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HI All,
I have been reading this forum for about 6 months but untill now have not contributed. I would first like to thank many of you because alot of the advice i have read for other people has been very helpful for me and i now feel alot more confident in my rights as a father and the options available to me to ensure my daughter can have me in her life.
A little about my situation, i am a 25 year old guy with a 5 year old daughter, i split with her mother nearly 4 years ago. It was not a nice relationship and by the end we hated each other, i am past this hate but i am not so sure about the mother. until now we have arranged contact and child support between us, and this has not always worked well. if i upset the ex or did not do what she wanted access to my daughter was made difficult/ partially stopped. my biggest problem was last second changes to the arrangements, can i pick her up later/earlier tomorrow etc but sometime less then ten mins before i was due to pick her up. i understand things happen that are out of our control but this was a weekly occurance! i currently see my daughter every other weekend friday night to sunday afternoon, and untill recently every wednesday evening too. now due to me complaining, nothing hostile just a this isnt fair not giving me enough notice and lack of respect as our daughters father, about beeing messed around on a wednesday night i have lost those wednesdays which i am not happy about. it means two weeks without my daughter seeing me, which she has told me she doesnt like. this is the main reason i have started mediation to try and get these back, also dont feel i am bing kept up to date with her being ill or involved enough with her education and sorting out aditional time in holidays etc. ex has/had mental heath problems that whilst do not stop her being generally a good mother do make her completely eveil and unreasonable when it comes to me, these bad periods come and go maybe three months of beeing good then three months of being bad. so i have decided to make things more regular by making things official with the aim of an agreement through mediation that is rubber stamped in court.
So there are several reasons i have started to add to the forum, firstly alot of others peoples experiences have helped me alot i hope i can do the same for others by updating my experiences. secondly i would always like any advice on what i am going throught, i am always worried that i am being unreasonable to either my daughter, my ex or myself!
sorry about how long this is, it is so hard to write all this in a way that reads well!
so to my to main questions:
1.) as my name suggests i am a big rugby fan, i play for a local side. i would like to know if me playing on a saturday when i have my daughter is unfair on her? have spoken about this to family members and they are pretty split. i am away for about 4 hrs on average, and in this time my daughter has typically girly time with my girlfriend, shopping, visiting family etc. it may sound odd but playing rugby is my escape its my release from the stresses and difficulties of life, i feel it makes me a much happier person and i think a better parent. but obviously my daughter comes first to me, i would be very interested in what other dads do for sport at the weekend and what people think of this?
2.) my ex want to get her new born son (with her new partner, we are both in relationships with no problems about that from either side)christened and has asked me about getting our daughter christened too. neither of us are religious so not sure why she wants it done but it doesn't do any harm so i have no problem with it in theory. in practice i think the ex is only asking for my input to help with the costs, i dont have the money to help and tbh dont think i would want to even if i did (i dont get on with her family, think there is a high chance it would result in an arguement with them, dont really want to pay for a party for them basically. my partner has suggest we allow my daughter to be christened, but do not attent ourselves or contribute finacially, but we do send my daughter a christening card to show her that we do care about this event in her life even if we felt we couldnt be there to share it with her. i like this suggestion but was wondering what others think?
i have been having problems with contact (as mentioned above) but think those are an issue for a seperate post on their own!
Many thanks
RugbyDad
Hi and welcome to the forum I hope mediation works with your contact issues and mediation was the right way to go as if you decided to go to court for more defined contact they will have expected you to have tried this first .
I can’t see anything wrong with you playing Rugby its only 4 hours and as long as everyone is happy, your partner and daughter (wouldn’t worry what other family members say or think)then I think it’s a great idea, it also gives them girlie time and a chance to see other family members, it may change as she gets older but lots of things change
The Christening, does your Daughter want to be christened? I would contribute towards your daughters outfit , new dress and shoes maybe, which she can wear again but , give your blessing and offer the above , there’s no way you should have to contribute to the party afterwards
I personally feel that a christening is the child's event and like a wedding, everyone should behave civilly and that you should go, as should your family too.. You are entitled to go to your daughter's christening, but then I am old... 😆 and other people view these events differently to me these days!!!
