Hi, I'm new to the forum. Also recently separated with 2 kids.
I'm due to start mediation tomorrow with the key issues being money (equity release in the bank, equity in the house we own, a deed of trust suggesting I own less of the house, arguably agreed to by me under duress), childcare (we've agreed 4:3 to her, I'm paying slightly above what the gov calculator suggests I need too). I'd like 50/50 down the line (kids are 5 and 8, I live in a small 2 bed flat near to original home/school) but I have concerns I won't get it with my wife being seen as the primary carer. Other issues include her moving on with a new partner already despite her blaming me for the breakdown of our marriage. She wants him to be able to stop already and is asking about him meeting the kids (they've been in a relationship less than 6 months). It's hard to be objective but what I don't want to do is end up funding my wifes lifestyle and keep her in the family home (she can't afford the mortgage alone) while she moves another guy in when the kids are with me.
Fundamentally I want what's best for the kids, I believe that's 50/50 childcare (money not a factor), with them staying in the family home to avoid any unnecessary further disruption, and to be able to move on with my life to either rent or ideally buy a home for all 3 of us.
Any general advice would be welcomed and as mediation progresses I'm sure I'll have lots more questions.
Thanks
Matt
hi,
I would suggest to give priority to children's arrangements. if you live close to them and their school, can show that you can be flexible and manage school runs etc and explain how 50/50 arrangements would benefit kids.
Thanks Bill. Had our first mediation session yesterday and mediator helped my wife understand it's perfectly reasonable for me to get involved in the kids medical/dental appointments for example, she was reluctant to agree. I made sure 50/50 was discussed and made it clear I won't ask for that until my personal circumstances improve in terms of where I live. What worries me is she will dictate to me with the finances and actually I'm powerless to move on financially, which then has a knock on effect.
@wylesmatt - I hope the mediation proves helpful going forwards. It's an unsettling time for all of you. I would simply encourage you to keep as involved as you can with your children, making it a priority to spend time with them whenever you can. Look for simple but fun things you can do together - it doesn't have to be expensive - maybe just going to the park, baking cookies, doing lego - but just spending time together will help your relationship with them, will reassure them, and will give both you and them opportunities to listen and to talk. Don't be afraid to keep telling them you love them! Kind regards, Fegans Parent Support Volunteer
@caravan Thanks for your reply. I think I'm, doing a decent job of it with the kids although my current housing situation makes that very challenging. When the kids are not around I find it a real struggle emotionally. There's a lot of hurt to deal with anyway but my wife has moved on already and he's been to stop in the family home without my consent, and will apparently be meeting the kids soon. This is all being played out on social media also, adding to it. We discuss finances next time at mediation, I've looked into our mortgage and have found some irregularities (she used to manage the money). So it's layer after layer of difficulty and I just want to be through it.
@wylesmatt Hello - reading through the threads, it reads to me like you are doing everything that you can to ensure the best for your children. I understand how difficult it must be for you to see your ex partner moving on with her life, but I would echo what Caravan said about making sure you continue your great work in the relationship you have with your children and focus on keeping building that. Children remember how much time you spend with them and how you encouraged and praised them, rather than other aspects like material things, for example.
Can I suggest that for the benefit of your own mental health you perhaps take a break from social media for a while? This can make us more anxious or emotional when we read or see things that appear "perfect", but very often are not as good as we are led to believe.
Have you someone that you can confide in? A close friend or relative that you connect well with? It may be beneficial to go to your GP and tell them that you are struggling emotionally and mentally with everything and then they can signpost or refer you to a counsellor.
Also if it helps you, write your feelings down, note down any positive things that have been said or have happened with your children. Make plans for the next time you have them - involve them so you can all look forward to it together.
Don't be hard on yourself - you are going through a life changing situation which at the moment has lots of challenges. Take it one day at a time and celebrate the little things, keep in touch with the children's school and any other activities they are involved with, because as their Dad you are just as important, and have a right to show an interest in how they are progressing.
I wish you all the very best, and also with the future mediation sessions - well done for doing that.
Fegans Parent Support Volunteer.
Thanks for the reply. I've abstained from social media for a while despite some prods that felt designed to taunt me.
We've just had our second session of mediation, focussed mainly on the finances. Sometimes hard to see a way through all of this.