[Solved] let go and divorce or hold on
I'd like your input.
I've been married for 2 years and we had our first child 8 months ago.
Until then, we had a happy life. But then, my wife started to have friction with my parents. All summer we fought over my parents, she kept telling me how they hated her and wanted to "separate her from our baby". And by all summer, I mean "pretty much everyday for 6-7-8-9 hours in a row". Combine this with a baby and life was pure hell.
I still don't know if my parents are that bad, but I decided to take my wife side and they haven't seen her (or baby) in a while. But still, now I'm the bad person because I never protected her from my parents.
One day she hates me, the next we cuddle and giggle. She talk about divorce, but then come back to hug me at night. She said she have "dark thoughts" and we'd be happier separated. That anyway she hate her life and the only thing she cares about is our daughter. And later the same day, we kiss and hug.
I tried talking about therapy, she refuses. "communication" is not really a problem, since we talk way too much. And, of course, if someone doesn't agree with her point of view, they are stupid and don't deserve attention.
I love her and I am very afraid to divorce her, especially knowing what that means for my link with my kid for the next year or so. I don't know if it's a post-pregnancy instability, or if she just became like that, or if I'm to blame...But I hate the best for everyone, especially my child, and don't know what to do anymore.
what's your opinions?
Sounds like there is a lot of anxiety in your household adjusting to the reality of a new baby, which I don't think is unusual. You've not been married long, and now have a new addition to adapt to. I've got several sisters and quite a few female cousins. My understanding from some of them is apart from the emotional turmoil of having a new baby, added to worry and continuously disrupted nights which would impact on anyone's rational thinking, babies are hard to 'control', so some mothers try to reclaim some authority by controlling everything else around them, at least for the first few months - so I've been told.
Your wife sounds fragile at the moment, and I guess your hope is that this is just a phase that will soon pass, as it doesn't sound too promising if this develops into a permanent state of mind. Is there anyone else close to her (her mother, a sibling or friend) that you also have some confidence in, that you can quietly share your concerns with, who may also be able to approach her and hopefully get her to reflect on her behaviour and the impact it is having?
It doesn't sound great that you feel you have to take sides against your parents. You could talk the situation through with them and ask for their patience and understanding in this difficult situation, and perhaps at least in the short term you could be sending as many photos and videos of your child to them as possible, so they don't feel completely cut out.
I would still push for counselling, you say that communication isn't a problem, but I actually think it may be - talking isn't the same, and it sounds as though she won't listen to any point of view that doesn't coincide with her own,
Thank you for being so open and sharing your situation. Becoming a new parent can be an overwhelming time, many people assume a happy time, but that is not always the case, initially. Is your wife able to confide in her health visitor or GP about how she is feeling? Would she be open to talking with someone who is outside of your family/friends circle about her fears, concerns regarding her relationship with your parents?
Sometimes when you've had a new baby as a mum, particularly the first one, family relatives, however well meaning, can want to take over and give you advice or suggest ways of parenting. This may not have been the case with your parents, but perhaps something has happened to make your wife feel this way?
I would agree with the other comments on here that there is a difference between "we always talk" and actually proper heart to heart communication. I agree with Toks, that having a quiet word with your parents about how vulnerable and extra sensitive your wife maybe feeling at the moment, and sending photos is a great idea.
Are you both sleep deprived ? This can also affect how you see things, and you don't always say the right things or make the best choices at the time. I experienced this myself after the birth of my first child. I felt useless and didn't want anyone else to take over. I was worried incase I couldn't be a good mum. It all turned out fine, but I did need counselling and lots of understanding from family and friends for the first year and a half.
Sorry I have given you a long reply, but I wish you, your wife and your baby well.
Fegans Parent Support Volunteer