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First time here so go easy 😆
My son is 7, his mother and I split before he was born and since that time his mother has allowed him a couple of hours contact a month with me, supervised by her. I asked for more and the request has always been ignored. I am yet to be called Dad although he seem sto know that is who I am, I dont push that though. The contact is always very controlled and even now at 7 she makes him play in one room and tends to be very unfriendly but never goes as far as causing outrage - just enough to make you feel like you shouldnt have come.
When my son was first born his mother appeared to have some kind of psychological issues and her parents asked me if I would give her as much space as possible, although we did still have some heated exchanges, mainly via email in the first year but I quit before it got silly and kept my mouth shut. Since then her behaviour has not changed at all and many mothers have suggested to me that there is something deeply wrong, but since my son himself has seemed well adjusted and happy I decided to be grateful I saw him at all and not rock the boat for him. Just as an example, even now she sits on the floor, with him and plays with his toys with him and acts like other people in the room are not really there only occasionally engaging in conversation - she seems to resent that anyone turns up to see my son - another example is that when his cousin went up to visit he wanted to play in the garden full of toys with my son, only to be told they couldnt 'because the grass needs cutting' which was posibly the worst excuse known to man, not to mention weird not wanting two boys to play in a garden - it was just weird all over. She also told my son off one time because I made him laugh and she told him not to 'be silly', but she was happy to make him laugh herself - a confusing message for him I would think. As such I tend not to get too close to him as he seems to be the one she will punish rather than me ( I am very resilient generally which she well knows and hates ).
Anyhow, this has prompted me to feel that it is perhaps time my ex has the decisions about his contact with me taken out of her hands as he is getting to the age where he will be very aware of what is going on and I would like to put his contact with me on a stronger footing, or even better to remove his mother from the contact completely.
I have many worries about pulling the trigger. What sort of costs are involved? Could the fact I was assaulted as a child be used against me? Does the fact I have not made a move sooner count against me? Does my son not having a close bond with me due to circumstances count against? If there is a mental health issue with his mother, how can that be approached if at all? Do I need proof of behaviour during contact? I am not well off financially, do I risk starting something i cannot afford to finish?
I have a stable life, I am married, I have a home and a job - I also have a highly involved role in my nephews lives as both uncle and godfather so it isnt a case that I am frightened of children, just what would happen to my son if he dared embrace knowing me properly which I sense he would if given the chance, he is a very friendly boy and open to me when he gets the chance ( usually when his mother is distracted ).
The most important question of all really is whether or not it is worth it because I do atleast have contact right now and given the circumstaces, would it be wise to upset the apple cart? It isnt perfect I know, but I do fear loosing more than I gain by it which would defeat the object of doing anything in the first place. I dont mean to sound defeatist but I am at heart a practical man and I dont act on emotions, they lead to bad decisions quite often.
Any opinions most welcome! 🙂
I have no real advice to offer but a couple of hours a month at his age is absolutely shocking. She does sound very protective over him - almost controlling - but that's no reason to keep him from you, which IMO is what she's doing by letting you have so little contact. I've been having my son for overnights, weekends and full weeks since he was a month old.
You can represent yourself, I'm only on the first step of the self representing journey and it hasn't been as scary as it sounds (so far!)! I highly recommend CORAM child law advice line, they are brilliant and offer free legal advice on anything. You do have to try ringing several times throughout the day though, there isn't an option to hold so if all advisors are busy it tells you and disconnects. It's well worth it though.
Hi there FoR,
Are you named on the birth certificate? This will determine if you have Parental Responsibility or not. If you aren't then its something you can apply for at the same time as a Contact Order at no extra cost.
I cant believe how patient you have been! I agree, more contact is long overdue, as is unsupervised contact away from the mothers environment. I think your son would benefit from quality time with you, his mother sounds ultra controlling and he is probably afraid of being more open with you for fear of upsetting her.
The costs involved depend on the route you wish to take, if you intend to use a solicitor then it can cost upwards of £3000, however self representing is very doable and many Dads here have taken this route, if you decide to do the same then you will get lots of advice and support here. If you DIY then it would cost you £200 to submit the application to court for a Contact Order, if you are on a low income you may be entitled to an exemption for all or part of the fee.
I do understand your reluctance to rock the boat but this is about what is best for your son and he deserves more. Don't worry about the assault on you as a child, how can this possibly be used against you...it cant have been your fault and it happened such a long time ago...please don't let that cloud the issue.
Not having moved on this earlier will not go against you, in fact its a good argument that you have been more than patient in the hope that the mother would eventually come round as your son got older, and the fact that you didn't want to cause any disruption to your son, choosing instead to try and do it amicably. The fact that you have made many request for more contact that have been refused shows how sensitive you have been to the situation.
