help. I have been divorced since 2008. Remarried 2 years ago. My 2 daughters live mainly with their mum but I see them every Wednesday and they come to stay with me, my wife and her kids (who are similar ages with mine) every 2nd weekend from Fri night to Sunday evening. I also have them for 5 weeks of holidays a year. My ex wife does not and will not communicate with me in any way whatsoever. We (myself, my wife and our respective kids) have for last 3/4 years all gone on holidays together.This arrangement has been working for last 3 years ... albeit a downside for them is that I live over an hour away from where there mum lives. I always expected that at some point my eldest daughter (14) would want to stay more with her mum as that is where her school and friends are. But totally out of blue a month ago she announced that she hated coming through and always had done and that she hated being part of another family ... they (my wife and her family) shouldn't treat her like part of their family as its not right. Long story short she pretty much only wants to see me if I am on my own with her sister. I talked to her about being more flexible so she could be around for parties, etc more and now and again just going out the three of us but she is pretty much blackmailing me ... she won't answer texts, meet me on Weds or come through at the weekends. Her sister is still coming. My wife is being supportive but is very hurt. I can't give in to my daughter ... but at same time risk losing her which would kill me. Anyone had similar ? Any advice ? As an aside my ex-wife will be loving this and certainly not helping matters. She is engaged but her man has kids from a previous mmarriage and sees them every 2nd weekend at a flat that he has rented (ie without my ex and / or my daughters ... I suspect that's what my daughter wants me to do).
This sounds like teenage anxt to me...and I don't think the mothers refusal to communicate helps! In fact some of what your daughter says sounds as if it might be coming from her mother, the part about not wanting her step family to treat her like part of their family.
It's a tough one, whilst my head says dont allow yourself to be blackmailed, my heart says you should try to accommodate her and make compromises.
The arrangement your ex has with her partner and the fact that he sees his kids away from her has probably been in place from the start. The arrangement you have in place has been working for years.so I don't think it would be fair to compare them.
As your daughter is old enough to attend at either mediation or Relate you might like to consider giving one or the other a go. Here's a link
www.nfm.org.uk
www.relate.org
Just be patient and continue to try and communicate. Perhaps a letter might help you to talk about how you feel, we can often say a lot more that way.....maybe send her some flowered with a note to tell her you love her.
Thanks for the reply. Suspect there is involvement of the mother but its not all that. The arrangement viz her partner was not how it started ... initially his kids stayed every 2nd weeken with my ex and my daughters. So my daughter has seen this go a certain way before. I will keep pushing ... this weekend I had my yiounger daughter but the 14 year old didnt come again and wouldnt come out to talk when I dropped her sister off. I went to the door to try and have a conversation with the ex but she locked the door and didn't answer !
Worried noe that my younger daughter will start to go the same way.
I need to somehow persuade my 14 yr old to open up to me and talk about it more. I have offered quite a lot of compromise but she is seeing this very black and white just now. I have a court order which gives me the time I have just now with my kids but using this is a last resort and I think would be futile long term if 14 year old says she doesn't want to come ... I would just make things worse. I will write to her and try and get her to start talking again and take it from there. But jeez this is sooo hard emotionally and the underlying terrifying fear of losing my daughter.
I divorced in 2008 and my daughters aged sixteen and fourteen live with their mum. Here's my thoughts.
All they want is their mum and dad. It sounds like there's too many people in the extended family for your fourteen year olds liking, which is perfectly natural. Her age and her hormones are not helping the situation. She's angry with the way this has all turned out, and although it's not her fault, she might be feeling that she has played a part in it.
In my experience no amount of persuasion, cajoling or bribery can make a fourteen year old girl do something that she really doesn't want to do. So you have to do things that she wants to do. It's OK to give in to your daughters if that's what it takes.
Take them away on holiday, just the three of you. Or do weekends away and days out, but just you and them. They don't like sharing your attention. They want their dad for themselves, and that's normal.
Give in, but don't give up. Good luck!