Hi everyone, im totally new to this site and its the first time I have reached out since I split from my daughters mum, 6 years ago.
I wanted to see if anyone else had experienced what im currently experiencing. First of all, I have always had a good relationship with my daughter. I have always been there for her, turned up for her, been there through everything with only the odd bought of sickness holding back not seeing her on a set day which cant be helped. Furthermore, Ive always paid my money to her mum on time without the need for her to ever chase me as it is what it is, there is no hiding from it.
I split with my ex due to her controlling and jealous ways which left me feeling trapped and anxious most of the time. She loves a row and is fueled by emotion. Even since we have split, she has always given details to our daughter of our conversations, what she thinks of me (inc explicit names) and has never taken an ounce of responsibility for our breakup.
My daughter is now 13 and more recently she has started to branch away from me because of mates etc which is something that we all do right?
However, shes had a tough time at school since shes been at secondary with behavior and is now diagnosed with ADHD. Her mum though has always been terrible at setting boundaries, disciplining and wrongly rewarding. For example, the week before Easter she took our daughter out to buy a new outfit for a dress down day at school before they broke up for Easter, knowing full well that the week before that, she picked up multiple detentions and was told she may get suspended for lesson truancies but still decided to buy her new clothes even though she has a whole wardrobe full.
I tried to have a chat with her mum on the Monday before Easter and call things how I see them but she sees it as a personal attack on her and that im trying to set out to upset her when all I want to do is get our daughter on the right track with the right messages.
I then get messages from my daughter saying that I had upset her mum because her mum had gone and told her details about our conversation which I didnt think were that bad. After not being spoken to by her all week, then being blocked by her on the Saturday of Easter and not talking to her until the Sunday the weekend after, I went round their house to sort things out as I had quite simply had enough.
Upon going round, her mum did most of the talking and wouldnt let our daughter answer questions as to why she wasnt talking to me but she managed to tell me that her mum had said that I called her a bad mother and a failure in our conversation the week before which had never left my mouth. So not only did her mum wrongly tell her the contents of our conversation, she also added lies in to it, accepted no responsibility for the breakdown in my relationship with my daughter, accused me of gaslighting her and then stood up and called me a f*cking sh*t father in front of her before asking me to leave.
So we went and sat in the car and sorted things out. But I have only seen her twice on a Wednesday afternoon since. She hasnt been over any of the last 4 weekends even though she has arranged to come which leaves me disappointed, upset and wondering what ive done wrong.
Like I said, I know its the age of mates and boys etc which is fine but I cant help thinking that her mum isnt pushing her to keep our relationship going and is probably happy that she is coming away from me.
Has anyone else experienced any of this at all? Is it normal? What do you do in this circumstance?
Thanks for reading as I know its a lot!
Hi, my children are younger so I have not experienced this situation. there is some good advice here:
https://www.peacefulparenthappykids.com/read/teenager-pulling-away-from-family
Hello I’m going through something similar. My ex did something that I wasn’t happy about regarding our child’s secondary school application. I dared to tell her that I had found out what she had done, as she is a narcissist me doing this sent her spiralling out of control. The next day she made our child lie and make a false accusation of harm. This was investigated and deemed no further action, but she still stopped all contact. She then offered me phone calls, which were then stopped. She has done nothing to help restart contact, exactly the opposite.
I filed a enforcement order, she hit back with a non molestation order and a variation to the current child arrangement to stop all contact forever. currently fighting all of this in court. she is stating that my child does not want to see me, but I know it’s not him, it’s her. She has never wanted me in my child’s life. Well tough after 10 years of contact I’m not giving up now.
if you have a child arrangement order in place with the courts, tell her unless contact restarts, you will file for enforcement. She must make the child available and be seen to be proactively encouraging contact. If your child as own mobile, text keep it light, say hello how are you what you been doing how’s school sort of thing, the courts will want to see this.
if you don’t have a child arrangement order, perhaps file a C100 to get one in place.