[Solved] At wits end

Hi there,

Do you have a solicitor when you go to court? Also, do you have any texts from your ex, or anything at all that can prove that your ex booked the holiday after the arrangements were made for your daughter to be bridesmaid?

I would tell the judge about the seriousness of your mothers illness and the effect this has had on the supervised access at your mums house, because of the unreasonable behaviour of your ex. Also the further unreasonable demands your ex has made on you and how difficult this has made the contact between you and your daughter. I take it that your daughter knows your bride to be, would it not be possible for her to take over the supervision of the contact, perhaps you could suggest this.

From the sound of it you have had lots of experience of court, its so hard to remain calm and reasonable when the situation has been anything but reasonable, but its really important that you do.

When dealing with awkward, unpleasant people, I've found flattery and being pleasant to be an effective tool! You could try telling your ex that you know she is a good mother etc, appeal to her better nature, admit that you're both to equally to blame (even if you dont feel you are!) for the current situation and ask if you can find some common ground for the sake of your daughter.....talk to her about how much better it would be for your daughter if you could both get on and about the importance of parents as role models. If its not possible to talk to your ex, you could try writing her a letter.

I dont know if these suggestions will help.... but I wish you the best of luck in court and for the future.

Hi Im really sorry you are going through this, We know only to well about the rules they set. My son has been going through the same, she has moved 100 miles from him with his daughter and she still expected him to have her once a week for 7 hours and stay in the area this means walking round a very rural place 2 pubs and one shop, a bus every 2 hours. The rows have been endless, she has now agreed to two sats a month and hes ALLOWED to the next town but so many rules he has to write down every thing they do. we are taking her to court for stay access and for these stupid rules to be lifted. I think you should go to court for overnight access and be allowed to take her to your home.

Hello Nannyjane and thank you for our response. Yes i have a solicitor who to be honest seems a little more passive than i would like but she does her job. I have no evidence of her booking a holiday yet but i strongly suspect it was booked much more recently than the announcement of my wedding.

I have began to implement a plan on paper of all the things i wish to bring up in court, I will most certainly take your advice and let the court know how my ex's actions have affected my mother. I have received a call from my daughter today, (which i missed and my daughter left a message) whereby she has told me she does not want any contact with me any more. During the short duration of this voice-mail my daughter seemed very distressed and quite upset. It was painful to listen to but i have the feeling that my ex had put some pressure on my daughter. I have saved the message and will be producing it to my solicitors. I will be attending the drop off point tomorrow in hope she has changed her mind but I am doubtful her mother will allow that. In which case i will begin enforcement proceedings What can i do about the pressures my ex is placing on my daughter and how can i prove it?

About 2 years ago i was allowed over night contact including taking Chloe away on holiday for a week with my partner and her children for a period of 3 months. which was great but suddenly stopped when my ex got a new partner. Contact has now passed the "supervised" side and we are allowed contact in the community so asking for my partner to be our supervisor is no longer needed and would not have been approved by my ex in an case. I had asked in court about this but the contact had to be with someone she knew.

I have tried every route possible to keep my on the good side of my ex but she does not respond to it and continues to provoke me. I do everything i can to not enter into arguments with her but to no avail. I remain calm to try to diffuse the argument often failing and just sitting there listening to her rambling, this cuts heavily into my time with my daughter often up to an hour at a time. I am going to ask the courts if there is a way I can write into the contact order that she does not have direct contact with me as she (and anyone with her) is threatening and aggressive towards me.

Thank you for your help thus far 🙂

Hi chris4506

...Its a really good idea to write a plan....Have you been keeping a record of all communication between you and your ex, my son kept a diary and recorded everything, including contact with Social Services, with times and dates....It really helped, it gave the barrister on the day of the court hearing a really good sense of the big picture.

I am so sorry to hear about the message left by your daughter, it is heartbreaking that she is being used in such a heartless way....if only these mothers would realize it's nothing less than child abuse. There is whats called Parental Alienation Syndrome, I dont know a lot about it other than seeing it mentioned in various posts on here, I feel that there is an element of this in your case....perhaps you could look into it, (googling is a great tool!) it might help you to understand why your daughter is acting the way she is... knowledge is power! ...As for proving coercion and pressure being put on your daughter by your ex, perhaps asking for CAFCASS to visit your daughter and interviewing her without your ex present, maybe talk to your solicitor about it.

