- Hello, not sure whether I am allowed here as I am the soon to be mother but I've scoured the internet and phoned a few lines, looking for somewhere to gain advice, which hasn't been easy, to see where me and my ex partner would stand regarding our baby which is due in April.
- I am currently going through a court case with him having assaulted me in late October, of which the trial date has recently been pushed back from the start of January to now the end of February.
He was aware that I was pregnant during this assault, but we had left things on the aspect of I was going to get a termination. After reporting the assault and speaking to Womens Aid etc, I decided against a termination and I'm assuming he currently has no idea I'm still pregnant.
This is going to be the first child either of us has. - The issue I have is social services have been involved for a couple of months now.
I have spent a lot of time and thought over this and I have made a decision that irregardless of what my ex has done, I feel he has a right to know about my pregnancy.
I have told social services that I have been advised not to contact him because this could jeopardize the court case and have asked social services whether this is something they could tell him on my behalf because realistically I could only tell him at the earliest, the start of March (unless the trial date moves even further), in which I don't think that's fair nor enough time for him to process it and ultimately then make a decision on what he wants to do, either be a part of his sons life or not. If he wants to take responsibility and be a decent father then I want him to avoid missing out on as much as he can as I am aware they are only little once and you can't get that time back, it's priceless, hence why I would like him told as soon as possible, just incase. - Social services seem to largely be avoiding the question of whether they can tell him or not.
Any time it is mentioned that I am debating his involvement, I can tell they would rather I didn't tell him at all nor give him access and no matter how many times I tell them that I understand and are aware of the potential risks, the fact I need to protect my child, etc, ultimately I feel morally obligated that my ex has a right to 1) know that I'm still pregnant and 2) make his decision.
I know it's more hassle but if he decides he wants access then this is something social services should take from there to arrange something that suits all of us so we all miss out on as little as possible. It isn't ideal nor the dream anyone has but it is what it is and I have no idea if I'm shooting myself in the foot. - I feel in regards to social services, that if I inform and give my ex a chance to change and be a decent father - if he wants to, then they are putting my head on a chopping block as if I'm an unfit mother before my son is even born and thereafter.
I can understand their view, to a point.
But on the other hand I cannot and will not deny my babys father the right to know his son no matter what he has previously done to me because I cannot give either one of them those experiences nor time back in future. I want to live with the fact I have tried my best efforts for both of them. Thus hoping my ex would take initiative and do his best efforts for our son. - Realistically the second half of this ie. my ex having access may never happen due to his decision. Regarding his reaction of telling me to "get rid of that nasty little problem", telling me to leave and that he would "quite happily never see me again or his child ever" if I never terminated. However I would still like to give him the benefit of the doubt even if just the words not yet actioned of the offering regards me of having bad judgement and puts me in a bad position.
- I really am in a predicament and I'm unsure legally where I stand or my ex stands because I don't want my baby taken away from me when he's born over this but I'm trying to do my best in regards to all parties involved.
- I just want to be able to protect myself legally if all this comes to a head where neither party can agree and although I'm getting a bit ahead of myself and considering what he's done - I maybe shouldn't fight my ex's corner against any pre-judgement regarding his child. But I just want the best outcome for all of us, especially him and our future son.
- This is a lot and complicated. I'm unsure whether this is the right place to ask and I apologize if it isn't and I've wasted anyone's time or broke forum rules or done the wrong formatting.
Ultimately having grown up without a father myself due to the exact same circumstance as this, and my ex partners fathers both having severe problems. I just want what's going to be best for our child and I don't want him missing out on anything through out his life, even though there are risks and caution is necessary and a lot of this is completely out of my control. If my ex decides he's not interested then there's nothing else I can do and I will have to prepare myself to eventually tell my son the truth one day. This has me completely torn. - I'm fed up not knowing the right or wrong thing to do and being too scared and worried over the potential consequences to move in any direction. It would be equally appreciated to see this from another perspective.
- Regards,
C
There are several issues here. Has he entered a plea or is the court hearing in February so that to happen. If he pleads guilty then he will be sentenced at the time and you won't have to give evidence. If he pleads not guilty there will be a trial at which you'll be required to give evidence. That may be some six months or more further down the line. If he pleads guilty/is found guilty, then the court will likely make a restraining order that he is not to contact you in any way. This will be for around 3 years but could be longer depending on the severity of the assault. If the hearing is a trial and you are required to give evidence, he will see that you are pregnant unless you have screens in court so you don't have to see him. He will probably be on police bail not to contact you in the meantime.
When you register the birth of the baby, you will not be able to put him down as the father unless he is present.
If he wants to see the child and you are happy with this, then if social services feel this is a risk, they may remove the child from your care as you would not be safeguarding him. It might be possible to use a Contact Centre to ensure the child's safety. You may need to get any restraining order adjusted to allow contact for child arrangements only.
You can apply to the CMS for child maintenance in any event although he might say the child isn't his.
Hi,
In future perhaps you can get a friend or family member to pass a message onto him about the child. But suggest you check with authorities if this is allowed.