Is it a given that the judge would rule she can stay in the house until son is 18?
Is there any chance at all of any of this going my way?
I'n not sure what you mean by going your way. The court will give priority to the needs of your son and this includes contact with you, his father. The problem is how to achieve this. If your wife is allowed to stay in the house with your son then presumably there will be a mortgage etc to pay and can she afford it? I wonder if you could try seeing a solicitor through Citizens Advice. If there are debts to sort as well as equity in the marital home, its getting quite complicated.
I’m getting a bit confused now Pinkman. Above you said there was no equity in the house - so I’m guessing your wife would just assume the whole mortgage? In that case I can’t really see if it matters to you whether your wife remains in the house or not, does it? If you walk away with no debts but your wife ends up with a large mortgage that sounds fair if there is no equity.
If this goes to court then the guiding principle will be the best thing for your son - which will include access to both parents.
It seems to me (from what you have said) that your wife is able to maintain the house (which her parents paid the deposit for, although that is not material assuming it was a gift and not a loan), has a good job and is able to provide child minding (her parents); you on the other hand earn minimum wage, won’t have any equity (as you tell us there is none in the house), can’t afford suitable accommodation to care for your son overnight and don’t have access to child minding.
Surely you can see the chances of your son not being resident with your wife are nil? That doesn’t mean you can’t see your son - and I suspect a court would like that to happen, but I think it is up to you to put yourself in a position where that is practical. The first thing to do would be to find somewhere to live - without an address the chances of seeing your son will be minimal. You said you don’t drive, so the residence can’t be far from the house and your son’s school. If you can do that (maybe a bed sit or a 1 bed flat) then it would be reasonable for you to have pretty good access to your boy (although probably not overnight). Then you probably have to earn more - you are never going to get far on minimum wage - enough so you can find somewhere better to live and provide some care for your son.
All this sounds harsh - but unless you do something to improve your circumstances you will make it difficult to maintain a good relationship with your son.
This has been going on for months Pinkman, your son will repay you in spades if you improve your lot so you can be a good dad for him - so do it. Get somewhere good to live and earn some more money.
Good fortune to you Pinkman.
O
At the moment things seem quite raw and as hard as it sounds, you need to start focusing on yourself and how you can get yourself a place to stay which is convenient for everybody. Is there any family or friends who can help in any way? Can they lend you some money to put a deposit down for somewhere to rent, maybe discuss this with your ex too. Do you still pay towards the mortgage? will she accept that you cannot afford to pay this when renting elsewhere so can these payments be reduced or stopped? Can you stay at a friends house for a month or so? The living situation is something that needs to be resolved as soon as possible so you can all move forward and you can have regular contact with your son.
I know it sounds unfair, but from what you have said in previous posts about how your ex is feeling and that you are controlling her etc. this could be easily turned in to domestic abuse and then things will be made harder for you if she takes action on this.
Hi
I'd agreed with the others, there is no such thing as your way. It is what is best for your son first and then you and ex next. In relation to divorce, upon divorce you cannot be expected to own a joint asset if you do not want to or cannot afford to. Your ex will need to either buy you out which can be for a nil value (but bank needs to agree to this} or the house will have to be sold. This is the nature of a clean break divorce.
However, in almost all cases you will have to move out. Better to do this sooner rather than being pushed and ending up on bad terms with ex.
In relation to living situation, if you ensure that you maintain a good relationship, then living in a HMO would be your best bet. It is possible to just be a lodger and live with a landlord.. You could then see your child as much as ex allows and you can agree to and manage.. Although overnight stays may be more difficult as you will not have your own place and be dependent on a landlord being kind to allow you to have child stay over for zero or little extra cost.
You have to start getting onto the front foot and putting forward sensible solutions as a way to move forward. Otherwise your ex will tire, your post separation relationship will suffer and you will not get any contact and then have to go through the courts which can be costly..
Good Luck with things, we are all here to help, however you do need to make some decisions to progress things.
Good morn Pinkman,
I checked in again because I’m worried about you. This situation has been going on for 5 months, but you still seem to burying your head in the sand.
There has been some good advice for you in the last couple of days. This problem isn’t going to fix itself if you ignore it, in fact it will get much worse.
The key to this is putting your son first: work out whatever is best for him and do whatever is required to achieve that - everything else will fall into place (it has to).
I can’t help thinking that if you were proactive and came up with a plan then your wife would be receptive to that, and would probably support you (she seems to have been reasonable in the past with agreeing shared residency in principle). Why not go to her with a plan to move out, see if she might help you with the deposit for renting somewhere and agree a sensible plan for you to help support and see your son.
