Hi, I split up with my partner ~3 years ago, we have a daughter together who is just turning 5.
I moved for work soon after we separated and I now live 200 miles away. Access to my daughter is on a fortnightly basis, I have her on a Saturday and a Sunday every two weeks.
This was arranged through her solicitors.
For the last 3 years I have had a constant backlash from her, always unhappy about something or another, last month she had an outburst at me for not using factor 50 sun protection (instead I used factor 30) which ended up in her telling my daughter that I don't care about her safety, this month she is unhappy that I let her play on my iPad.
It's beginning to wear me down, actually it has worn me down to a point where I am a wreck.
A few weeks ago she sent me some audio clips recorded on her phone, in them she was interviewing our daughter and forcing her to say hateful things about me. Like "I hate daddy", "I don't want to see him anymore", etc...
There is no way that she would say these things without being prompted / upset.
I just don't know what to do anymore, I love my daughter, I just can't seem to not let what her mother says get to me.
I've lost 2 stone in weight through worrying about it, I'm a nightmare for people to be around because I am just depressed 24/7, and my anxiety levels are through the roof.
I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time, I anticipate solicitors letters, I think about what she says to my daughter, I'm finding it hard to just focus on my daughter and not let what she says get in the way.
I've tried counselling, medication, going to see my solicitor about her harassing me, I honestly don't know what to do now to stop feeling this anxious / depressed.
My dad has helped because he has been through similar, but I look at the way he talks about life and he said it just takes time and in a few years time my daughter will make her own mind up about things. I just don't think I can take another 3 years of constantly anticipating the next argument / solicitors letter about my being a "pathetic dad".
Hi guy83,
I am so sorry to hear about your problems and the fact that I haven't responded sooner...I don't know how I missed your post.
I am surprised if your solicitor knows about these recordings and he hasn't advised you to take some action over it. You might like to consider reporting this to Childrens Services, it must be extremely distressing for your daughter and can have a lasting effect on her. If you have audio clips on your phone of the mother forcing your child to say hateful things about you then that is clearly psychological and emotional abuse, not to mention parental alienation.
Its very difficult to know what to do for the best but its my feeling that you might begin to feel better if you are actively doing something to stop this behaviour. Has your daughter talked to you about this since you received the recordings?... have you noticed any changes in her behaviour or attitude since this happened?
You could call the NSPCC helpline and ask them for their thoughts on this and what options are open to you....it might help to talk to someone about this.
Oh Guy
I too am sorry not to have seen your post earlier..I am not on here too much at the moment because I have had puppies and my old man and I share the night shift, but I feel like I am jet lagged post of the time! Well no I have not had puppies, but my dog has!! 😆
I assume you have told your Solicitor about these messages? Like NJ I too am surprised that he/she has not advised you of action to take. NJ is right, you will feel much better if you do something proactive about the situation. The ex is trying to control you. And the actions she is taking could have a lasting psychological effect on your child 🙁
I am assuming your daughter is at school now. Have you spoken to the school to see if there are any changes in your daughter? The NSPCC could be a very good start.
Doing something positive will make you feel better too 🙂
Do you continue to seek help for your own medical health?
You aren't a "pathetic dad" you are just allowing your ex to beat you down at the moment, but you have plenty of support in here 🙂
Sometimes when you can find no respite from a problem it becomes all consuming... the pain and distress it causes clouds our reasoning and stop us from seeing any way out of it... I can sense that you are overwhelmed at the moment and its good that you have your dad to support you. He speaks sense... time will make this better, your daughter knows you love her I'm sure and pretty soon she will make her own mind up about what's happening...the best thing you can do is to make sure that you are consistent in her life. The mother is bitter and twisted and the best defence you can have is to not let her affect you in this way, she wants to demoralise you....don't let her succeed.
Hi Guy,
I am myself beginning to kind of understand what alot of dads are going through when it comes to their kids. I'm sadly at the start of my journey of being a "remote dad" much to my dislike. I too have huge issues with my ex.
What I did and it really has helped me loads, was to visit the GP and explain to him that I was constantly down and was not motivated to do anything. Simple jobs like checking online backing were a huge chore for me. I explained to my GP about the issues I was having and ultimately the impact that it would have on my child.
He decided to give me some anti depressants for the low feeling and believe it or not, beta blockers for the anxiety issues I was having.
While people frown upon using medication to help, I believe that if it helps me to help my child i'll do it. It has really helped. I elected for a 6 month treatment. I can think so much more clearer. Yeah, I do have down days, they will always happen but overall much much better.
I would advise a visit to your GP. They can help 🙂
I also think that 99.9% of dads on here are most genuine and want to do whats best for their child(ten) You are a good dad! 🙂
I hope this helps
While people frown upon using medication to help, I believe that if it helps me to help my child i'll do it. It has really helped. I elected for a 6 month treatment. I can think so much more clearer. Yeah, I do have down days, they will always happen but overall much much better.
I think the problem with medication is it's overuse - for short term solutions to allow a longer term non-medicinal solution to have time to take effect, then I think it can be the best way forward, and that sounds exactly what you are doing 🙂