I never thought this day would actually come but here it is.
I'm a full time father to my 4 year old son and have been since I split with my ex 20 months ago. When I split up with her she immediately went and found another guy and left the child with me. She didnt give a [censored] about seeing our child as she was more interested in the bloke. I would travel 30 miles to take him to see her only for her to make her excuses to leave after 5 minutes so she could get back to her bloke and that's how it reminded until Xmas last year. Her contact with him was very patchy,she would promise to call but never would and would then come up with ridiculous excuses as to why she didnt call as promised.
I invited her and her mum over on Xmas day evening as that's also our sons birthday, her mum is a specialised foster carer by the way. They then proceeded to ruin the day by kicking off and they kept asking him if he wanted to go with them even tho he kept saying no.
Never less she then had him on boxing day to take him to a family get together, I insisted I attend for the 1st hour to make him feel comfortable. I agreed to this on the condition that she called him 2-3 times a week, if only for 5 minutes. I made it very clear this was her last chance. She stuck to the phone calls promise once and I remember my son crying himself to sleep because she didnt stick to her promise and came up with another lame excuse.
It was then that I had to say enough is enough, this on off contact was damaging my son, he wasnt sleeping, he was kicking me, biting me, punching me and letting all his anger and frustration out on me. It was real hard for him, he didnt understand why his mother was not sticking to her promises. All I could do was comfort him and give him reassurances. Day by day he forgot about her and his behaviour improved. He started school this September and he is absolutely thriving. He is like w completely different child. He is just a normal happy little boy now.
Our son was on a protection plan by default of her elder child being on a plan due to issues with his father. It took social services a while to see what she was actually like. Around February time I agreed with social services she could have him every friday night, on the condition she went and saw a solicitor and got an agreement drawn up, I even offered to pay half. She didnt do that, her excuse was that she didnt want to go through solicitors but I was insistent based on her history of not letting her elder child see his father where she breached so many court orders that the judge then sent the elder child to live with his father. She then got the child back by fabricating that the father had sexually abused the child and got him to say that to the police and social services. I hope your starting to see why I gave huge concerns about her having contact with our son.
She then gave birth to a new baby, and I didnt hear from her for a few months which was great. Her and her new partner continued to have a on off relationship and it transpired every time she asked to see our child, was during a period where they had split up. I had her turning up ag my door banging it etc. I recieved harassment from her and her mum during these periods and the police would do nothing, even when she sent a text threatening to kick my door down and telling me u should be scared of her, they did [censored] all. Didnt even speak to her! Every day I live in fear because of those threats, I struggle to get a full nights sleep because every noise wakes me up.
Her new baby was put on a protection plan for reasons I dont know. My son no longer has social services involvement as they were satisfied i had done all i could to provide contact.
She then permanently split up with her partner then I had days of her banging on my door begging me to let her see him. I explained to her if I were to allow her it would have to be in a contact centre as she is effectively a stranger to my child, she needs to be reintroduced and at the same time she needs to prove herself, plus I do reserve concerns as to why her child is on a protection plan.
I forgot to mention, when her baby was born, she then sent her elder child to live with the father that she had previously denied contact to and made up those allegations.
She has attempted to turn up at school a few times to just collect him but the school have refused due to the fact it would cause him distress as he doesn't know her, they have threatened to call the police and then she goes away.
She has failed to provide for him at all I have asked her to buy things like school jumpers etc, she refuses because I dont let her see him!
I feel so angry that after all the chances shes been given that she has taken me to court, it defies belief.
What I really want to ask Is this, I have aspergers syndrome so representing myself in court could be quite difficult because of my condition, I dont think I'll be able to represent myself effectively, is it worth trying to apply for legal aid because of my condition?
Hello, the great thing is, you sound like a good dad who only has their childs interest at heart. Your ex has every right to apply for contact and based on what you have already said, I would imagine they would suggest meeting at a contact centre to re-introduce themselves and see how he reacts. If she is known to SS, cafcass will have to do section 7 reports and so on, this can take months to complete so your ex will have to be prepared to not see him while all of this is going on.
I would 100% get representation, you may qualify for legal aid to cover this. I have a very close friend who has Apsergers too, so i know the struggles he faces in general communication, I feel if your ex gets a solicitor and tells them that you live with Autism, they may be quite aggressive with you.
