Hi, been reading and posted a couple of things throughout the last few months but really struggling now.
The back ground story.
I have 2 girls, M who's now 10 (missed her birthday) and L whos now 7 (also missed her birthday)
4years ago me and the ex split and for 2 years spent my time alone and basically giving into all my exes demands regarding the children for an easy life and chance to have 50/50 contact.
Roll on 2 years and thought it was time for me to settle down again and met a lovely woman. My 2 girls love her and we just connected and interned with each others life perfectly.
When covid hit we decided that me and my girls would temporarily live with my new partner and her children (we spent most of time all together before hand) she gave up a room so my girls could have their own space when they came.
Even though my ex had got a new partner within weeks of us splitting up it became evident that she was quite jealous of my situation of becoming engaged and a little one on the way.
Other time she made it more difficult keeping the girls out for longer making it later and later on pick ups disrupting tea time, when I was ment to feed my girls aswel.
Roll onto last July, first weekend of the summer holidays. My step son had turned 4 and we was going to go out for the evening once it had cooled down. We had my girls aswel and was going as a family.
On that day I had dropped M off at dancing and at about 3pm when I was just picking her up. I recieved a call from my ex demanding that M was to go to a party (turned out it was just to the cinema with a few of her friends) but of course I declined and said that we was going out as a family for my step sons birthday and that it was my weekend and this was very short notice. I hadn't of known and neither did M so I said its fine for her to miss something she doesn't know about.
17 phones later I told her I would have to block her now as your disrupting our time together. The answer is no.
6pm Rolls around and the children are sat down for tea and ready to go out. There is a knock at the door and it was my ex demanding M. My partner says she will just get me.
In which I went outside and told her that I had already said no and to please leave and I went back inside.
She proceeded to knock so my partner with baby in hand (4months old) went to the door and told her that their father has said no and to please leave. In which my ex using foul language shouted at my partner that she was holding my daughter hostage, put her foot in the door and pushed the door into my 4month old and shouted M you have a party.
At this point I had managed to keep it low key with the other children, but this now set off them all. Screaming crying from them all.
My partner managed to shut the door and told her to leave before we rang the police. My ex went away for around 10minutes, which we could see her stood at her car with her boyfriend inside.
She came back with boyfriend and banged on the door. At this point. I came out and said ill handle this. Went outside, repeatedly told her no. The language and shouting coming from her was awful so I decided to move away from the house so the children couldn't hear. This went onnfor an hour and I just couldn't put our new family through this and gave up both the girls.
From that point I have seen my girls twice. Once at a funeral and once at my parents home.
It turns out that my ex had told my parents to not say a word and because of their fear of not seeing them, they stuck to it only on the occasion I caught this happening recently. My parents have shown their true colours, they can talk the talk but when push comes to shove they haven't got my back. They blame me for all of this.
I tried to use them as a third party for communication it didn't work. I sent Solicitors letters, which I recieved 1 back for the first but my ex ignored the second, she denied mediation.
I had my cafcass interview turned on me. In which it said that she had been pro active in trying to establish connection but my part had no mention of my efforts, as they had told me it was just a safe guarding report.
My first court didn't go great, I had wrote a statement with the context of how we had got to this point with evidence of my efforts and text messages showing that my ex was angry that I had seen them, back stabbing was her term to my mother. But I had sent it and the judge didn't read it so I went into the firdt court room (video call) with the cafcass and judge only having this report to go off like it was a simple, I didn't want to see them.
It didn't go that well for me as I couldn't present my evidence.
I now have a court case with the magistrate's on the 29th march for it to be settled. I have 14 days to write a statement regarding the context and what I want. (Strangley haven't recieved anything from the court, which was 5days ago, so im not sure what I'm writing or to who).
So now I'm not sure what to do.
Do I write my statement with the information I had before to give context to why I have gone to court and she has denied me access and with what I want?
I really don't know.
On top of all that, she also set out to ruin me financially and within a month of her snatching the children she has gone to Child Maintenance but o have changed jobs to self employed but they won't listen so figures are from last year. I tired paying what I could but my ex demanded I be put on collect and pay and now owe child maintence £110 a week, which i just cannot afford, im scraping by just living let alone taking 110 out of my wage a week.
This is the most i have been tested in my life and honestly I'm struggling to see a way out.
I'm a great dad, ive never not wanted my kids, I always wanted them full time and she can have the weekends, but of course that's never the reality but I do my best and ive always been stable. Just a huge kick the teeth having to provide for a family, working, bills loans, finance child maintence, court fees, the list is endless.
Sorry for the huge story and rant.
Just dont know where to turn.
hi,
sorry to hear what you and the kids have been going through. For your next hearing I suggest you write up a position statement. can briefly explain the arrangement you originally had with ex, what changed and how it was disrupted. and you are seeking the original arrangement e.g. 50/50. think its also good idea to be very specific with certain arrangements, like how kids will spend xmas with each parent. what happens during half term, xmas, easter, summer holidays, birthdays generally. if you think you would like to take kids abroad on a holiday/passport issues, you could seek these and try to get them covered in the court order.
there is a good template for a position statement here: https://childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/writing-a-position-statement/
Hi Bez87,
I have just read through your post and although I cannot offer any legal or practical advice for your ongoing situation, I would like to offer some encouragement. Firstly well done for being open and explaining the situation so well. Secondly, it reads like you have a solid relationship with your new partner and that she is supporting you as best as she can - the example of your ex partner coming to the house is proof of this. Keep communicating with one another and thank her for the support she is giving you. Thirdly, I am sorry that the relationship between yourself and your parents has broken down atm, it must be difficult for them as grandparents to see their grandchildren in the middle and I can understand their fears of not being able to see them. That said it does not excuse their lack of support for you. Lastly, I would keep doing what you’re doing - communicating with your partner, being as calm and civil to your ex partner as you can, write down everything that is relevant for the time that the children will be spending with you - keep your statement clear and to the point, make it clear how much access you would like etc. I feel it is vital for your children that you don’t speak negatively of your ex in front of them, as she is still their mum.
I wish you well on the 29th March, perhaps if you are unsure who to send the statement to, see if there is a number you can call, or even contact you local citizens advice and they may able to help. Keep talking to people you trust so you can get some help for yourself.
kind regards, Parent Support Volunteer
Hi Bez87,
I have recently joined this forum so I am bit late to your post and I see you have a case tomorrow. Your title is a call for help and support. I’d like to send words of support.
I went through my own battle, which has some similarities to yours. When I was going through it I often felt isolated (even though I had support) and because what was happening to me was so horrific I thought I must me the only one. I even thought that the mere fact I was in the courts gave validity to the wrongs against me; in short I had self-doubts.
I just want to reach out and let you know that none of that was true. You’re not alone in this. Sadly, awful unjust cases like this are way too common. Keep on pushing forward one step/process/long wait at a time. You will get to a better place. I personally found Cafcass and court admin system terrible but the judges (and I had 4) were good and won’t be fooled by people with vindictive, malicious intentions. I know you said your first case didn’t go well but have hope for tomorrow try to go in positive.
Sorry, there is no time for practical advice on your case tomorrow. But be respectful of the judge and everyone else in the case and try to always speak from a place of love for your children and their wellbeing. Stay child focused all the time. If your ex focuses on her hate for you, then the comparison between you two will be even more stark and you will shine.
Ps. I did get the outcome my daughter deserved and I am happy with the outcome (obviously not the process). It is possible so keep going. My thoughts are with you.