I think even with the minimum contact, the fact that it has been consistent and over a long period of time will show that there is a developed bond, the seeds were planted, the roots have grown, and now its time for you and he to flower into full bloom! The fact that you have never been allowed to have one to one contact is not your fault.
I don't think you need to concern yourself with any mental issues at the moment, as you say your son appears to be well adjusted and happy. I agree that she has been far too controlling but unless there are serious mental health issues this wont be given too much weight.
The fact that she has allowed you into the home for contact for the last 7 years is all the proof you need, if she felt you posed any kind of risk this wouldn't have happened, and this will be your response if she tries to suggest that you cant be trusted to have unsupervised contact.
Your final question about whether its worth it is the simplest of all to answer.....YES!!! You wont lose I'm sure of that, and think how fantastic it will be to take him for days out, introduce him to the rest of his family, take him home, go on holidays...the list of things you will be able to do together is endless!
I think it worth mentioning here that before starting court proceedings its worth considering Mediation. The court will expect this to have been attempted before asking for the court to intervene. There is a charge for this service but the cost is still covered by legal aid for those on benefits or a low income. I'll give you a link to the mediation service and also the legal aid calculator to see if you might be eligible. Of course she may refuse to attend in which case the mediator will issue you with a form FM1 to give to the court when you submit your contact application.
Best of luck and if you need any further help or advice please just ask!
Hi FoR
NJ has given you some really good advice, you have been patient (too patient! 😆 Your contact should be much further along by now, including overnight contact. So yes you should make a move to push contact further, use mediation first, she may cause problems with your contact but you should be having much more now....and you and your son should be having good father/son bonding time, not contact supervised by your son's mother. 🙂
Thankyou, very encouraging.
I am worried about how I would handle it though - past events have given me frequent trouble with anxiety, especially in public and I know it would be nasty, my ex would be well schooled in how to make gains in a case - I was bullied to near suicide when I was a teen and I have a deep fear that some form of humiliation in public may break me down - I coped with it really well when I worked through the assault effects a few years ago but it was very contained and I was in control. While I have managed emotions quite well over the years, ironically that was a legacy of the assault which compartmentalised the way my emotions tend to be handled - my son is easily the deepest connection I have to another human being, he even looks like me, so I am so afraid it may be more emotion than I have ever had to handle. I would hate to start it all and find the pressure was too much for me to put my best foot forward.
I think the best thing I can do is be ultra prepared before I start anything, I like to know in detail what to expect so I dont get too many suprises. Given that time isnt pressing exactly, are there any things I should be recording over a period of time and how should I record it if there are?
The way I look at it, I dont matter, only my son matters and while he is smiling and happy I find it quite hard to feel motivated as I talked myself out of the whole 'dad' thing when it became clear I would be excluded to protect myself.
Mediation sounds like a plan, I will look into it. My parents are urging me not to rock the boat, they fear they will never see him again if I do something. Very hard to tell your parents you want to risk their contact with their grandson, they have better contact with him than I do as the hatred my ex feels is reserved for me, I am special :woohoo:
I completely understand where you're coming from....you have hit the nail on the head when you mentioned being ultra prepared, preparation is key to a successful outcome.
It might be useful to get some paper evidence of her refusal to increase or allow unsupervised contact. It might be a good idea to put your request in writing to her... How has this been requested in the past? If you corresponded by email or text then it would be a good idea to get these copied if you still have them, and start a file. Start documenting your contact time, the things you do during your visits, the mothers reactions etc. you could start a diary and record everything in there. As well as creating a commentary it will have the effect of motivating you to move forward.
I think it a little selfish of your parents to react in this way, it might be worth sitting them down and asking them for their support, explain that what you are striving for is not what is best for you but what is best for your son. His needs are changing and with his growing independence will come a desire to know more and to ask more...
I don't believe your post here to be a hasty decision, I think you have probably been thinking about how to go about improving the situation for both of you for some time. We can offer you support and advice and we will respect the pace you wish to set for yourself. I think though that you know in your heart that what you want is not unreasonable at all and if it goes to court they will not consider it so either.
I so second everything NJ has said to you, although I can to a degree understand where your parents are coming from. However they can make their own application to the court for contact. Its all very well not rocking the boat, but by now your contact should be so much more than what you are having and your contact is far more important than your parent's contact as far as the Court is concerned.
Mediation is definitely the most peaceful way to approach the increased contact and cheaper than Court. But of course depending on your income, you may be eligible for legal aid.
I understand what you say about the emotional side of things, and yes you will need to be in a good strong place to take it on, things will more than likely get dirty if they go to court, ...but you have our support in here and perhaps you could consider at the Final hearing in the future, getting a solicitor or a barrister or a Mackenzie friend to go to court with you. Solicitor or Barrister can actually represent you, a Mackenzie Friend cant, but they can support you in the court which is what you may need if you feel able to self represent. But that is a futuristic note for you 🙂
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