I also like AKs idea of contributing to your daughter's outfit too.
Insofar as rugby is concerned, we had the same thing with a client who had a football season ticket and still wanted to go on the weekends he had contact. The thing is, contact is for contact with you and your daughter. While I understand that your partner and daughter have girlie time as do the extended family, the courts look at the contact as being between you and daughter, not anybody else. Saying that there is no court action at present and I agree with AK57. I am only raising that because you say there are other difficulties with contact. Is probably best keeping quiet about playing rugby for now!!!
Hi there 🙂
The question about the christening is a tough call....I should think your daughter would want you there, but I can also understand your concerns about arguments flaring up.....whilst you might be able to keep things civil, you have no control over the other family members. A happy medium might be to attend the church service but not the party afterwards. That way you will share that special occasion with your daughter. 🙂
As far as the weekend Rugby.....I'm in agreement with ak57...perhaps you could involve your daughter and girlfriend and get them to don their scarves and go along and support you. I was under the impression that these weekend sporting events are much more family orientated these days!
Thanks for the feed back guys, much appreciated, some times you get too focused on the wrong things and it takes an outsider looking in to point it out!
In regard to the christening, i have mixed views, i hear what everyone is saying but i still have some reservations as we are not religious at all and so whilst it would be a nice event it ultimately doesnt mean anything to anyone. my daughter doesnt know about it yet we have decided to work it out between us before we tell her, and i dont think she would care about what the christening actually means, to her it will just be a day about her and her brother where she gets to wear a lovely dress, get splashed with a bit of water and has a fun day! that said i also dont see anything wrong with getting it done and even if she doesnt understand why my daughter would love it so i think i will take the advice given, help out with the ceremony and dress, and attend with all my family, if the ex and her family wish to have a party afterwards then they can sort that out themselves.
im glad people agree with me on the rugby, have had a few arguements with my mum about this! typically the women i ask about this tend to think i shouldnt play, whilst the men think i should, dont know if thats because generally (of the people i know) more men have been involved in sports teams then women and so can relate more to what it means to be part of that or maybe is more of a female nuturing thing or even just a coincidence?. Enyamachaela in regard to your final paragraph that is the flip side of the arguement i often have in my head! but one of my current thoughts are if my daughter wanted to do a club or sport on a saturday that would be time i wouldnt see her but she would want to do it, and im sure every one would agree that i should encourage this, so if my daughter is doing something she wants, hanging out with my partner (yes it came about because im doing something i want) should i not encourage this is the same way? in regard to the ex's opinion on this it has never been mentioned, she knows i play rugby and when i drop my daughter off on a sunday and i am cut up and bruised or sporting a black eye that wasnt there on the friday i picked her up, so i think she knows but nothing is ever said, i think she sees it as my time with my daughter and i can spend that however i like. weather permitting my partner and daughter do come along to cheer me on, which i love! ultimately i guess it will be different for everyone and what works for some might not for others. but rugby season doesnt start till september so i have plenty of time to think about it and make sure i get the right balance for me and my daughter.
thanks for the replies
RugbyDad
I think you're doing the right thing. You are supporting your daughter, it's her special day and all her family should share it, whether you're religious or not! It's great to have an opportunity to make your little girl feel special 🙂
Both ak57 and I are women, you shouldn't be so quick to stereotype us! 😆
Hi Rugbydad
I think you are doing the right thing about the christening too!
Being involved in the law, I just needed to point out to you how the Courts may look at it. however, as you said, you have been dropping your daughter off when you are battered and bruised, she would have had the opportunity by now to have complained about it! 🙂
PS I am female! I don't care if you play or not...I cant stand sport!!! 😆
Sorry if anyone thought i was sterotyping in my comment it was not a judgement more an observation on how amoungst my close friends and family the opinion split also happened to closely follow the gender split.
My appologies if i have offended anyone that was never my intention!
.... 😆 ... no offence taken RugbyDad! I love footy and my Dad was a cricket man ...but I strongly suspect that had more to do with the beer tent! 😉
Thank you both! i dont think it would have been a great start to using this forum if i had!
Ha ha you have good taste there ak57! its the main reason we play wearing short shorts!
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