[Solved] I’ve given up the fight
It’s with a heavy and broken heart that I’ve given up fighting for years to have my daughter in my life. 4 court battles ( 2 enforcement orders) and now refused access again last week. No reason, just ignored all my messages for contact and wasn’t at the handover point.
I have a family and 2 children with my current partner . We have all suffered enough and I just can’t keep putting us through it anymore. It’s having a huge mental problem on my daughter too as the ex is toxic , bitter and jealous and constantly slags me and my family off to my daughter. Every time I see her, there is something else she is coming out with. It’s definitely parental alienation and there’s nothing I can do . In court, I’ve raised my concerns many times but cafcass , in my opinion, are all one sided. She’s stopped contact many many times for no justifiable reasons and not once as she been told it’s unacceptable.
Everything is a battle . Every slight deviation I ask for ( such as my wedding day ) she will say it’s ok with her but then refuses to allow my daughter to attend . Again, for no real reason.
I’m exhausted, I’m broken and it’s doing the same thing to my wife and other children. I can’t hold my whole life anymore. I know I may sound awful but there’s more to my life than just my daughter, I have a wife and two other children to consider. I can’t keep doing this. So, this time , I’ve decided that I’m giving up. It’s breaking my heart to but equally it’s breaking me and my family anyway to keep fighting and getting no where.
Has anyone ‘ let go’ ? Is there any advice you can give me? I’m going to continue my maintenance and I’m thinking of opening up a savings so I can pay into that too. Also. creating an email address that I’ll email pictures, thoughts and just general details to for when my daughter is older. I’ve kept every single important text and court paper so she can see that I did try my hardest and also how toxic her mother is. I realise I’ll be the ‘ bad dad who walked away ‘ as her mother will fill her with this but I’m hoping by keeping this evidence, one day, I can have my say.
Thanks for reading .
I'm so sad reading this, but I can't say I have anything but admiration for how much you've tried and I know that this cannot be an easy decision. How old is your daughter as a matter of interest?
Can you see her one more time to explain what you are doing - is she old enough to understand that?
The only thing I can suggest, in addition to your email account, is to write letters and post them, perhaps monthly, plus of course birthday and xmas cards, and keep copies of all of them, so that when she is older, she can read them all and understand that her mother withheld them (assuming she will), there's something more about reading a letter from someone than reading an email.
Whatever your ex says to poison her mind, at some point when she's old enough, she will make her own decisions and understand what really happened.
Please don't give up, I know its hard, but please dont. I have felt like giving up various times, but I will never walk away form them, my kids need me, and I am sure your daughter needs you. If your ex is breaching the order, keep taking it back to court, they will get sick of her antics and hopefully come down hard on her and could possibly punish her with fines, community service etc.
If you walk away, your ex wins, she will use all that time to tell your daughter you walked away from them, that will grow in to hatred and will be hard to fix. Keep fighting, it will be worth it in the end.
Thank you for your reply. It’s not as easy for me to just keep going. I’ve been diagnosed with depression, my wife is currently going through counselling and my other children are regularly made to cry because of the things my daughter is being told to say to them by my ex.
The absolute last thing I ever want to do is just give up but there are other lives that are being severely impacted by this situation. Not to mention the mental tol this has on my daughter with the constant drip feeding of lies and negative remarks about me and my wife/other children. I am absolutely started to dread my contact with her because its always so negative and im on egg shells wondering what she will come out with next,
I have fought her at every single hurdle for 5 years. I have nothing left. I am broken . The courts have done nothing . I have voiced many times , with legal representation too, what my ex is doing and time and time again nothing is ever done. Yet I am the one who has to jump through every hoop when false allegations are made about me and my partner. Such as drug test, observations with me and my daughter because I apparently have a no relationship with her. All of which have been disproven. Yet, she still does as she chooses without any consequence. I totally agree I’ll be made out to be the bad dad but I am already! Everything I do is wrong or made to be in a negative light. An example, I wasn’t ‘ allowed’ to know the school she was attending. I rang round every single one until I got somewhere , I then had to prove I was her biological father with PR. I attended every parents evening, kept in contact with the school, attended all events and then my daughter was told to tell me by her mother that a good dad would stay away from school as it’s ‘ confusing ‘ for the school having to deal with both parents. Another was I was sat in court and overheard ex and her mother saying that a ‘ decent father’ wouldn’t drag the mother to court.
My wife isn’t ‘ allowed’ to touch my daughters hair or tell her off, my daughter isn’t ‘ allowed’ to play with my other children . The list goes on . I have tried absolutely every Avenue/ approach I can think of.
Thank you for your reply. My daughter is 7.
She's refusing contact again. I have tried several times but my messages/calls are being ignored.
Yes, i was thinking of acknowledging birthdays/xmas ect but i know my ex will just either chuck whatever i buy or just say its from her.Its a good idea to make copies though of cards i send/letters.