Good fortune Pinkman.
O
The equity in the house will just about cover our marital debts. Which itself is a problem. As all the debt is in her name she is unable to get a mortgage in her sole name. As I can’t really afford to buy my own place she suggested I stay on the mortgage for a few years but she’ll pay it in full and I continue to pay my share of the joint debt. After a few years the debt will be cleared then she can buy me out and I’ll get some cash out of it too. That offer included any equity gained during that time too so it’s a big win for me. But if things change I was in a position to get a mortgage I’m stuck for a few years on this mortgage.
I suggested that we remortgage jointly and consolidate the debt into it and then after 5 years she’s buys me out. I’d pay half of that for that time. She said that was a terrible idea as first off I’d have to pay more per month than I would on her offer and secondly after 5 years, less than 20% of the consolidated debt would have been paid down so she’s still left with a much larger borrowing than needed.
I would recommend you get some advice to sort out the financial arrangements. Living apart is likely to be more expensive and if a line isn't drawn under it now, her debts could spiral and you need to make sure yuo're not responsible in the future
The joint debts consist of two loans (4 actually but she’s taking on 2 of them). They both finish in the same month. She wants a consent order outlining the deal she mentioned, both of our commitments, me not treating the house as my own and not coming round uninvited and also the date I’ll go.
She’s started court proceedings to stop me causing further delays but says she ideally wants us to agree something, get it formalised and move on asap.
Hi Pinkman
I think you are trying to find or wait for a solution that doesn't exist.
Ideally you need to focus on what is right for you to be able to move on and have a clean break. Solutions that tie you together for many years forward are not ideal especially if your circumstances change such as wanting to take out your own mortgage or finding a new partner etc.
If she cannot afford to take on the mortgage and buy you out now then the house needs to be sold. At that point you both move on with your lives and there will be no debts. She will have to find somewhere to live and so will you. It may be renting in the meantime but unfortunately that is what happens in such situations. After all she does want you to move out and therefore you will have to rent anyway.
Also tying yourself together for many years based on assets and debts is not ideal as there is no guarantee you will benefit from additional equity as house prices could fall, or either of you could have an accident or fall terminally ill and have a significant change in circumstances thus meaning the benefits of any deal now are lost. Often these changes happen at the worst possible time. I.e what if you meet a new partner, want to get a joint mortgage together but are tied into this asset and joint debts from this marriage, you ex suffers an accident and therefore cannot remortgage and thus you and new partner cannot get a joint mortgage? What happens then?
It is the reason clean break divorces exist to ensure both parties move forward and focus on any kids.
If you are not convinced by the advice received on here then please seek independent legal and financial advice for your best options.
Hi Pinkman,
I cannot believe what I am reading... this bizarre idea of sharing mortgage and debt liabilities with someone you are divorcing will end in tears. You will never get out of this and be able to continue with your life. Daddyup is so right: now is the time for a clean break. If your wife cannot get a mortgage in her own right then she will not be able to afford to service the debt and things will just get worse... before they get much worse.
None of this makes any sense: you say you earn minimum wage - so you cannot afford to rent a 2 bedroom flat such your son can reside with you, but at the same time you are contemplating entering into a very dodgy mortgage and debt sharing arrangement.
If you don’t mind me saying Pinkman (and I’m going to say it anyway): you have your priorities wrong. You need to start putting your son’s needs first, which means getting somewhere suitable to live for him rather than gambling on house prices going up in 5 years time.
You have come to this website for advice, but you seem to be ignoring everything.
O
I’d like my son to be able to stay in his home. There’s about to be more than enough upheaval in his life without having him forced to move house too.
I looked at taking half the debt off her and into my name but it would actually cost me more per month than it does now. Plus to be brutally honest I’d much prefer to remain debt free and have it in her name and I just make the payments.
I’m happy to remain on the mortgage until the debts are cleared, it’s only a few years away. The bigger picture in all of this is my son’s stability.
We have provisionally agreed a deal. Need to work out the finer details but basically I’ll stay on the mortgage. She will buy me out once debts are cleared. We’ve agreed a lump sum figure to me which is slightly more than I’d get if we sold now. 50/50 custody (logistics to be agreed). I’ll figure something out rental wise, with a slight compromise on what I wanted I can afford it if I make some cut backs on other things too. She wants to put a timescale on me going but I think that’s unfair that potentially I could be forced to leave but have nowhere to go.
We’ll both sleep on it and hopefully reach a full agreement tomorrow then get it drawn up.
I actually feel better than I have in a long time. It suddenly feels like a weight has been lifted and there actually is some hope of a brighter and happier future.