[Solved] My ex is bullying our son! 🙁

Hello and welcome. This sounds like an unfortunate situation and I appreciate there are two sides to a story however it is clear this situation is stressing you out.

Why do you think your partner is not happy with the statement?

What do you think he hopes to achieve by speaking to the council?

Presumably both parents have rights to discuss and should feel free to raise concerns with the psychologist.

I extrapolate that he is on the cusp for extra needs - is he at mainstream school at the moment. Reading about kids gloves is concerning. There are a lot of allegations - how do you know your son saw them having [censored]?

Is there perhaps a neutral person you can mediate through because he is fast approaching an age where schooling decisions need to be made.

BW

Thanks for your reply, I have no idea what his thoughts are as he won't tell me.

My son is not on the cusp but up until now he was always in private school, supported by me. The councils don't give out educational statements when children are privately educated as the assume the parents have the means to provide for them, so I moved him to try & get the extra help. My ex has no idea what goes on as he has never been to a school our son has been to before - nor has he wanted to know about it.

My son tells me he has seen them having [censored] & when I asked his father he told me it was correct, he told me that our son should have made more noise when coming in the house so they new to stop. This was the middle of the day. He was trying for a baby with his previous ex, so he would tell our son to wait downstairs with a film while him & his gf go upstairs & 'do some work', but my son always knew what was happening.

He had no input into the psychologist visit & all the statementing paperwork has my name only on it as he didn't have anything to add or ask to be involved.

I have no doubts at all that the things our son tells me are true, he was most distressed by what his father said to him, as he hates swearing with a passion.

How did him getting PR come about? Was this because the father approached you and ask to be involved?

I understand that you are concerned but as contact has been amicable up to now and he has a fair amount of contact, perhaps he feels suitably integrated now and wants to take a fuller role. Perhaps he hasn't felt involved and that is why he has taken a back seat up until now.

What if you were to start involving him, maybe go together to the council office so that he can address any concerns he has....it might just be a matter of putting his mind at rest and having a part to play. If he was brought into the picture he might have a better understanding of your sons difficulties and that will help him be more tolerant.

Because of your sons special needs and learning difficulties do you think you are more anxious than you could be? I fully understand a mothers needs to over compensate when we have a child that is in need of extra help...

If there is no contact order in place then you can stop contact but the consensus is that it's important to have both parents involved in a child's life. There are bound to be times when separated parents disagree, the best way to deal with this is through mediation....for your sons sake you need to keep communicating and try and work things out. Your son could be picking up on your anxiety and reacting to that, maybe he saying he doesn't want to go and see his dad because h e thinks that what you want.

Here's a link to the mediation service, it's worth a try and it will give you the opportunity to discuss the issues over girlfriends and his inappropriate behaviour. www.nfm.org.uk ...you might be eligible for legal aid for this service so here's a link to check this www.gov.uk/check-legal-aid

You might also like to consider Relate....they are experts on family breakdown and have counsellors available to help you talk things through, here's a link www.relate.org

It does seem to me that your ex has no real interest in anyone but himself - if his girlfriends at the time were buying gifts for your son, and he wasn't, it makes me wonder whether his contact with your son was just a way of making him sound more caring than he appears to be.

I do wonder, however, why you are reluctant to show you ex the report. If you have serious concerns for his wellbeing when with his father, then an option might be to stop contact, and explain to him that he needs to go to court to get a contact order for defined contact. Again, though, you need to explore all other options, including mediation before you do this, unless the psychologist recommends otherwise.

atcd - thanks for the reply. There are 2 reports, one I had done 2 years ago & one that was done for this statement. The one 2 years ago I paid £700 for & he could have seen it any time over the past 2 years & he wanted me to get it back from the council so his new gf could read it! Sorry, that's just not going to happen!
The most recent report was only done a few weeks ago & I only got my copy yesterday, its quite distressing reading & like many official things, uses 10 words when 1 would suffice so I need time to digest it. I have told him that once the statement is completed.....he's welcome to read all of it. (or have it read to him as he can't read) - my reasons for being reluctant to have his involvement is because he's never wanted to have it until about a week ago & he has no idea of the severity of the problems our son has. He thinks he's just 'a little bit behind' & shouldn't be given a PC to use because it will stop him learning to write. If he sat in a room with a professional & they asked him what was wrong with our son, he wouldn't be able to tell them, the most would be he's behind in his reading. With that in mind I don't want him to potentially stop the statement through lack of knowledge & its also lack of interest. Our son desperately needs this help.
Most of the time my son is with him he is looked after by granny & usually spends one night out of the 2 with her.

The psychologist didn't mention him at all in the report other than writing he spends alternate weekends there. In the 'parents' section she only wrote my name.

I can see your reasoning - what worries me is whether you are giving your ex ammunition in court by delaying him having a copy - you have to ask what it will look like to a judge if your ex says in court that you wouldn't give him sufficient time to see it, so I'd seriously consider giving him a copy. I don't see that your ex will be able to do a great deal without the court saying so, and with an expert report to back up what you want to do, I can't see how a judge would consider that you weren't acting in your son's best interests.

I think what actd is saying is right, unfortunately! LOL! But if you stopped contact and he made an application, the Court would see that you were withholding information.

However I do get what you are saying re the statementing, it is a long drawn out process to go through. So I fully understand your reasons behind your fears that he may try to do something to prevent it, but if the report is such bad reading, the LA would go on the report, not on what your ex says, and I suspect that they are used to parents refusing to accept their children need help.

However the fact he ignores your sons needs, or has [censored] or continues [censored] when your son goes to the property, I think is wrong. Don't get me wrong ...I am sure we have all had to do the mad scramble at some time or another! But to continue the act as the ex does is wrong, as is going against your request not to have your child meet new girlfriends until the relationship is more stable.

I would go to mediation so you can discuss it with a mediator and the mediator can point out the error of his ways too! If you are on a low income/benefits, you may be entitled to Legal Aid.