That is my hope, that one day when she can be less manipulated by her mother, that she or i can get in contact again and i can explain what happened/show her the evidence and hope she understands that i just couldn't mentally and physically keep going through it.I want nothing more than to have my daughter in my life, but the reality is its becoming impossible yes, I can go back to court for a third enforecemnet but it takes so much mental and physical energy just to end up in the same position in another years time.
The problem is. my ex is very jealous of my wife. She has a good career, is beautiful inside and out and has made me very happy. My ex has openly admitted that she envies my wife and 'doesn't want her near our daughter'. Even going to the extreme of threatening to burn my wife's house down ( when we didn't live together)
The point i suppose I am trying to make, is the foundation of my problems is my ex's attitude and bitterness. Unless that changes, no court order will stop her poisoning my daughter but the bottom line is, she just doesn't want me or my wife/other children to see her. She is aware we are a happy family unit ( i do not rub it in her face in any way) but she is just jealous. Its strange, because she has had other partners since too but still doesn't change her toxic ways. I was hoping that if she found someone else it may help but it doesn't appear to help at all. I left my ex ( was nothing to do with any other person) and she said to me and mutual friends many times that " he will come running back, he is nothing without me "Well, i didn't and i don't think she has ever 'got over' that. Until her mindset changes the same problems will be there.
I think you are probably correct about your ex's mindset.
My ex wife died recently and my kids found lots of photos of me (just me, or us together, not with the kids) - I thought that was strange, but although I think she'd had the odd partner over the years, I think she always thought that I couldn't be happy without her, and was bitter that I was. I was fortuntely in a different position to you in that my kids lived with me, but something that may give you hope - however badly my ex treated my kids, both when we were together and afterwards, they gave her a number of chances to redeem herself (I never got in the way of that, she was their mother however I felt about her) and the only reason they didn't keep in contact with her was because she blew it every time, if she'd been kind towards them, they would have had a good relationship with her, and that's what you hopefully have to look forward to, even if it's a way off.
sounds like you have been through a lot. it's very sad. I have a 7 year old child too. if I were you I would throw the dice one last time, with an enforcement application 🙂
I am sorry you are going through this, but if she is not allowing contact for no good reason, then she is breaching the child arrangement order. Take her back to court, show them how unreasonable she is being.
I have a hearing coming up soon for an enforcement, they told me to write a statement how she has breached it, i have proven 4 breaches in total and they said to her on the initial phone hearing, if proven, she will face a punishment, they mentioned un paid work to her, she denies it of course, but I will prove she has. Do not let her win, give it one last shot before giving up. Do you mind me asking how old your daughter is? Maybe cafcass can speak with her again and get her thoughts on it all.
Ferfer his daughter is 7.
I know exactly where you're coming from, I've been battling wether to give up for the past 7.5 years, as you say it mentally, financially, physically ruins you, My Girl turns 7 this weekend and I'm trying to suss how I'm going to get through it without seeing her, I feel so sorry for the poor kid not being with her Dad on her Birthday it breaks my heart.
I'm currently going through court for the 3rd time and hoping I can come out with a more solid order than I've had in the past, Like yourself many a time I've wanted to give up, I've been broken and suicidal twice the last one quite recently.
Over the years I've met so many Men who lost contact with their child due to walking away after suffering what we have to and met up with their children when they're older, a vast majority regret not staying and fighting, some have had brilliant relationships with their children when they're older, some have had their children reject them again as they can't understand why their dad walked away.
I lost contact with my dad at the age of 5 and it really did destroy my life, I never really got over it until my 30's, When I think thats it I'm walking away I think how I felt when my Dad walked out on me and I just can't do it to my Child, I don't blame anyone who walk away and I'm just saying what I'm doing.
I'm single, dont have any family round me, I dont have anymore children so I really feel for you mate, It took me a few weeks to pluck up the courage this time round to apply to court and the same at every stage it takes balls of steel to go court.
I'd give it a go with another enforcement order, see about getting some councelling to help you deal with everything (i just have) and take it baby steps maybe.
really wishing you all the best
Ultimately, it all comes down to the mother. If the mother plays hard ball there is nothing the father can do. There’s a huge mental strain on the dad as he can no longer see his kids whenever he wants and the pain is constantly there however never give up on your kids. God will find a way....
Hello Col420, I have just read all your posts, and I would just like to say how courageous I think you have been in deciding your current course of action. Nothing is set in stone, but you have a lot of people to consider and that cannot be easy. Be encouraged though, through focusing on what and who you do have in your life, and like the other people suggest, keep a record of every little thing you do for your daughter. You must never give up hope that one day she will want to find out more about her dad, and if you've kept a record of your life and how you tried your best to keep a relationship going for her, then she has the opportunity to begin to understand just how much she was still loved by her dad. I wish you all the very best. Kind regards, Fegans Parent Support Volunteer.