Hi all- come across this forum searching for reassurance. My wife and I are on the edge of separation. Unfortunately the issues we have to overcome are just too great to be together, but we still love each other and have three lovely kids.
After 15yrs out of the single game, having to step in to a new world, having my home and surroundings change, what the impact it will have on our children will be, how we will do it…. it’s all overwhelming and makes me yearn for the prospect of staying together (which will ultimately end in failure again).
Does anyone have any wise words that can make me feel better about what seems impending doom?
Hello surfsup,
thank you so much for being brave and sharing your situation. You have made the first step in recognising that things will change, and have reached out for reassurance.
I am sorry to read that you and your wife are to separate. It is good however that you both care for each other and your children - so that is a good start.
I would advise that you try not to think too far ahead and just focus on one day at a time. It is all we can do sometimes. Your children are going to be affected by how their parents are, so they will need reassurance about what is happening, and explaining that just because mum and dad can’t live together any more they will still see each of you. I would seek counselling for yourself if you are able, it is sometimes good to talk with someone outside your circle of family and friends. And seek counselling for your children too if they need it. If they are of school age this maybe something they can help you with.
keep to routines as much as you can, praise and spend 1-1 time with your children if possible. Quite often children will talk when they are relaxed. Praise helps them to feel encouraged and that you are noticing their progress.
At the moment I would not worry yourself with thinking about dating again - personally I would advise that you need to give yourself time and space to grieve your relationship break up and just “be”. Spend some time being kind to yourself. Take walks, be outside, do what relaxes you and takes your mind off everyday issues. I understand that it must be daunting being on your own, but it would be hard for you to concentrate on too much at once. I think your children will need you. Make some new traditions with your children that you haven’t done before. This way it won’t remind either of you of the “old times”.
Keep your talk about your ex wife as positive as you can in front of your children. Let the children talk about her, celebrate her birthday and Mothering Sunday etc.
I hope this helps, keep in touch on here and don’t be afraid to reach out. Dad.info, Spurgeons, Care for the Family are all family charities which are there to help families going through difficult times and they offer excellent advice.
Kind regards
Fegans Parent Support
Hi Surfsup,
I'm sorry to hear that you and your wife are facing challenges. I would echo many of @Clarinet's wise words - there is lots of excellent advice there. You clearly love your children, so do keep telling them so, and do whatever you can to keep spending quality time with each of them, keeping routines as calm and as normal as you can. In time, you might find the free online parenting course for separating available through dad.info helpful. If things get tricky, I would encourage you to keep reaching out for support. Family mediation can also be helpful if you need that bit of extra support to work things through.
Take care of each other, and yourself, and keep talking.
Fegans Parent Support
I've been through this (more than once) and it can be scary. The best way I can advise is to become a bit selfish at first, and do stuff that you want to do, concentrate on your own health (mental and physical) and if there are any hobbies you've been putting off trying, now is the time to try them. Once you get yourself in a place you are happy (or at least happier) with, then you also become better for your children, and hopefully can also be more forgiving of yourself, your ex and the situation you are in, and then you will also be in a better place to move forward.
I went on this exact journey at the beginning of 2018 and I too found it incredibly daunting. But the one thing that I found that made it somewhat easier was having a solid plan. If you haven't already drafted one up I strongly suggest doing a financial budget. It will give you a realistic snapshot of where you are and take all the guess work out of rent, groceries, petrol and any other financial obligation you may have. From there you can figure out accommodations. And once you get to that point you have a safe space to come back to in which to process/mourn/ponder/strategize. Do this in a healthy way, don't try and drink away the pain. I tried that and it ended up hurting more. I echo all comments re counselling, I did 10 month of intense and I found it incredibly beneficial.
Don't rush into any type of relationship, this is the time for you to get comfortable figuring out the "new" you. A damaged/not fully healed partner is not what anyone is looking for. You will know when the time is right and you can take reassurance in the fact that there is a still a very fruitful life to be had if only you take a little time out now to work through this change. Back yourself, you are not a failure nor are you unwanted/worthless. Focus now on being the best dad you can be whilst simultaneously trying to stay amicable with the missus - it is in your best interests long term. I found out the hard way......
And check in from time to time, let us know how goes!