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Unique circumstances - advice needed

 
aqsw1223
(@aqsw1223)
Active Member Registered

I have, what I believe, are unique circumstances with child arrangements & need some advice if anyone has any. 

Me & ex split (badly) last year after 16 years - she has being nothing but abusive, vindictive & manipulative ever since - trying her hardest to make my life hell - with social services referrals, police involvement and the inability to be amicable or reasonable whatsoever. 

We have two children - one is 13 and the other is 7. Upon splitting, it was at first agreed that we would have 50/50 custody of the kids. The kids had being told of this. 

We continued living in the family home whilst I looked for somewhere to rent (Covid made this near impossible). 

One day out of the blue, she blew her lid - screaming & shouting at the eldest and made her find somewhere to live for the rest of the week (I was at work) so she could move out and go live at her dads 30 minutes away - taking the youngest with her. 

Ever since then, the eldest has chosen and wanted to live with me, and Mum has therefore treat her with the same vindictiveness as she has me. Constant argumentative texts, verbal abuse, name calling, berating and eventually just ignored her altogether. With some persuasion from me, she has on several occasions tried to have a relationship with her Mum - she went to stay at Mums dads for a night - and was subjected to "everyone is disappointed in you, your dad wont be there forever, your dads a rubbish dad" type behavior. When Mum found a new place, she was going to go for a weekend - Mum had an argument in the street with her and told her she didn't care if she never came to the house again & told her the youngest was her priority now. On one occasion, both kids have witnessed Mum shouting, screaming & aggressive to the point I had to dial 999 and lock her out. Over and over again any attempts at forming a relationship have been met with push back one way or another. 

I believe its emotional abuse on the eldest - checking the NSPCC website and 80% or so of the types of emotional abuse have being inflicted. The ex is a narcissist - she has fallen out with everyone and anyone who has disagreed with her ever since and there is no reasoning with her. She believes she is right, and everyone else is wrong and that ideology will never change no matter what she does. 

Since moving out, she told me I could have the youngest every other weekend Friday - Sunday. I've tried to take her out for tea when I could (covid permitting), and also extended weekends when there have being bank holidays, Xmas etc etc. She moved 30 minutes away and changed youngest's school without asking - just to make it impossible for joint custody. 

Since moving out, the eldest has only stayed with her 1 night (at Mum's Dads), and has had absolutely no time with her whatsoever due to the things shes seen and experienced. 

I have being constantly accused of manipulating the eldest into this, preventing her from seeing her Mum, preventing her from speaking to her. Told I should be forcing her screaming and kicking if I have to, into her Mums house to stay every other weekend. But in the same sentence, I'm told if the youngest doesn't want to come to mine she wont force her to. 

Fast forward to more recently, and she was advised to try mediation - which I agreed to. She had her first MIAM meeting and things went downhill from there - her behavior turned even more erratic. My belief is the mediator has said they wont be able to force contact between her & eldest. 

The arrangements which had worked OK for the 10 months were suddenly up in the air & I was told contact arrangements would be discussed at mediation. Pickup/drop off changed from alternating at each others houses to a supermarket car park in the meantime. Frequent video calls between the two kids stopped. 

I was then told I couldn't have her at my house as the youngest had accused the eldest of punching her on numerous occasions (incorrectly). Mum reported this to social services, then refused there request to speak to youngest's school to see if she required emotional support. I overrode this decision, and no concerns were identified. I was told I could have the youngest (away from my house) for a couple of hours a week without the eldest being there. This changed 2 days later to I wasnt having any contact with her at all. Requests for phone contact were ignored. Emails (I'm blocked on phone/whatsapp etc) were ignored. 

I went to the house to try and speak to her/see my youngest. The police were called and she tried getting the police to arrest me for harassment (police agreed it wasnt unless I came back to the house). I didnt get to see youngest, and was instead told via the police officer that Mum had said there would be no contact. Further emails following from ex have said youngest doesnt want to see me, and hasnt mentioned me. Refusing any contact whatsoever until it goes to court. Telling me she wants a relationship with the eldest, so court is the route it needs to go down. 

I have therefore completed the C100 form last week & sent off. 

Its being 3 weeks since I've spoken to, or seen my youngest - despite seeing her every fortnight for the past 10 months. 

Her new boyfriend of 4 weeks has all but moved in, and I'm told by people that were close to her that my youngest is being allowed to call him Daddy. 

 

I'm hoping a court date is set sooner rather than later, does anyone have any advice - what to do beforehand, what to expect, whats likely to happen? 

 

I've read allsorts of forum posts, websites etc - some have said I can ask for an interim contact order on the first hearing. Some have said sometimes this is only supervised contact (but dont know if this would be the same considering I already have one child). 

 

Thanks in advance - sorry its long (I tried to condense the best I could!) 

