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Need help with my alleged controlling coercive behaviour allegations

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Ok so this is complicated!  Thinks its best to put here what notes I have compiled over the last 10 months.  Im struggling to get help on what do.  I really want a conclusion as to the allegations of alleged controlling coercive behaviour.


All events noted here can be proven with text message copies.


On July 6th, 2023, I came downstairs as my ex was not in bed.  I asked her if she was ok.  She stood up and got aggressive instantly.  She was shouting at me about the time when I went on holiday a couple of weeks after we met (20 years ago).  She was mad as I only admitted to her a few months earlier that I had gone on holiday with an amicable ex-girlfriend.  I originally said it was a friend. I admitted this was a mistake but didn't intend any malice.  


I was trying to get her to calm down as she was going to wake the kids up with the shouting.  I went upstairs.  She followed me and proceeded to push me onto the bed several times, not letting me stand up.  She was shouting about how I had made her life [censored] for the last 20 years.  She put her fist in my face and said she should [censored] punch me so I can feel the pain she has.  I called the Police and held the phone in the air - I told her that I would hang up if she let me out of the bedroom.   She eventually did and I left home at approximately 5:30 am.  


My ex then proceeded to text me, repeating the same things over and over and calling me names.  Bell end, mother [censored] and a sweaty [censored].


She was texting me (and has done multiple times since the break up) that I have held her in a coercive and controlling relationship.


This was completely out of character for her and I had no idea why she had turned so violent.  I knew she was not happy about the holiday 20 years ago, but to act like this was bizarre.


I concluded that she was having this personality change through a drug-induced psychosis.  

The following is what made me think this.  I also spoke to one of my customers that is ex CID and she agreed -


May and June are always a bad time for my ex as there are anniversaries of her mum's illness, death and birthday.  During this May and June (2023) my ex had been what I described as burnt out.  I did tell her this but obviously, it can be hard for the person that is burnt out to recognise this.   I called her GP in confidence to let her know that she was having a bottle of wine every night, and surely it must be interfering with her other medications.   This must still be on the GP notes.  I spoke to my ex about her drinking several times but got told repeatedly “You're not my dad”.


She never went to bed on 17th June, 1st July or 5th July.

1st July was a rave.  She came home in the morning and took a bottle of wine up to the bedroom at 10 am.

My ex told our daughter, then 17 about what alcohol and drugs she had taken.  Sophie asked her not to carry on talking about it as she felt uncomfortable.  Jen asked Sophie not to talk to her Alder Hey therapist about it. (she has a therapist due to anorexia)


My ex took our daughter to the ASDA one evening.  Our daughter asked her mum to turn the music down in the car but she refused and shouted at Sophie.   Sophie ended up in the Subway bathroom crying and phoning xxxx (our friend) for support. My ex left her there.


On another occasion during this period my sister phoned my ex .  I was cooking in the kitchen. my ex told my sister that she had some MDMA and was doing gardening.


Jen texted our daughter from upstairs asking Sophie to get her own medication on another occasion during this period (ex would normally give it to her) as she was “too high”


Ex text me on 17th June at 4:09 am “I’m so sorry please don’t be mad with me but we got carried away and I’m absolutely [censored]. Gonna try sleep now but won’t be in any fit state to drive in the morning or look after the kids. So sorry xxx”


When I left I stayed with my sister for a few weeks.  Ex told my sister that I have a medial mental episode going on so can’t go to her home until I’ve addressed them.


She told my sister that I’ve got dementia, I’m a misogynist and I am I’m coercive.


Ex got the locks changed on all doors of our home.  She told my sister that she was afraid of what I would do if I went there.  She will be OK as she has done self-defence classes.  But she’s worried about the kids.


Even with all of this, I have tried to maintain things as peacefully as possible.  I haven’t demanded a house sale or custody of kids.  


She has convinced our kids that I am controlling and coercive. (25, 18 and 15 year olds)


I have provided a new car so our daughter can get to college and all her medical appointments.  I have paid all of the mortgage payments so the family home is still there.  I have been paying 5 mobile phone bills.  Home insurance, Life insurance, car tax, pocket moneys, and all Christmas and birthday costs too.


My ex doesn't seem to be doing the same.  As an example, on Mother's Day, I wanted to take the kids to see my Mum, same as every year.  But I was told “No thanks we’ve made plans for tea” I questioned this and she said “Things are different now, that’s the way it has to be”


My ex came around with my daughter unannounced on Sat 18th 2024. She was saying I was lying to the kids about my new partner. My ex had found out about her by presumably (may be wrong) by opening my mail. She asked me why was I lying to the kids - not saying I was going with a new partner. (I said I was going with friends - I could have said nothing at all as it was midweek, and I don't see the kids midweek). I explained that we were not at the stage of telling people as we were unsure of what was happening 100% ourselves. My ex told me that she hates me in front of our daughter.  

I tried to get the point across that all I tried to do over 20 years was to be a family man. I mentioned how I was never one to go out drinking etc, and making sure we always had holidays as an example. My ex said that was an example of me being controlling.


This trip to my home was not a good idea as our daughter sent a text to a mutual friend asking her to keep an eye on her dad as she worried he may harm himself after a very difficult conversation. (or words to that effect)


I asked my ex (21st May 2024) if our son (15) was doing his walking exercise as I can if she can't do it. I also asked for an update on our daughter's PIP application.  

I was told to stop the controlling, demanding and condescending talk. [Censored] off and wind your neck in. You're a despicable piece of [censored] and so is (new partner). (My new partner is an old friend of my ex that I started dating a few months ago. My ex has not seen or spoken to (new partner) in almost a year after a fallout)


Because of this latest accusation of being controlling, I went to the Police Station on the day I received the above text. I explained that I was being accused of holding my ex in a controlling relationship for 20 years, and what advice can they give for it to be investigated. The officer said she could only proceed if I was wanted. I asked if I could hand myself in as it is a criminal offence. She said no - and to seek legal advice.


I deny the accusation of being controlling and coercive over 20 years. There is no way I could have been like this with a woman like my ex. She is very strong-willed and would never accept anything like this. Friends and family have never seen any such negative actions from me.

My role was always to work hard and provide for my family with all the things we needed.  



This topic was modified 4 weeks ago by Midori28
Topic starter Posted : 26/05/2024 11:22 am
Honorable Member

That must be very upsetting for you.  Perhaps you need to consider what you'd like to happen - children with you? divorce?  Two are adult and can make their own minds up.  Your daughter and the youngest seem to have special needs so will need looking after.  There are some useful guides on the website which will explain the process of divorce and child arrangements.  You could use AppClose for communicating with your ex about the children.  Messages cannot be deleted so if she is abusive that will be on record.  Mediation could be a way forward.  Its cheaper and quicker than court

Posted : 27/05/2024 6:08 pm

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