It might be helpful to mention in court that you used to have overnight contact and holiday time away with your daughter, that this went well, but due to no fault of yours, for reasons you were unaware of, this was abruptly stopped by your ex, although it did coincide with your ex having a new partner. Supply all the facts but let the court draw their own conclusions! .... If this was granted by a court once before then at the next hearing the judge might see this as contempt of the existing order and reinstate it, or at least grant contact that will work towards this kind of contact again. Try not to attack your ex's motives, its important that you express yourself in a calm and balanced way and put across you intention only to do what is best for your daughter.... having her Dad involved in her life is what the professionals try to promote, at least thats what they all say!

Be careful about making any demands to the court...do mention the aggression and threats direct towards you, especially if done in front of your daughter, and also your attempts at diffusing the arguements and not retailiating. If asking for no direct contact with your ex, your reason would be because it would be better for your daughter not to witness all the unpleasantness. It could be arranged for you to pick her up from a contact centre instead.

I really hope it all works out for you.

Some excellent advice above - I would add that it may be worth asking your solicitor about a Specific Issue Order regarding having your daughter as a bridesmaid - I know there are other issues to sort out first, but time is getting short so it's worth doing that now.

my ex has now clearly confirmed she has changed my daughters name by deed poll some 6 months after our holiday in 2009 so we are applying for a specific issue order regarding this and a few other problems including our wedding. We are also applying for an enforcement order regarding the non-attendance last week. This is good news i think. I have looked up parental alienation syndrome and its not recognised in court as a "syndrome" making it almost unusable in court but my solicitor believes that after a psychological assessment the term " Parental Alienation" (which somehow is different) maybe applicable. Thank you all for your support thus far you have helped me so much already.

Hi Chris.... Take a look at Karen Woodalls Blog at www.karenwoodall.wordpress.com ....She is an Author, Counsellor and Director of The Centre for Seperated Families. She is an expert in the field of Parental Alienation and her blogs are so informative. Big, big respect for this lady!

I'm glad you are feeling a little more optimistic, action=empowerment!

Hey guys.

I thought i should write an update here about the situation as it stands now. I have not had contact with my daughter for 13 weeks now and with my final hearing coming up on 2nd January i am beginning to fear the worst. My daughter did not attend my wedding after making a special request in court the judge found in favor of my ex and that was the end of the matter. The day was great although i could not help but miss my daughter as i know she would have loved it.

I am having a rather troublesome time with both CSA and the Legal Aid Commision now i am married as they are both now performing a thorough investigation into my personal finances which is making family life really hard right now. It appears there has been an "Embargo" placed on my public funding due to this investigation which in turn means i am without representation for the final hearing. This is troubling me and i am almost at the point of giving up on the whole thing once again.

Should I:
A: Attempt to vacate the court hearing until i am able to secure public funding and continue this perilous quest,
B: Go without representation knowing she has now got a barrister to represent her,

I know that even in the event of this court order being made that this will not resolve everything it needs to and my ex will no doubt continue to exploit loopholes in the order and use my daughter as a weapon to attempt to hurt others. That being said my ex has now stopped my parents from having any contact with my daughter as they have told her that she is being unreasonable. I am certain my ex will continue with this method of emotional blackmail to hurt anyone who is not "on-her-side." How do i get the courts to see what she is doing?

Today i went for contact with my daughter. She came over with my ex's new partner and almost with tears in her eyes she told me she was not coming this week. She immediately turned around and began to sob as she returned to the car. I have witnessed this on quite a few occasions.

It seems the courts cannot be bothered with the problems my ex causes, so they seem to dismiss my case very quickly. I just wish i knew of some sort of procedure i could follow to get this investigated further.

Personally, I'd look at going it alone - check yojis guide to representing yourself at the top of the legal section - if you wait until everything else is sorted, then you could be a long time before it's settled in court.

Seems like your going through what most of us have on here the ex using OUR children to hurt us. I have experienced this for the last eleven months where my ex would let me see my son when she decided.All i can say to you is never give up your daughter obviousley wants to see you but her mother is putting pressure on her.They all seem to have the same train of thought that when you split up you have to leave everything behind.I went to court in the end and got contact and overnight staying order after the judge told my ex that her behaviour was more than unreasonable. I paid for it myself and still am and would pay for the next thousand years to maintain the relationship i have with my son .All is not perfect even after the court order, my ex still tries to control what we do when i see my son but i now have the satisfaction that her day's of dictating are slowly coming to an end. Fight for what you are entitled too never give up no matter how much you feel everything is against you. Good luck.