Hello all,
I wonder if someone has any advice for a very difficult situation I find myself in regarding my access to my 9 year old Son.
I met a Slovak born woman in 2012 and a year later we had a Son together (not the most sensible move now I know but I wouldnt change my Son for anything now).
By 2016 I was struggling with parenting, my Mom had just died suddenly and I lost my job and started using alcohol and drugs to deal with it all (another unwise move I know). I used to pay all the bills before that and give her several hundred pounds each month on top of that to top up her benefits when I was in work but when I lost my job I could no longer do that. So she moved out and took my Son with her, to a neighbouring city initially to live with her Sister. Then a few months later I got a letter from a Solicitor saying she wanted my permission to take him back to Slovakia to live with her. I spent the next 6 months trying to stop this from happening but in around April 2017 the UK legal system gave her permission to remove my then 3 year old Son from the UK to go and live with her permanently in Slovakia. She won the case based on a load of lies about what life she would be giving to my Son if she moved there, she faked job offers, and showed pictures of an apartment she was going to move into which to this day has never happened, she still lives with her parents there in a 1 bedroom flat with my Son and she also made accusations that I domestically abused her to get legal aid which I never did. I could not afford any legal representation so I got absolutely roasted in court by the Mom, her Barrister and the judge (also a female). The only one that stuck up for me was the woman from CAFCASS who could see I had a good relationship with my Son.
Fast forward a few years of me going to Slovakia 4/5 times per year (and skyping him twice a week every week since 2017), spending every penny I have got on flights and hotels and paying her a small amount on top of that which is more than I can afford (I have had to borrow money off people to continue this as I cannot cope with the thought that I cannot be with my Son physically), I have now got another letter off her Lawyers who want to ratify the decision in a Slovak court because the UK court decision is apparently not applicable in Slovakia. However they are saying I can only see my Son face to face for 17 DAYS PER YEAR. I cannot cope with this. How can any living human being think it is ok to restrict a 9 year old child's face to face time with a loving Father to 17 DAYS PER YEAR?! They are hiding behind the "it needs to be in school holidays" excuse but whatever way you dress it up, how can anyone expect me to be ok with 17 days of seeing my Son per year?
I don't know what to do. I feel helpless and hopeless. If I had a £1million in the bank, the solution would be simple, get the best family lawyer there and absolutely destroy this ludicrous petition in court but I dont have two pennies to rub together, and unfortunately Slovakia is even more old-fashioned than the UK when it comes to parental roles with Children (Father's are never seen as the main caregiver, or even a caregiver, they are more of a provider of resources). Sure I can probably get some therapy which might help me but what about my Son, what is hurting the most is what they seem prepared to do an innocent 9 year old boy who is falling victim to this situation. Surely they must see his life would be better with more of his Fathers time in it but it seems they do not.
Anyway I dont want to turn this into an essay otherwise nobody will read it. If anyone knows what to do that would be great. Thanks for reading this.
Joe.
p.s I stopped using all alcohol and drugs following my split from my Sons Mom and have been abstinent since 23.11.2016 (it will be my 6 year anniversary soon)
hi,
sorry to hear about your situation. I came across a father where his ex moved away to Greece with the kids. practically he can only visit them during the holiday periods, so would fly out there a few times a year. Have you tried negotiating with her lawyer about this 17 day period, and why is it so restrictive? and because they want to ratify this decision with Slovak court, do they need your permission/approval to do this? you could ask her lawyer about how this process works and try to work out a better arrangement for seeing your son.
Has your ex now applied for a child arrangement order in Slovakia? If not then you should consider doing so. Your priority should be to focus on yourself and how you will present to the court:
-Why it’s in your child’s best interest to spend time with you.
-How your often and where you would you to spend time with your son.
-Your living arrangement. Would your son be able to stay there comfortably.
-Steps or courses that you have taken to overcome your challenges with alcohol, drug or any other welfare concerns raised by Cafcass.
In the meantime, stay calm and don’t refuse contact that’s offered before a judgement has been made in Slovakian court.
@bill337 Hi Bill, Thank you for your reply. I am going to put a response together to them and see what they say. I think there needs to be some more flexibility given there are 2 weeks at christmas usually as a holiday, 6 weeks in the summer and several half-term holidays which I could see him on, so I will be making that point and then go from there.
With regards to the court hearing, yes I am entitled to go and present my side of the case to the court when the hearing takes place but I cannot afford it. The Mom told me it is due to take place in November so they have written to me to ask me if I will attend in person or "apply to be heard by means of the requested body of Great Britain in compliance with the Hague Convention on the Taking of Evidence Abroad in Civil and Commercial Matters 23 August 1976", whatever that means?
I will provide an update on the thread when I hear more back from them.
@mrstrange Yes her Solicitors have applied for the arrangement order. I have received correspondence from the court asking me to confirm if I will attend the hearing in person or if i will "apply to be heard by means of the requested body of Great Britain in compliance with the Hague Convention on the Taking of Evidence Abroad in Civil Commercial Matters of 23 August 1976. But I am not exactly sure that that reference to the Hague Convention means. I am due to go back to Slovakia at Christmas to visit my Son again (i got back just one week ago from my last visit), but if the court hearing takes place between then and now then there is no way I can afford to go again and if I did get another loan out for it or something this would hinder my ability to see him at Christmas or buy him the present I know he wants (the new FIFA game for his Xbox), which is not cheap.
In terms of your other questions:
-Why it’s in your child’s best interest to spend time with you.
I have a very good relationship with my Son. He is 9 years old and more than capable of expressing his feelings so if they were really interested in learning more about that they could ask him and if they did I think it would be relatively obvious to anyone who is genuinely concerned about the interests of the child in the situation that it would be better for him to spend more than 17 days per year with me.
-How your often and where you would you to spend time with your son.
I want full flexibility to see him when there are school holidays (easters, chrismas', half-terms, summer holidays etc). Even if I saw him every day available when he was on a school holiday I am still missing out on a huge part of his life. So I do not see why it would be considered such an unreasonable request.
-Your living arrangement. Would your son be able to stay there comfortably.
I stay in hotels when I am in Slovakia. This has never been a problem with the Mother in the past, nor has him staying in my property in the UK (which used to be his previous home when he lived in the UK before the system allowed him to be permanently removed from his country of birth).
-Steps or courses that you have taken to overcome your challenges with alcohol, drug or any other welfare concerns raised by Cafcass.
I have not touched a single drop of alcohol or any drugs for 6 years. I think it's fair to say, this is no longer a problem relevant to my child's welfare.
Thanks for the reply. If I was were you, I would put together a detailed proposal for how you want to spend time with your son. Detail whether you:
-Want to see him for two consecutive weeks during summer holidays or for two non-consecutive weeks.
-Do you want to see him alternate half terms.
-Where do you want contact to take place, Slovakia or the UK.
-If in Slovakia, would you consider renting an airbnb? A hotel room might not be a practical time for you both to spend time if it’s cold or raining.
-Does your son have a room with belongings in your home in the UK.
When writing a proposal, position yourself in the child’s shoes and consider his age. Keep things practical and realistic. A child needs stability and routine in how they spend time with both parents. Write down a proposal and review it a week from now before sharing it with your ex.
What happens in Slovakian court will be important, so spend as much time as possible to understand the court process and what’s expected from you at each hearing.