 

Quote
Topic starter Posted : 08/06/2021 9:48 am
Champagne
(@champagne)
Estimable Member

Thats a very sad story but unfortunately its not unique.  You've done the right thing by submitting a C100.  The court will ask for reports and the views of your eldest will be taken into consideration and I don't expect the court will make her see her mother if she doesn't want to.  Others will have personal experience of this situation.  You may need a solicitor to sort out the finances especially if you both own the family home.  Many will offer half an hour free advice to start with so you can get a feel of what is going to be the likely outcome

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Posted : 08/06/2021 11:07 am
aqsw1223 liked
actd
 actd
(@actd)
Illustrious Member

I can't add too much, but in my case around 15 or so years ago, my daughter was 12 or 13 at the time, and refused to see her mother, and the courts said that with reluctance, they accepted her decision. The difference was that I had both my daughters, not just one.

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Posted : 08/06/2021 12:48 pm
aqsw1223 liked
warwickshire1
(@warwickshire1)
Honorable Member Registered

Certainly not unique circumstances . Very common and something that is going to get worse before it gets better now court proceedings are about to commence.

What i will strongly advise is to not attend ex partners address or get involved in any arguments now you have made a court application. Communication should be only be to arrange contact or child related issues . Ideally contact should be encouraged if you can, but no doubt there is a serious lack of trust now between you. Could you not arrange that maybe mum has your older one during week and you pick your younger up from school during week and drop her off in morning so u dont have to see your ex partner and arrange it via email/whatsapp

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 08/06/2021 10:30 pm
aqsw1223 liked
Bill337
(@bill337)
Famed Member

hi,

I would advise that you remain very calm. as she has kept kids from seeing you, there is not much point in messaging her about it. the replies you get might provoke you and make things worse. hope you can get a court date soon and sort this out. stay away from her house, or school to be on safe side.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 08/06/2021 10:33 pm
NellGC and aqsw1223 liked
aqsw1223
(@aqsw1223)
Active Member Registered
Posted by: @champagne

Thats a very sad story but unfortunately its not unique.  You've done the right thing by submitting a C100.  The court will ask for reports and the views of your eldest will be taken into consideration and I don't expect the court will make her see her mother if she doesn't want to.  Others will have personal experience of this situation.  You may need a solicitor to sort out the finances especially if you both own the family home.  Many will offer half an hour free advice to start with so you can get a feel of what is going to be the likely outcome

The family home sold earlier this year thankfully and is all sorted, one less tie to her. 

ReplyQuote
Topic starter Posted : 09/06/2021 8:41 am
aqsw1223
(@aqsw1223)
Active Member Registered
Posted by: @warwickshire1

Certainly not unique circumstances . Very common and something that is going to get worse before it gets better now court proceedings are about to commence.

What i will strongly advise is to not attend ex partners address or get involved in any arguments now you have made a court application. Communication should be only be to arrange contact or child related issues . Ideally contact should be encouraged if you can, but no doubt there is a serious lack of trust now between you. Could you not arrange that maybe mum has your older one during week and you pick your younger up from school during week and drop her off in morning so u dont have to see your ex partner and arrange it via email/whatsapp

 

I assumed the children in two separate homes would be unique, I've had social workers tell me its a unique situation to them but I guess there's all sorts of circumstances elsewhere. 

Im certainly staying away from her house. I've being emailing asking how my youngest is, whether I can speak to her, whether I can see her. These just get point blank ignored now. 

Eldest is refusing point blank to see Mum whatsoever - and has said she would rather run away if that was her only option. As above, no amount of reasoning or trying will work though as I'm blocked/ignored on everything. Even the eldest is blocked so couldnt speak to her Mum if she wanted to. 

ReplyQuote
Topic starter Posted : 09/06/2021 8:45 am
aqsw1223
(@aqsw1223)
Active Member Registered
Posted by: @bill337

hi,

I would advise that you remain very calm. as she has kept kids from seeing you, there is not much point in messaging her about it. the replies you get might provoke you and make things worse. hope you can get a court date soon and sort this out. stay away from her house, or school to be on safe side.

I feel like its all very catch 22. 

I'm worried about emailing asking how my daughter is in case she uses it against me as harassment, then I'm worried if I dont ask shes going to try and use it in court to say I'm not bothering to ask. 

I have being emailing - I've stuck to around once a week so it cant be seen as excessive. I've also started sending a letter in the post to the youngest (which I'm saving a copy of) - the last thing I want is my youngest saying I didn't try or care about her. 

 

I'm very cautious about what I say, how I say it knowing full well it can and will be used against me. Since the breakup she has tried and tried to provoke me and has absolutely hated how calm I've being throughout. Classic narcissist. 

ReplyQuote
Topic starter Posted : 09/06/2021 8:49 am
Clarinet
(@clarinet)
Estimable Member Registered

@aqsw1223 Hello,
Whilst I cannot offer specific advice on your situation, I would like to encourage you to make sure you look after your mental and physical health through all this stress. Have you someone you trust you can talk too? Are you able to eat well and find ways to relax in order for you to sleep? Some people find journaling helps in getting their thoughts out of their minds in order to “clear their heads” a little to be able to focus on getting through each day. It sounds like you are doing as much as you can to sort things out via the correct and legal method, but please remember to look after yourself. Although you are unable to have the relationship you would like to with your children at the moment by behaving like you are in a respectful way towards all concerned will give a positive example to your children. I wish you all the very best and hope that you are able to see them again. 
Kind regards, 

Fegans PSV 

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Posted : 10/06/2021 4:35 pm
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