Good luck with it all
Hello, the great thing is, you sound like a good dad who only has their childs interest at heart. Your ex has every right to apply for contact and based on what you have already said, I would imagine they would suggest meeting at a contact centre to re-introduce themselves and see how he reacts. If she is known to SS, cafcass will have to do section 7 reports and so on, this can take months to complete so your ex will have to be prepared to not see him while all of this is going on.
I would 100% get representation, you may qualify for legal aid to cover this. I have a very close friend who has Apsergers too, so i know the struggles he faces in general communication, I feel if your ex gets a solicitor and tells them that you live with Autism, they may be quite aggressive with you.
Good luck with it all
Hi Ferfer. Thank you for your reply.
I suppose I just feel quite angry that having spent so long and trying to get her to have contact with him, and then offering contact which she agreed to, she then never followed that up by going to see a solicitor. The cynic in me thinks it's not that she wants contact, it's that she just wants to drag me through court. I get she wants to see him but it seems when her need to see him has been satisfied then she buggers off for a couple of months until that need arises again, without any thought for his own needs.
I suppose I'm in a very tricky position here, because with all my son has been through and the amount of work I have had to put in to 'fix him' she now just expects to come back in to his life and obviously I'm very reluctant to allow that to happen, if the court allows contact how long until she buggers off again? And then he has to go through all that again but it would be worse now because at 3 years old he didnt really understand and that was hard enough as it was. At almost 5 now he will feel the loss even more if they were re-introduced and she buggered off again and now that hes started school I'm terrified that would effect his education.
On top of that is the worry that considering her extensive history of breaking court orders with her ex it's possible she will do that again to me and then that will obviously unsettle him. The risk is there that she will make him fabricate false allegations and also based on her history she will absolutely destroy mine and his relationship. I witnessed at first hand how she would talk to her elder child about his dad, she made that child feel torn. These days that child is absolutely destroyed by her actions, he has behaviour problems, hes behind on his education etc and I am absolutely determined that I'm not going to let her do that to my little boy. However I'm very fearful that a judge will understand my concerns.
I am absolutely terrified about the prospect of having to represent myself, I just wont be able to represent myself effectively due to my communication difficulties, just like your friend. I'd literally be a rabbit in headlights and it would cause a lot if distress. I'm not entirely sure if shes going to have a solicitor, as she did the application herself then I assume no but as she is on benefits it would surprise me if her mum funded a solicitor for her.
I am very fearful they will try to use my Aspergers against me and try to say that makes me unsuitable as the resident parent.
hi,
well you have been the primary carer for most of childs life. so i would be surprised if they somehow easily took that right away from you. other dad on here said he was able to hire a barrister for the day. £500. check out the direct access portal.
https://www.directaccessportal.co.uk/search/1/barrister
its makes sense for her to kick start court process if shes very serious about having regular contact with her child. she has to prove her self.
I've had the court papers come through today!
There has been a urgent hearing set for next week, because my ex has applied for a prohibited steps order in order to prevent me leaving the country with the child. Despite there being absolutely no evidence of that happening. I've asked in the past her permission to take him out and sometimes shes said yes, sometime she has said no and when shes said no we have not gone. She is relying on the fact that I went to Ireland last December, by myself, the child remained with a family member, she found out I was away and called the police and reported child missing, the police did a welfare check to check the child was in this country. I'm so annoyed that she has twisted what actually happened to get in front of a judge so quick, and a year later! Do you know what the funny thing actually is? She lost custody of her elder child because she told the Cafcass officer if she allowed contact between the child and father she would run away with him to Ireland!
Secondly there has been a hearing set for the 2nd week in January where she has asked for contact + asked the judge to consider where the child lives. She has put in her application that shes begged and begged me for contact but that I've refused! I am very annoyed by that as for months it was me begging her to see the child, begging her to call him when he was crying himself to sleep cos she failed to call as promised! I offered every friday, on the condition that it was put into a legal agreement. I have emails to prove that!
She lived 30 + miles away up until last week where she moved 7 miles away from where I live, and now suddenly that shes closer she wants to see him? She didnt give a [censored] when she was 30+ miles away!
I am even more annoyed that she has chosen the weeks before Xmas to apply.
lol sounds like shes digging a hole for herself. crafty to way to get an urgent hearing. hopefully you can resolve this asap and can enjoy the holiday period with your child.
i see on application form there is also option for a 'Without notice' hearing. imagine if that happened. WT..!! haha
